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When you are on your death bed, it's important to have the ones you love there with you.
Patience is overrated...
Patience is overrated...
The opens with a shot of hospital room. Kate Bosworth is in the hospital
bed, looking very sick. Meagan Gay is standing next to the bed holding
Kate Bosworth's hand.
Kate Bosworth: Oh Mom.
Meagan Gay: It'll be fine, just fine.
Kate Bosworth: It's gonna be okay.
Meagan Gay: Yes, of course it is. That's my girl.
Kate Bosworth: It'll be okay.
Meagan Gay: Of course it will. Of course it will.
The shot cuts to the doorway and Topher Grace come through it. He rushes
over to the bedside and takes Kate Bosworth's hand.
Kate Bosworth: Ben.
Topher Grace: I came as soon as I heard.
Kate Bosworth (very upset): I have to start treatment immediately.
Topher Grace: You're going to fight this. We are going to fight this.
Kate Bosworth: Yeah.
Topher Grace: I'll tell you something else. I would hate to be cancer
right now.
The shot cuts to Meagan Gay who gives out a little laugh. The shot cuts
back to Kate Bosworth and Topher Grace. Kate Bosworth kisses the back of
Topher Grace's hand. He pulls out a piece of ice from a glass and puts
it up to Kate Bosworth's mouth. A voice from off-screen is heard.
Brett Gelman (voiceover): Cut!
The shot cuts to Brett Gelman sitting in a chair.
Brett Gelman: It's not there guys.
The shot cuts back to Topher Grace and then back to Brett Gelman.
Brett Gelman (to Topher Grace): You, come here.
Brett Gelman and Topher Grace walk away from the hospital room set.
Topher Grace: Hey, you know, I was thinking maybe it felt like it was a
little rushed. By the way, can I just say what an unbelievable honor it
is to finally be working with you.
Brett Gelman: Yeah, great. Where's the subtext? You do know what subtext
is, right?
Topher Grace: I think I do, yeah.
Brett Gelman: You're not just concerned that she's sick.
Topher Grace: Okay, right.
Brett Gelman: Right. This is the woman that you really want to fuck.
Topher Grace stares blankly at Brett Gelman for a moment.
Brett Gelman: That you just want to fuck the shit out of.
Topher Grace: Uh, okay.
Brett Gelman: You want to spread those ass-cheeks apart and go to town,
dick style.
Topher Grace: Okay, are we still talking about the hospital scene?
Brett Gelman: No, no, no, no. You're talking about the hospital scene.
I'm talking about the subtext. See, I'm making art here. That's why, if
you haven't notice, I'm not yelling action at the beginning of the
scene. No. I yell artion.
Topher Grace: Oh, yeah, we were all kind of wondering what that meant.
Brett Gelman: Remember, when you see those tits, your flaccid cock could
be tied to ten, hundred pound weights, it doesn't matter. Your prick is
getting hard. Those weights are coming up off the ground. You're about
to tear up that pussy motherfucker. You know what I mean?
Topher Grace (uncomfortable): Yes, I do.
Brett Gelman: Now, she's got cancer. It's like tick-tock, tick-tock,
tick-tock. Are you clear?
Topher Grace: I'm too clear. I wish that I was less clear.
Brett Gelman: (to Topher grace) Let's shoot this.
Brett Gelman and Topher Grace walk back over to the hospital room set.
Brett Gelman: (To everyone) Okay, let's do this folks and, this time,
let's make it count. Okay?
The shot cuts to Topher Grace coming into the hospital room. He rushes
over and takes Kate Bosworth's hand.
Kate Bosworth: Ben.
Topher Grace: I came as...
Brett Gelman (voiceover): Cut.
Topher Grace gets angry and stands up. Brett Gelman walks over to Topher
Grace and Kate Bosworth.
Brett Gelman (to Topher Grace): No, you got it. Get the fuck out of
here.
Kate Bosworth (to Brett Gelman): We really didn't do much of the scene.
Brett Gelman (to Kate Bosworth): This is hard because, I just respect
you so much as an artist.
Kate Bosworth: Okay. Thank you.
Brett Gelman: Remember, when you first see him at the start of the
scene, you're very happy. But, don't forget that you are still
devastated.
Kate Bosworth: Yeah, well she's just been diagnosed with cancer.
Brett Gelman: No, no, no, because his pants are on and you want that
dick.
Kate Bosworth stares at Brett Gelman blankly.
Brett Gelman: That's all you can think about. Getting that dick in your
dick sucking mouth.
Kate Bosworth: Okay, um...
Brett Gelman: Then you want to put bristles on his cock, brush your
teeth with it for five years and then floss with his pubic hair.
The shot pans over to Meagan Gay, who looks horrified and then turns her
head away. The shot cuts back to Brett Gelman and Kate Bosworth.
Brett Gelman: You want to duck into a dirty hospital closet and gobble
down that dong like it's a cancer curing Snickers bar.
Kate Bosworth stares at Brett Gelman in disbelief.
Brett Gelman: I'm sorry. Is this over you head? At all?
Kate Bosworth: No. I'm just not really sure what's happening. Can we
just go again?
Brett Gelman: You know what's happening, because you're a happening
actress and this is a happening scene.
Kate Bosworth: Okay.
Brett Gelman: Gobble on that dick.
Kate Bosworth: Alright.
Brett Gelman goes back to his chair.
Brett Gelman: Alright, let's make this count or I'm gonna fucking kill
myself. Just kidding. And...artion!
The shot cuts to Topher Grace coming into the room, rushing over to Kate
Bosworth and taking her hand.
Kate Bosworth: Ben.
Brett Gelman (voiceover): Cut!
Topher Grace: God damn it!
The shot cuts to Brett Gelman walking over to Meagan Gay.
Brett Gelman: Look, I'm sorry. It's almost done, okay. We almost got it.
(to Meagan Gay) You.
Topher Grace and Kate Bosworth both back away.
Meagan Gay: Was I doing something wrong?
Brett Gelman: You're daughter. She's dying, right?
Meagan Gay: Yes.
Brett Gelman: I want you to grapple with that stout and selfless job
over her finding love, mixed with an empty ennui of the innate
loneliness of life.
Meagan Gay (surprised): Totally, totally.
Brett Gelman: Just imagine that you're wearing a cum beard.
Meagan Gay nods in resignation.
Brett Gelman: Again on the cum, where a fucking beard would grow.
The shot cuts to Topher Grace and Kate Bosworth.
Kate Bosworth: Wow.
Topher Grace: Yep.
The shot cuts back to Meagan Gay and Brett Gelman.
Meagan Gay: You are a terrible director.
Brett Gelman: You're quite right, Santa Cum. Alright, we are rolling.
The shot cuts back to the beginning of the scene with Meagan Gay
comforting Kate Bosworth. Topher Grace comes into the room, rushes over
and takes Kate Bosworth's hand.
Kate Bosworth: Ben.
Topher Grace: I came as soon as I heard.
Kate Bosworth: You're about to cum a whole lot harder when you bury your
cock in my face. Oh, I have cancer.
Topher Grace: Oh yeah, (he rolls his eyes) does someone need me to fuck
that cancer right out of their pussy.
The shot cuts to Brett Gelman sitting in his chair.
Brett Gelman: Cut!
The shot cuts back to Topher Grace, who looks completely exasperated.
The shot cuts back to Brett Gelman.
Brett Gelman: Now that's what I call artion. Yeah!.
The shot cuts to black.
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