This here the global phelomenum
and my How I Seize Its
have reached all points around the globe,
or so iI thought.
Well I was checkin' out my statistics
on YouTubes and godamnit-
They is actual countries out there
what's got no internets
or no ways to hear the Gospel of Lo!
Can you believe such places exist?
WTF we gonna do about that?
I tell you what I'm gonna do about it…
Now these North Koreans,
these some shit dang awful people.
Don't you know?
Hey, what's y'alls problem over there?
Well I guess to figure out
what kind of bug they got up they ass
that we first need to look at the history books.
Besides readin' some dang encyclopedia,
I'm just gonna paraphrase for y'all.
So they's this war over there in Korea,
which was basically World War II, Part 2.
And see, Korea, it used to be part of Japan.
But yet you can't say they look all the same,
cause that's offensive.
So when Japan lost that war,
after we nuked they ass,
they had to give up some land.
Cause apparently, them's the World War Rules
set forth in some Magna Carta treaty
that come before.
I ain't no Hillary buff.
I mean HISTORY buff.
Stop fuckin' with me!
Mona's a Pullican.
So I reckon they must've had like
a civil war over there,
only they didn't get all put
back together like America did.
And they got this Mason-Dixon line
called the 38th Parallel…
that ain't no place you
wanna go vaca, K?
So they made this three mile zone
in between the countries,
you know, like a 'buffer.'
Presto change-o, ergo peace, right?
Just like Palestine and Israel
and the Great Brick Wall in Germany,
one side is always tryin' to be assholes
and wants to keep things the way
they was 200 years ago.
Around here we call them
Uh, that was mean to be offensive
to you, Mona.
What you gonna do about it?
Don't you raise your hand at me!
Godamnit, you better leave me alone.
Get on outta here.
I don't need you on this anyway,
this just ain't no political.
You a Korea-sympathizer.
See, in Korea the Commies lives up north
and the good, peaceful people
is in the south.
That is why they capital is called Soul.
Cause they got good souls.
North's capital's called…
Wait, that ain't right.
Oh, it's Pee-On-Yang.
That must translate to 'No Soul.'
Now until we extinguish all the tyrants,
and get along as a whole,
all of us humans together,
how are we ever think we sposed to
survive no alien attack, huh?
They ain't no fuckin' Independence Day
plan gonna save us from that!
Come to think of it,
aliens is gonna be smarter than us
so they gonna line up with
these evil North Koreans.
So it's better to get shit under wraps
before shit goes intergalactic.
I ain't doin' none of that
Star Wars Trekkie shit.
Fuckin' no Darth Vader…
I can't live in no zero gravity.
Shit, I can't hardly
keep nothin' down as it is.
Well their country get runned to the ground
by this one asshat family.
We call them the Korean Bushes.
I'm on a roll today!
LOL my ass off!
Well, we thought that we was done
with this country
when this dickiess Jong-Il died.
But his kid is like 100 times worse!
He killin' family members!
Somebody need to go in and Saddam
this little fucktwat.
But not the USA!
Good Lord, we got enough
blood on our hands.
Y'all remember back when Madonna
was datin' Dennis Ramen?
Well she didn't just turn him
into a bisexual drag queen.
She planted some of her plain ol' crazy
up in there too.
Cause he be goin' over there,
huggin' up on Kimmy Jung,
sayin' "Hey, we best friends!"
Hell, everybody know
Black & Koreans don't like each other.
That's a fact of life.
Can we just deport this sumbitch
back to his country of origin or somethin'?
Hang him for treason?
I mean something has got to be done.
I suggest we tar and feathe
his sparkly black ass!
Damn, I hate it when
go on and try to get some more famousness.
We need to stick an Obamacare chip in him,
so we know where to send the drones to!
Mushroom cloud that motherfucker!
Y'all know what I realize the other day
while Ize mixin' up some cold medicine
with some Elmer's glue
and I meditated…
You don't never hear about none of these
goddamn Koreans get hittin' with none of this
crazy ass weather doin's, do ya?
Cause they probably done invented
some kind of device
that let them manipulate the weather!
Them folks is good at technological shit.
Ain't they own Radio Shack?
And why do Asians always gotta be
gettin' into fights with somebody?
They's the Huns goin' into China
and Japan has done participated
in every single war ever!
And don't even get me started on Vietnam.
I thought they's supposed to be
all peaceful and calm
and Fung Shway and that shit.
That must just be a stereotype.
This Jung Il family
need to be put down like rabid dogs.
They starve they people,
they bully the rest of the world
and it is high time
that we built a force field
yella-bellied, Commie-Red asses
and fill it fulla Agent Orange
so they can taste the fuckin'
Rainbow of Democracy!
And that's How I Seize It!