Wax On, F*ck Off with Ralph Macchio

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Ralph Macchio

Director

Todd Holland

Actor

Molly Ringwald

Actor

Kevin Connolly

Actor

Pat O'Brien

Actor

Michael Lerner

Writer

Chad Carter

Executive Producer

Funny Or Die

Writer

Chris Kula

Cinematographer

Antonio Scarlata

Actor

June Diane Raphael

Make Up & Hair

Shauna O'Toole

Producer

Christin Trogan

Additional Credits >

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The video opens with a graphic that reads: FOD EXCLUSIVE PICTURES WWW.FUNNYORDIE.COM. The shot cuts to the standard preview screen that reads: THE FOLLOWING PREVIEW HAS BEEN FOR APPROPRIATE AUDIENCES BY THE MOTION PICTURE ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA, INC. The shot then cuts to a still image of Ralph Macchio his Karate Kid costume. The shot then cuts to a still image of Ralph Macchio in his costume for The Outsiders. Audio clips from The Karate Kid and The Outsiders play quietly. The shot then cuts to the following text: As a teenager he won the hearts of a generation... the shot then cuts to three still images of Ralph Macchio from the eighties. The following text is seen over the images: A child superstar destined for tragedy. The shot then cuts to two still images of Ralph Macchio. One is labeled 1980, the other is labeled 2010. The following text is beneath the pictures: What went wrong? The shot then cuts to Ralph Macchio standing in a living room full of people.

Ralph Macchio: What is this?

June Diane Raphael: Honey, we're worried about you. All of your loved ones are here. Your manager...

The shot cuts to Michael Lerner.

June Diane Raphael: Your family. Our mailman. Jose, the gardener. And Stan, our new neighbor. Jose, you want to start.

Jose looks confused and stares into the camera. The shot cuts to a graphic that reads WINNER BEST DOCUMENTARY Hoboken Film Festival. The shot then cuts to Ralph Macchio standing in a driveway with a teenage boy. A pickup truck drives by and the driver yells out the window.

Pickup Driver: Stay cool, Ponyboy!

Ralph Macchio waves and give the driver a thumbs up. The teenage boy gives Ralph Macchio a look.

Teenager: You know he wasn't being nice, right?

The shot cuts back to the living room.

Michael Lerner: I spoke to every studio in town. They think you're kind, you're polite, you're gentle, you're sweet. No one wants to hire you.

The shot cuts to Kevin Connolly.

Kevin Connolly: Nice guys finish last. It's a cautionary tale. It's a lesson learned.

The shot cuts to Molly Ringwald.

Molly Ringwald: Somewhere between Sixteen Candles and Pretty in Pink, my publicist told me not to be seen with him.

The shot cuts to Michael Lerner. The caption reads: Cy Rosenthal Manager.

Michael Lerner: How's he going to have a career? He's not an alcoholic. He doesn't do prostitutes. If he were a degenerate, I could sell him.

The shot cuts back to the living room.

June Diane Raphael: Are you sure you've never slept with anyone else?

The shot cuts to the following text: To get back on top...

The shot cuts back to the living room.

Ralph Macchio: No one but you.

Everyone in the room gets a pained look on their face. The shot cuts to the following text: ...he'll need to hit bottom. The shot cuts to Ralph Macchio on a bed, staring at the ceiling.

Ralph Macchio (voiceover): I am not going to take this lying down.

The shot cuts to the following text: A powerful never-coming of age story.” -Manohla Dargis, NY Times

Michael Lerner: What can he play? Huh? A wholesome family man? Where? What planet? What universe? Where you been? Do you watch television? Huh? What the fuck are you talking about?

The shot cuts to Ralph Macchio setting up a video camera.

June Diane Raphael: You want to make a what?

Ralph Macchio: A sex tape. With no cuddling.

June Diane Raphael: Are you sure, Ralph? I mean, the cuddling is your favorite part.

The shot cuts to the following text: “Tragic... Macchio is heartbreakingly nice” -Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

The shot cuts to June Diane Raphael and Ralph Macchio in a kitchen.

June Diane Raphael: Look, if you can't get a sitcom maybe you could market a face cream for me.

Ralph Macchio: Bullcrap. I've been hearing that for years.

Ralph Macchio drops a plate and it shatters on the floor. He looks up.

Ralph Macchio: I meant to do that.

The shot cuts to the following text: Experience one man's journey into self-disgrace...

The shot cuts to Ralph Macchio sitting at a computer.

Michael Lerner (voiceover): Robert Downey Jr., Colin Farrell...

The screen of Ralph Macchio's computer is shown. A clip of Colin Farrell's sex tape plays in the foreground while a mug shot of Robert Downey Jr. can be seen in the background. The shot cuts to Michael Lerner.

Michael Lerner: ...the kid from England, what's his name? Hugh Grant. They got arrested for prostitutes. They had drug problems. You know, they were brilliant.

The shot cuts back to the computer screen where mug shots of Steve McQueen, Hugh Grant, and Mickey Rourke appear. Ralph Macchio smiles at the computer and gives it a nod. The shot cuts to Ralph Macchio and three shop dummies dressed up as photographers.

Ralph Macchio (to the dummies): What? What? No pictures guys. (reading from notes) I am trying to have a clandestine lunch with my underage lady-friend. Okay?

Michael Lerner (voiceover): They want alcoholics.

Ralph Macchio tries to shotgun a beer and spits it out immediately.

Michael Lerner (voiceover): Drug addicts.

The shot cuts to Ralph Macchio practicing cutting cocaine with baking soda a Costco card. He makes a giant smiley face. The shot then cuts to Michael Lerner talking to Ralph Macchio.

Michael Lerner: You're none of those.

The shot cuts to Ralph Macchio trying to chug hard liquor from the bottle. He also spits this out immediately. The shot then cuts to him with shop dummies again.

Ralph Macchio: I don't think you understand. I'm engaged in illicit behavior and would prefer not to be photographed.

Ralph Macchio tears the arm off of one of the shop dummies and starts to storm away. He turns back to the dummy.

Ralph Macchio: And I'm sorry about your arm.

The shot cuts to Ralph Macchio looking very upset.

Michael Lerner (voiceover): They got arrested with prostitutes.

The shot cuts to Ralph Macchio in his car. He is propositioning a prostitute.

Ralph Macchio: Hey, I just want to get photographed getting a handjob from you. I'll pay cash.

Prostitute: Oh, you so sweet baby. Why don't you come back when you turn 18, okay?

Ralph Macchio: God damn! You know, I'm forty-eight years old.

The shot cuts to an open notebook with the following list:

Sex

Drugs

Alcohol

Violence

Profanity

Success

The word success is in a box, underlined several times and followed by an exclamation point in the notebook. The shot cuts to the following text: A nice guy... the shot then cuts to Ralph Macchio doing a line of coke and looking at himself in a mirror.

Ralph Macchio: Bonzai, motherfucker.

The shot cuts to the following text: A good man...

The shot cuts to a man in a club addressing Ralph Macchio.

Club Guy: Hey, what's up Chachi?

Ralph Macchio grabs the guy and slams him up against a wall.

Ralph Macchio: I'm not Chachi, motherfucker!

The shot cuts to the following text: Pushed too far

The shot cuts to two barflies egging on Ralph Macchio.

Barfly #1: Hey, it's the karate kid.

Barfly #2: Do that crane shit.

Barfly #1: Mercy is for the weak. Come on. Come on.

Ralph Macchio kicks barfly #1 in the face. The crowd in the bar freaks out and hurls profanity at Ralph Macchio.

Ralph Macchio: Shoot!

Ralph Macchio runs out of the bar. The shot cuts to a graphic that reads: WINNER JURY PRIZE Seacaucus film Festival. The shot cuts to Pat O'Brien giving a news update. A picture of Ralph Macchio kicking the barfly is shown.

Pat O'Brien: Next up here. What was he thinking? An unidentified Hollywood teenager caught on tape in a Hollywood club brawl.

The shot cuts to Ralph Macchio running down the street. The shot cuts to Molly Ringwald.

Molly Ringwald: He tried to get into the Brat Pack, but he wanted to change the name to The Smile Bunch.

The shot cuts back to Ralph Macchio running. The shot then cuts to Ralph Macchio with the shop dummies.

Ralph Macchio: I don't want you to have a nice day.

The shot cuts to Ralph Macchio running and slowing to a stop. The shot cuts to him with the shop dummies.

Ralph Macchio: Have a bad day.

The shot cuts to Ralph Macchio playing Scrabble. He makes the word karate and flips out, knocking the pieces off the board.

Ralph Macchio: Game over, alright.

The shot cuts to him looking at a poster for the remake of The Karate Kid. Ralph Macchio can be heard arguing with June Diane Raphael. It cuts to them arguing in the kitchen.

Ralph Macchio: You don't have any idea what it's like.

The shot cuts to Ralph Macchio sitting near a pile of trash. He types the following into his Blackberry: I AM SO BUMMED :( The shot cuts to him trying to mimic a high kick shown in the poster for The Karate Kid remake. The shot cuts back to the argument.

June Diane Raphael: What is it? What's going to make you happy?

Ralph Macchio: I don't want to be happy! That's all I ever am! No more!

The shot cuts to the following text: WAX ON, FUCK OFF

The shot then cuts to Ralph Macchio hugging the prostitute.

Prostitute: You know this is fifty dollars, right?

Ralph Macchio: It's so worth it.