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Full Credits

Transcript

(gun shot is heard)

> OK, SO THERE YOU HAVE IT. YOUR BOSS IS DEAD.
THAT'LL BE $500 DOLLARS.

> OK, GREAT.
AND I'LL LIKE TO PAY WITH CREDIT--

> OOH, ACTUALLY THERE'S A CREDIT CARD LIMIT OF A $1000 DOLLARS.

> HMM, I-I KNOW I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH CASH, AND I DEFINITELY
DON'T WANT TO KILL ANYONE ELSE, YOU KNOW?

> OH, COME ON. THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING ELSE.

> UH...
(music plays)

> HE DIES AGAIN.

> Y-YEAH, LET ME CALL YOU RIGHT BACK.
DID YOU TAP ME?

> N-NO, NO...
AHHH...
MY ARM! IS IT RIPPED?
OOH, MAN, OOH...
WHO DID IT?
(inaudible)

> WHO, WAS IT?

> UH...

> OK SO, THAT PUTS US AT A THOUSAND.

> OK GREAT--

> JUST SWIPE AND SIGN.

> SURE, NO PROBLEM.

> YEAH, THERE WE GO.
BEAUTIFUL.
ALRIGHT WELL,
YOU HAVE A GOOD ONE.

> OK, YOU TOO. THANKS SO MUCH, I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
(music plays)
HEY YA'LL, TO MY LIFE IS BETTER
THAN YOURS.

> HEY, RICK ROSS. YO,
YOU WANNA SMOKE?

> NAW, PLAYBOY. YOU AIN'T FAMILY, I
CAN'T SMOKE WIT'YA.
ONLY CATS THAT I SMOKE WITH ARE RIGHT
OVER THERE LIKE MY POPS,
MY SISTER,
MY SON,
MY COUSIN, BOB ROSS,
HAPPY LITTLE TREES,
PRETTY LITTLE CLOUDS... HUH.
MY AUNT, BETSY ROSS.
MY GODFATHER,
DAVID LEE ROSS.
NOW THAT'S ONE SEXY ASS
FAMILY RIGHT THERE.
(music plays)

> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT JAZZ?
THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS BIG FOOT!

> OF COURSE THERE IS UNCLE PHIL.
I'M LOOKING RIGHT
AT HIM YOU FAT ASS.
(he laughs)

> WHOO...

> AHH....

> IS IT BAD?

> WELL IT'S NOT GOOD.
ALRIGHT, MR. JEFF, LOOK I JUST DON'T
KNOW HOW MUCH MORE
TRAMA YOUR BODY CAN TAKE.

> HMM...

> I MEAN OVER THE PAST TEN YEARS
IT LOOKS AS THOUGH YOU'VE
HAD SCULL FRACTURES, A PUNCTURED
SPINE, AND MAJOR
BRAIN DAMAGE.

> NOPE, NOT FUNNY, ONE MORE BODY
THROW AND YOU COULD DIE.
WHY DO YOU INSIST ON AGGRAVATING
THIS UNCLE PHIL SO MUCH?

> I DON'T KNOW, I CAN'T AVOID IT.
W-WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE ME DO, HUH?
GO LIVE IN THE WOODS?
(music plays)
(you hear the sound of an insect buzzing)
HUH...
HELLO?
(sound of a large animal groaning)

> GEOFFREY?
(sound of someone beatboxing in the distance)
HELLO?
IS SOMEONE BEATBOXING,
IN THE WOODS?
OH MY GOD, SOMEONE IS
BEATBOXING IN THE WOODS.
(he's gasping for air)

> SWEET JESUS, DON'T STOP BEATBOXING.
DON'T STOP BEATBOXING.
DON'T STOP BEATBOXING.
DON'T STOP, DON'T STOP...
WHOA.
(huge animal growl is heard)

> WHOA.
(Big Foot snarls)

> BIG FOOT?
(Big Foot snarls in reply)

> BIG FOOT!
(big foot replies)

> WHAT YOU DOING BIG FOOT?
SO STRONG...

> AHH...

> THE LAST TIME I SAW JAZZY JEFF,
I WAS THROWING HIM
OUT MY HOUSE FOR CALLING
ME A FAT ASS,
AND THAT WAS A COUPLE
OF DAYS AGO.

> NO WORRIES, UNCLE PHIL. I'LL
SEND OUT A MISSING PERSONS REPORT
FOR JAZZY JEFF, AND HE'LL BE
BACK HERE IN NO TIME.
(sound of glass shattering)

> JAZZ!

> UNCLE PHIL...
IS THAT YOU?

> NO DOUBT IT'S ME.

> HE'S REAL.
BIG FOOT.

> HE'S GONE.

> WHOO...
(music plays)

> WE ENJOY A LOT OF LAUGHS ON
THE SET OF THE FRESH PRINCE
OF BEL-AIR.

> YES, WE DO, BUT WE WANT TO TAKE A
MOMENT TO TALK ABOUT A
VERY IMPORTANT ISSUE. THROWING
PEOPLE'S BODIES OUT OF YOUR HOUSE
IS NO LAUGHING MATTER.

> SOMEBODY COULD GET HURT,
OR WORSE, DIE.

> RIGHT BIG FOOT?

> RIGHT.
BIG FOOT?
(they all laugh)
(Big Foot growls and snarls and the others scream in horror)

> I NOTICED YOU GOT JEANS ON--

> YEAH...

> ME TOO.
YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT IT?

> HEY, YOU WANT TO GET A CUP OF COFFEE WITH A HUNK?

> OOH, EXCUSE ME, HOW YA' DOIN'?
MY GRANDMOTHER HAS THAT SHIRT.

> HEY, WANT TO PLAY KISS THE DINOSAUR.
(she shrieks)

> YOU READY FOR TOMORROW HUGGY?

> C'MON MAN, WHAT YOU THINK?
I'VE BEEN READY FOR THIS FOR TWELVE YEARS NOW.

> YEAH.

> IS THE PLAN STILL IN PLACE?

> YEAH, THE PLAN IS IN PLACE, MAN.
PAID TINY A FEW TOILET PAPERS SO WE CAN START A FIGHT IN THE
YARD RIGHT? C.O.'S ARE GOING TO BE WORRIED ABOUT BREAKING THAT UP.
RIGHT THEN, WE SNEAK INTO THE LAUNDRY MAT, HOP ON THEM
HAMPERS, AND THEY GOING TO LOAD US ON THAT TRUCK AND WE OUT!

> SHH...
HEY, BRING IT DOWN A BIT OK.
YOU TRYING TO GET US CAUGHT?

> NAW MAN, I AIN'T
TRYING TO GET US CAUGHT MAN.
WHAT YOU GOING TO DO WHEN YOU GET OUT MAN?
I KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO...
I'M GOING TO THE CLUB, FIND SOME GIRLS...
YOU ALRIGHT MAN?

> DO YOU HEAR THAT? WHAT IS THAT MAN?

> OH THEM JUST CICADAS MAN.

> WHAT'S A CICADA?

> JUST AN INSECT THAT POPS UP EVERY FEW YEARS, MAN.

> SO LOOK, LAUNDRY MAT'S GOING TO BE HOT SO WE GOTTA HYDRATE MAN--

> ARE THEY BIG?

> WHAT CICADAS?
THEY A FEW INCHES DUDE.
SO LOOK, WE GOTTA WAIT FOR TINY TO--

> HOW MANY INCHES?

> I CAN SHOW YOU MAN.
MY COUSIN MAILS ME PICTURES OF INSECTS EVERY WEEK.
WE GOT MOSQUITOS, BED BUGS, PRAYING MANTIS'...
CICADAS...
THERE YOU GO DOG. SO LOOK, I'M WORRIED ABOUT--

> NAW, THIS IS BIGGER THAN A FEW INCHES.

> HUH?

> THEY GONNA BE GONE BY TOMORROW?

> WHAT DOES IT--
NO, MAN,
THEY'LL BE HERE FOR A FEW MORE WEEKS DUDE.

> WHAT DO THEY WANT?

> HUGGY, ALL THEY WANT IS CROPS MAN.

> OK, I WANT YOU TO ANSWER ME THIS, SINCE YOU GOT
SO MUCH KNOWLEDGE ON CICADAS--

> YEAH.

> HOW MANY DOES IT TAKE TO PICK ME UP AND FLY ME TO THEIR NEST?
DO THEY DRINK BLOOD, AND HOW BIG ARE THEIR TEETH?

> UH, HUGGY, IF I DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER I WOULD
SAY YOU'RE AFRIAD OF CICADAS--

> YES!
YEAH, I'M AFRAID OF CICADAS, OK. THESE ARE MONSTERS.
THESE AREN'T INSECTS. THESE ARE MONSTERS!

> CALM DOWN MAN, CALM DOWN.

> SHUT UP IN THERE ALRIGHT. SHUT UP!
YOU'RE SCARING THE OTHER PRISONERS.

> I'M SO SCARED.

> WHAT ARE YA'LL YAPPIN'
ABOUT? NOTHING?
(inaudible)

> YEAH, I CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE MAN. I GOTTA DO THIS.
THEM DEMONS ARE OUT THERE WAITING TO EAT ME ALIVE.

> DON'T DO IT! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU MAN?

> THIS GUY IS SOME KIND OF BUG HOMEY, AND HE'S ABOUT TO
TAKE OVER THE WORLD. I'M NOT GOING TO LET THOSE
UGLY BUGS EAT ME.

> STOP! I WASN'T DOING IT. WHY YOU DO THAT, HUGGY?
WE HAD A PLAN.

> I DON'T WANNA DIE MAN. I DON'T WANNA DIE.
YOU SHOULD'VE NEVER SAID NOTHING ABOUT THOSE CICADAS BRO.
I'M STAYING IN HERE FOREVER.

> YEAH, I GOT IT. KANYE WEST IS GOING TO EAT A BLACK
BEAN BURRITO FOR LUNCH.
KANYE WEST IS GOING TO CREATE A NEW FONT.
KANYE WEST IS GOING TO EPCOT TOMORROW.
KANYE WEST IS GOING TO LEARN ALL OF OUR BIRDS.
KANYE WEST IS GOING TO FIND OUT WHERE CARMEN SANDIEGO WENT.
PROBABLY, SAN DIEGO.
KANYE WEST IS GOING
TO CREATE A NEW JELLY.
KANYE WEST IS GETTING HIS PILOT'S LICENSE TOMORROW.
KANYE WEST IS GOING TO REMAKE THE MOVIE WOLF OF WALL STREET
WITH ACTUAL WOLVES.
KANYE WANTS THE BIKE FROM E.T.

> OH WE DON'T HAVE THAT.

> I'LL TAKE IT.

> BOX IT UP.

> SO DO YOU GUYS ACTUALLY LIVE HERE?

> YEP, JUST MOVED IN.

> AH.

> YO, IS THAT STEVE HARVEY'S FLAT TOP?

> IT THINK IT IS.

> HEY BRO'S?
NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

> LOVE THE SKATEBOARD MAN.

> OH WELL THANK YOU. IT HELPS SINCE STEVE ABANDONED
ME AND LEFT ME LEGLESS.

> WE WOULD BE HAPPY TO TAKE
YOU PLACES IF YOU WANT TO.

> YOU WANT TO TAKE ME FOR A SPIN?

> YEAH, I'D LOVE TO.

> YEAH ME TOO.

> I CHOOSE KENNY. HE'S MY FAVORITE.

> MAKES SENSE.

> THAT'S GOING TO CHANGE
OUR RELATIONSHIP FLAT TOP.

> I AM STEVE HARVEY!

> KENNY?

> MY NAME'S NOT KENNY, IT'S STEVE HARVEY BITCH.

> AHH...

> STEVE.

> WELCOME BACK TO THE STEVE HARVEY MORNING SHOW.
I'M STEVE HARVEY, AND I'M SITTING HERE WITH THE FRIENDS
OF THE PEOPLE CAST. FRIENDS OF THE PEOPLE, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

> MY BROTHER KENNY'S POSSESSED BY YOUR FLAT TOP.

> YEAH, WE'RE WORRIED, YOU KNOW.
WE JUST WANT HIM BACK.
HE HASN'T CONTACTED US AT ALL.

> SO WE THOUGHT
WE WOULD COME TO YOU STEVE HARVEY IN HOPES THAT YOU WOULD HELP US.

> YEAH MAYBE YOU CAN TELL US HOW THE FLAT TOP THINKS--

> OR WE CAN LET KENNY KNOW. KENNY WE LOVE YOU, MAN, WE'RE HERE.
JUST COME BACK--

> I'M BACK!
AND THIS MAN IS AN IMPOSTOR.
I'M THE REAL STEVE HARVEY,
BECAUSE I'M WEARING A FLAT TOP, AND THE FLAT TOP IS
STEVE HARVEY. SO YOU KNOW, SOMEONE SHOULD ARREST THIS DUDE.

> SHUT THE HELL UP FLAT TOP. WHAT THE HELL YOU COMING UP
ON MY SHOW LIKE THIS?
NOW LOOK, EVER SINCE I WENT BALD
I WON 2 DAYTIME EMMY'S, COUNT THEM, 2 DAYTIME EMMY'S.
I NEVER WON A NOT-NARE NOTHING, WITH YOU. YOU UNDERSTAND?

> NAACP IMAGE AWARD, ENTERTAINER OF THE YEAR BUDDY.

> DO YOU UNDERSTAND, I'M A MEGASTAR? I GOT 5, 7, 8,
, 11 JOBS.

> THIS FLATTOP WAS EVERYTHING FOR YOU MAN.
IT MADE YOUR CAREER. YOU'RE NOTHING WITHOUT THE FLATTOP.

> SOMEBODY GIVE ME MY CLIPPERS.
GIVE ME MY CLIPPERS!

> WHOA, WAIT, OK, LOOK, NOW, HEY...
EVERYBODY CHILL, OK. THIS AIN'T RIGHT.
I'M FROM CHICAGO, AND WHEN SOMEBODY TRIES TO STEAL SOMEBODY'S SHOW
YOU SETTLE IT ONE WAY.

> GO, GO, GO...

> OOH...

> THAT WAS GOOD.

> WELL I GUESS I LOST SQUARE AND FAIR.
KENNY, CAN YOU RUN ME HOME?
SEE YOU GUYS IN BROOKLYN.

> BYE, BYE...

> BE GOOD...

> SEE YOU NEXT TIME ON THE STEVE HARVEY SHOW.
CLAP IT UP, CLAP IT UP...

> I GOTTA WARN YOU, I'M PRETTY STRONG.
I'M GOING TO TRY NOT TO HURT YOU.
HERE WE GO.
ONE, TWO, THREE,
(dramatic music plays)

> MM-MMH...
MM-MMH

> WHAT HAPPENED?

> WHY DON'T YOU GO MAN?
GET ON YOUR BIKE AND GET OUT OF HERE.

> SORRY MAN.

> NAW, GO. LEAVE.

> THIS IS OUR MAIN MAN NERLEN NOEL,
FOOT, 11, 225 POUNDS OF HELL ON EARTH.
HE CAN SHOOT, HE CAN PASS, AND HE LOVES TO EAT BASKETBALLS.
NO, NO, NO DOUBT.
ABOUT THE ONLY THING HE CAN'T DO IS STOP HIMSELF FROM KICKING
YOUR ASS.

> AND YOU KNOW WHAT HELPED MY MAN
NERLEN DO WORK--
DUDE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DUNK AFTER--

> YOU KNOW HOW DANGEROUS THIS IS?
WE'RE ON TOP OF LADDERS MAN. IT'S VERY, VERY DANGEROUS.
A VERY TENUOUS SITUATION.
NO, NO, NO DOUBT.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
OUR BOY NERLEN WOULDN'T EVEN STEP FOOT ON THE COURT
UNLESS HIS FEET ARE IN A PAIR OF THESE.
C'MON DUDE, YOU SHOWIN' OFF.

> WE SHOOTING A COMMERCIAL.
(interposing convo)

> MAN THIS DUDE NEEDS TO RELAX MAN.

> NERLEN ONLY WEARS THE LIGHTEST SNEAKERS.

> WHAT?

> I PLAY THE RIGHT, I PLAY THE RIGHT.

> DUDE, I GOT'EM...

> THAT'S ILLEGAL IN THE NBA.

> I CAN'T PLAY D AND SELL SHOES.

> YOU GOTTA DO BOTH.

> THAT'S GRIFFIN BABY.

> LOOK AT THAT.

> NOW YOU SHOWING OFF MAN.

> SHOOT, SHOOT...
(they laugh)

> THIS AIN'T THE ALL STAR GAME.

> I GOT A LITTLE SCARED ON THAT ONE.

> HEY NERLEN. NERLEN!

> ENOUGH.

> (Narrator): UNTOLD HOLLYWOOD HISTORY.
THE TV SHOW MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS WAS A SMASH
HIT DURING THE 90'S.
DESPITE THAT SUCCESS, THE ACTOR WHO PORTRAYED THE BLACK
RANGER, WALTER JONES, WAS SUDDENLY REPLACED.
THIS IS HIS STORY.

> WALTER, CONGRATS ON BOOKING THE ROLE.

> OH WOW, THANKS FELLAS.
I'M REALLY EXCITED TO BE DOING THIS MAN.
NOW REAL QUICK QUESTION THOUGH, UH,
THEY NEVER TOLD ME WHICH RANGER I AM, SO...

> O-OH, YOU'RE THE BLACK POWER RANGER.

> I'M THE BLACK POWER RANGER?

> BLACK POWER RANGER.
(he laughs)

> CONGRATS AGAIN.
AGAIN, SEE YOU ON SET.

> SEE YOU ON SET.

> THANK YOU. BLACK POWER RANGER... (he giggles)
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

> OK, SO WHEN THE CAMERA GETS IN FRONT OF YOU YOU DO
YOUR POWER RANGER STANCE AND FREEZE, RIGHT?

> ROLL SOUND!

> OK, AND ACTION.
(music plays)

> BLACK POWER!

> CUT!

> W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

> I'M THE BLACK POWER RANGER, BABY.
BLACK POWER.
(he laughs)

> I THINK YOU MISUNDERSTOOD, YOU'RE A BLACK POWER RANGER,
NOT A BLACK POWER, RANGER. IT'S NOT BLACK POWER.
YOUR A POWER RANGER WHO'S COSTUME IS BLACK.

> BLACK POWER RANGER. RIGHT, I GOT IT.

> LET'S ROLL ON THIS AGAIN.

> HI-YA!
THAT'S YOUR ASS WHITE DEVIL.

> OW, STOP, OW...
STOP...

> CUT!
WHAT IN THE HELL WAS THAT?

> WHY DID YOU DO THAT MAN?

> LOOK MAN, THIS HONKEY WHITE POWER RANGER
GOT TO BE PUT IN HIS PLACE, AND WHO BEST TO DO IT BUT THE
BLACK RANGER, BROTHA?

> YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M DONE WITH THIS--
I'M DONE.

> WALTER, WALTER
YOU'RE ALL POWER RANGER. THE COLOR JUST DE-MARKERS WHICH RANGER YOU ARE.

> SELL OUT MAN.

> TAKE THE BLUE RANGER FOR EXAMPLE.
THE BLUE IS A DESCRIPTOR, ALRIGHT? IT DOESN'T
MEAN HE HAS BLUE POWER.

> AND WHY YA'LL TELLING ME THIS?

> WALTER YOU'RE FIRED. MEET YOUR REPLACEMENT.
JOHNNY YOUNG BUCK.

> YA'LL REPLACING BROTHERS WITH DUDES WHO KNOW REAL KARATE?
THAT'S BULL CRAP.

> AHH...
AHHHH...

> OW, MAN...
MERCY...

> UM, UNCLE?

> YOU THINK THAT YOU WOULD WIN?

> I WOULD CRUSH YOU JOSH.
I'M SO MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU. I'VE BEEN DESTROYING YOU AT EVERYTHING
SINCE WE'VE BEEN DOING THIS SHOW.

> ONE, TWO, THREE, GO...

> AHH!
AHHH!
BITCH.

> THAT WAS A BUMMER, THAT WAS A BUMMER.
I REALLY WENT INTO THAT BELIEVING I WOULD WIN.
MAN I CAN'T BELIEVE NO ONE SHOWED UP TODAY. THIS IS EMBARRASSING
STEVE HARVEY'S FLAT TOP.

> I'M SORRY NERLEN.

> WHATEVER MAN, I'M
STILL GOING TO REPRESENT.

> THIS IS SADDER THAN WHEN STEVE HARVEY SHAVED ME OFF.
I MEAN I SENT THE EMAIL INVITING EVERYBODY.
DOLPH LUNDGREN, KNICK'S GREAT PATRICK EWING,
MY MAIN MAN BART SIMPSON, EVEN ARSENIO HALL.
NO ONE SHOWED UP. NERLEN YOU WANT TO BE BEST FRIENDS?

> NO THANKS.

> HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESS.

> YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST FRIENDS
A GIRL COULD ASK FOR, REALLY.

> AWW, THANK YOU. DON'T GET TOO EXCITED BECAUSE WE'VE
GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
(door bell rings)
(they all yell in amazement and glee)

> (inaudible) LADY CAKE?
WHO'S READY FOR SOME NASTY?

> I CAN'T HEAR YOU, BIRTHDAY GIRL, YOU READ FOR SOME NASTY?
WHAT'S UP LADIES?
I HEARD THIS PARTY WAS ON FIRE,
SO, I BROUGHT MY 8 INCH FIRE HOSE.
LOOK AT MY FIRE HAT. SAFETY FIRST.
YES, YES, YES...
OH FIRE! A FIRE!

> W-WAIT, MAYBE HE CAN SAVE US WITH HIS FIREFIGHTER TRAINING.

> OH NO, THAT WAS THE COSTUME YA'LL.

> (they chant his name)

> I'M GOING TO GO SAVE YA'LL.
THAT FIRE WAS NO MATCH FOR (inaudible) YA'LL.

> WHOOO...

> OH NO, (inaudible) YOU'RE ON FIRE.

> OH, I KNOW. I'M VERY SEXY.

> NO, YOU REALLY GOT FIRE ON YOUR BODY.

> AHHH...

> AHHHHHH!

> I JUST DIDN'T KNOW BABY OIL WAS SO FLAMMABLE.

> HEY, DON'T BE HARD ON YOURSELF, BECAUSE
I ALREADY AM.
ALWAYS HAVE A BACKUP.
ONE, TWO, THREE, GO...

> IT'S A DEAD TIE.

> THIS IS SO LEGIT MAN. THIS IS NOT FAKE.
I CAN SEE YOUR VEINS COMING OUT YOUR ARM MAN.
I KNOW YOU'RE SERIOUS BRUH.

> YOU MAKE ME LAUGH.

> JOSH CHEATED.

> AHHH... YOU'RE A CHEATER.

> YOU MOVED YOUR ELBOW. YOUR ELBOW LIFTED.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

> IT'S BECAUSE IT'S HIGHER--

> YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

> THANK YOU.

> THAT'S NOT FAIR.

> HE REALLY WAS TRYING, HE WASN'T FAKIN' IT.

> WHERE DID YOU GUYS GO?

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