Let's get down to it.
Yadda, yadda, Loretta Jenkins.
Huminuh, huminuh, How I Seize It.
I know y'all lookin' at my title goin'
"What the fuck is that?"
Well, I'm gonna tell you
what the hell that is.
Ain't that why you sittin'
here watchin' dumbass?
This fake-ass porn site
It says it's porn, but it ain't.
And then it says you gotta pay for it!
I ain't shellin' out no goddamn money for porn!
Ain't porn supposed to be free?
So I got the local paperboy
to hack into someone account for me
in exchange for-
Well, I'll tell y'all that in a couple years.
Sometimes, I get in a
And this dude I did some
artsy stuff with a while back?
He rung my pager the other day
to see do I wanna do more,
but this time would I show my face
and not insist that I wea
a Darth Vader mask like I did before,
on a count I didn't want to
handicap my upwards climb to fame.
He said he want to upload me
onto this Beauty Agony website
since I give such good...
Well I checked it out
to see if it might get my Google numbers up...
All it is is a bunch of people havin' orgasms
and all you can see is they fuckin' face!
Like, with no dick in it or nothin'!
At least they got thumbnails on these videos
so you can know ahead of time
if you about to watch a fatty
rubbin' they vajiggle-jaggle in your face!
Put them nasty fucks on they own page.
I know some of y'all out there still watch me,
so lemme be an ambassado
Don't nobody need to see you naked,
and you goddamn well know that!
Man, I broke my computer monitor,
because I didn't realize it was just face-showin'
when I first started watchin' it.
It was just this feller makin' ching-eyes
and rollin' his eyes back in his head,
And I was like,
'Where's The Beef?'
'Show Me Your Pecker!'
I knocked on the screen.
I screamed in the microphone.
I give him somebody credit card number,
but no, he just laid there,
head and shoulders.
That's a boring-ass camera angle, y'all.
Well I got so frustrated that I just
jecked that monitor down
so I could get a good look at his pecke
and then the monitor fell off
and look, it mashed the fuck
out of my big toe.
I can't even find the nail!
Lotta fuckbuds throughout my life been like,
"Hey, Lo. Let's go do some porn."
But, I gotta keep a little bit
of mystery about me, damn!
Hey, I'm a free sexual spirit,
as some of y'all might have guessed.
If I had to fuck for a livin'
on top of what's already on my social calendar...
I mean hell,
my pussy'd be just like saloon doors
just flappin' in the dusty breeze
all the live long day!
That's why I told you gals
to give your cubby holes them daily puss-ups.
You will thank me for it in the end!
Cause then you won't have
to take it in the end!
I ain't payin' that website no money!
Just to look at people cum-face?
I had a brainstorm earlier.
I thought up somethin' fun for us to do.
I'm gonna be like Ellen-
The Daytime Lesbian-
-and we gonna play a game
so I can show y'all
what a good porn star I coulda been.
Shouldn't I be on Ellen by now?
Somebody start a petition.
Make up a lette
where it gets people to sign on it
and put it on Facebook
So for this game,
I'm gonna make different orgasm faces.
And y'all try and match it up
with what you thinks goin' on down there.
So here's y'alls choices...
Wait, y'all just hold up
while I go gets my visual aid.
Now, I don't know the technical words,
so I just drawed y'all some pictures
of all the things that y'all gonna
have to be guessin'
which one is my orgasm face.
Alright, y'all ready?
This here what you be matchin' up.
Tank's tongue doin' the cursive alphabet
on my two labials.
That's this picture here.
Blowin' air up in me
with a bristled vacuum attachment.
Me gettin' my clitoris tickled.
See there it is right there.
And that's the feather.
And Number Four,
last but not least...
Me gettin' dickjabbed by a little pecker.
and this is me.
See, I got a sad face right there.
Alright, y'all got it?
Now here are the orgasm faces
you supposed to match them up with!
Here we go with the
Beauty Agony Face Off!
(laughing & moaning)
Oh yeah baby,
give it to me...
Just keep goin'...you done?
Wait, in a minute you can get the fuck outta here.
Now just send me a
self-addressed, stamped envelope
over here to me at the trailer park
with the answers on it.
Be sure you include a blank check
made out to CASH,
so I can get reimbursed for your postage.
And down there in the corne
where it say Memo?
Write 'Beer Money,'
And everybody's a winner!
That's How I Seize It!