How I Seize It #36: ZOMBIES

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How I Seize It

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Hey!
Halloween.
I can't say Happy Halloweens
because this here's Loretta Jenkins
and this might very well be
your very last How I Seize It,
so you better pay attention!
Get ready cause this is the
final year of our Lord. Nineteen-
No.
Shit.
Loretta...
Two thousand and...
Shit.
What year is it?
Hell, whatever year it is...
Y'all needs to be scared of these
Mayan Nostradamus 2012 predictions
Cause the dead is just gonna rise up
and eat everything.
Like in that shitty Stephen King TV movie.
I mean hell, we already got all kinds
of warnin' signs around us.
I mean you got your Agin' Bird Fever-
Bird Flu-
I mean you got your Agin' Bird Flu-
You got your Swine Fevers!
Schools of suicidal fish!
And tadpoles with both sex organs.
And y'all know what's next in this
evolution of the human part of this
animal revolution-
Evolute-
Uh, kingdom?
Zambonies.
Zombies.
You ain't gonna read that in your science book
cause that come straight from the Oracle.
So in case y'all don't hear from me
a zombie probably done chewed on me.
Cause when I run I usually zig-zag,
cause I got this defective equilibrium gland.
Which would be fine for normal folks,
but my peripheral vision ain't so good
and so usually I just hit a tree before I get too far.
Hell, if I ever come a zombie,
I might end up goin' on down there to the AA
cause I might be a little peckish.
I might need me somethin' to feed on!
(laughs)
No, for real, listen up fucktards!
If you don't, you're gonna end up just like me.
In case of a zombie-pocalypse,
y'all need to find y'alls self a skyscrape
or a Dynasty mansion,
cause you're gonna have to wait it out a bit.
And then...
All you gots to do is barricade off that first floo
and behead everybody inside,
unless they a hungin'.
Piece of cake!
And it ain't murder,
cause they already dead.
But if you unsure, just go ahead and
lop they heads off anyway,
cause it's survival of the fittest bitches.
I mean if you the polite type,
you can go on ahead and ask them if they a zombie
but be warned...
It is common knowledge that zombies...
...is notorious liars.
Shit.
Shit, course this could be stemmin'
from the fact that the other night.
I chase a handful of Roxies with a fifth of Jack
and a Listerine chaser
cause I bumped my damn elbow on the door frame.
And I pass out on the couch
and then I wake up and all these zombies like-
(zombie moans)
(spooky laughter)
(scary noises)
And it's like you livin' in this dream
that's your new reality
or the offshoot-parallel of your own reality
and they all get mesh up together
and now zombies is really zombies now
cause all the animals is dead cause
like from a meteorite like the dinosaurs
and now we all forced to eat each other!
You know, them kinda dreams?
It kinda make you think about takin' up drinkin'.
Don't it?
Well, what the fuck ever.
It work for me.
I do like that new show Walkin' Dead,
but I got to have a towel up under me
for when I gets too scared.
I wonder what skin taste like.
I got this scab down here.
Ow, fuck!
(spits)
Goddamnit!
(spits)
That was-
That was traumatizin'...
Boo!
Shit.
Shit, I knew you dumbass mother fuckers
would fall for that skin-eatin' zombie shit.
(laughs)
Ya'll don't-
Ow! Goddamnit!
And that's How I Seize It.