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Full Credits

Starring Ralph Macchio as Himself
Featuring Molly Ringwald, Kevin Connelly, Pat O'Brien, and Michael Lerner
Also featuring June Raphael, Tiffany Haddish, Jack Lozano, Stephen Halasz, Phil Powers, Conor Patrick Lane, Patty McCollim, Peter Cameron, Shane Arenal, & Allison Gersten
Directed by Todd Holland
Written by Chris Kula and Chad Carter
Concept by Ralph Macchio
Director of Photography: Antonio Scarlata
Produced by Christin Trogan
Executive Producer: Mike Farah
Edited by John M. Valerio
B Camera Operators: Zachary Zdzeibko & Scott Johnson
ACs: Spencer Cole Hutchins and Matt Mazany
First AD: David D'Ovidio
G&E: Ricky Fosheim, Kevin Stewart, Juian Lormant, & Richard Kim
Sound: BoTown Sound
Art Design: Caity Birmingham, Ayse Arf, & Jessica Valentine
Makeup and Hair: Shauna O'Toole
Wardrobe: Leslie Schilling
Production Assistants: Jon Ziskal, Michelle Flowers, Elliot Dickerhoof & Lily Fettis
Stuntment: Eric Linden & Joe Fielder
Extras: Sy Ozcan, Stefan Thom, Rick Quaresma, Jennifer Bashian, Josh George, Kendall Anlian, Graig Cooper, Shannon Madden, Sara Tenger, Jessica Buchholz, Julia Corpion, Scott Hayes, Rachel Hastings, Tanya Shaby, Chris Mastro, Joe Reilly, Brian Edwards, Michelle Flowers
Assistant to Mr. Holland: Sara Woomer
Special Thanks to Jason Sereno, Brian Mulchy, Dustin Bowser, Brian Lane, and Cinespace of Hollywood


(music plays)
(sound bites from The Karate Kid is heard)
(sound bites end and music continues)
Ralph Macchio: What is this?
June Diane Raphael: Honey, we're worried about you.
June Diane Raphael: All of your loved ones are
here. Your manager,
June Diane Raphael: your family, our mailman, Jose, the gardener,
and Stan our new neighbor.
June Diane Raphael: We just want to talk to you.
June Diane Raphael: Jose, you want to start?
Pickup Driver: Stay cool, Ponyboy!
Teenager: You know he wasn't being
nice, right?
Michael Lerner: I spoke to every studio in
town. They think you're kind,
Michael Lerner: you're polite, you're gentle,
you're sweet. No one wants to hire you.
Kevin Connolly: Nice guys finish last. It's a
cautionary tale.
Kevin Connolly: It's a lesson learned.
Molly Ringwald: Somewhere between Sixteen
Candles and Pretty in Pink,
Molly Ringwald: my publicist told me not to be seen with him.
Michael Lerner: How's he going to
have a career?
Michael Lerner: He's not an
alcoholic. He doesn't do
Michael Lerner: prostitutes. If he were a
degenerate, I could sell him.
June Diane Raphael: Are you sure you've never
slept with anyone else?
Ralph Macchio: No one but you.
(music is playing)
Ralph Macchio: (VO) I am not going to take
this lying down.
Michael Lerner: (VO) What can he play? Huh? A wholesome family man? Where?
Michael Lerner: What planet?
What universe?
Michael Lerner: Where you been? Do you watch
television? Huh?
Michael Lerner: What the fuck are you
talking about?
June Diane Raphael: You want to make
a what?
Ralph Macchio: A sex tape.
With no cuddling.
June Diane Raphael: Are you sure, Ralph?
June Diane Raphael: I mean, the cuddling is your
favorite part.
June Diane Raphael: Look, if you can't get a
sitcom maybe you could market
June Diane Raphael: a face cream for men.
Ralph Macchio: Bullcrap. I've been
hearing that for years.
Ralph Macchio: I meant to do that.
Michael Lerner: Robert Downey Jr.,
Colin Farrell...
(Colin Farrell is heard)
Michael Lerner: ...the kid from England,
what's his name? Hugh Grant.
Michael Lerner: They got arrested for
Michael Lerner: They had drug problems.
You know, they were brilliant.
Ralph Macchio: What? What?
No pictures guys.
Ralph Macchio: Look, I am trying to have a
clandestine brunch
Ralph Macchio: with my underage lady-friend.
Michael Lerner: (VO) They want alcoholics.
Michael Lerner: (VO) Drug addicts.
Michael Lerner: You're none of those.
Ralph Macchio: I don't think you understand.
I'm engaged in illicit
Ralph Macchio: behavior and I would prefer not
to be photographed.
Ralph Macchio: And I'm sorry about
your arm.
Michael Lerner: They got arrested with
Ralph Macchio: Hey, I just want to get
photographed getting a
Ralph Macchio: handjob from you.
I'll pay cash.
Prostitute: Oh, you so sweet baby.
Why don't you come back when you
Prostitute: turn 18, okay?
Ralph Macchio: Goddamn! You know,
I'm forty-eight years old.
(music plays)
Ralph Macchio: Bonzai, motherfucker.
Club Guy: Hey, what's up Chachi?
Ralph Macchio: I'm not Chachi,
Barfly #1: Hey, it's the
Karate Kid.
Barfly #2: Yo man, do that crane shit.
Barfly #1: Mercy is for the weak.
Come on. Come on.
Ralph Macchio: Shoot!
Pat O'Brien: Next up here. What was he
Pat O'Brien: An unidentified Hollywood
teenager caught on tape in a
Pat O'Brien: Hollywood club brawl.
Molly Ringwald: He tried to get into the Brat
Pack, but he wanted to
Molly Ringwald: change the name to The
Smile Bunch.
Ralph Macchio: I don't want you to
have a nice day.
Ralph Macchio: Have a bad day.
Ralph Macchio: Game over, alright.
(sound of Ralph arguing with June)
Ralph Macchio: You don't have any idea
of what it's like.
June Diane Raphael: What is it?
What's going to make you happy?
Ralph Macchio: I don't want to be happy!
That's all I ever am! No more!
Prostitute: You know this is fifty
dollars, right?
Ralph Macchio: It's so worth it.