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December 12, 2013


I like movies a lot
I love to get lost in a movie plot
I'll see whatever movie is showing
But this particular endeavor
Is taking forever
Just to get going

I've already gotta pee and it's still the opening credits
Clearly it's directed by a guy who never edits
I ate all my popcorn, hot dog and the rest
And these stupid, singing Hobbits haven't even begun their stupid quest!
When did it become okay to make movies this long??

Peter Jackson
You're ruining movies
Peter Jackson
Stop ruining movies

Look, your films are good, but they could be great
If just like you, they lost a ton of weight!
And the real problem is that you're making it okay
For lesser directors like Michael Bay
Fine, you did it with the Two Towers;
That dick made Transformers three fucking hours!
What used to be a light, summer popcorn flick's
An excuse for directors to stroke their... male genitals.

Peter Jackson
You're ruining movies
Peter Jackson
Stop ruining movies

Bloated filmmakers come in all sizes
Heard of a movie called The Dark Knight Rises?
Avengers, Man of Steel, Jackson's King Kong
They're Zero Dark Thirty minutes too long
Adding scenes for an Oscar bid
Django Unchained lasted longer than slavery did.

Peter Jackson
You're ruining movies

But we all know where this started:
With someone who's Avatarded
Whose movies just go on and on and on...

First James Cameron
Then Peter Jackson
Then Christopher Nolan
Michael Bay
And Gore Verbinski

After all these over-loaded films, extended cuts
We will be destroyed, all hemorrhoidal with distended butts
A hundred minutes or less, that's all that it should be
Just like an internet video should be no more than three.