Zach Galifianakis: Hello, my name is Zachalabee Dukakis, and I'm coming to you from the year two thousand fifteen, where anything is possible. For instance, I've implanted a radio inside my head, where I can listen to tuba music all day long.
Zach Galifianakis: Also, in the year two thousand fifteen, you will be able to turn yourself into a big, fat, adult baby.
Zach Galifianakis: If being a big, fat, adult baby doesn't interest you, then perhaps this will.
[Computer Beeping Sounds]
Sarah Silverman: In the future, bears don't maul you anymore. They're just as cute and cuddly as they seem like they are. I'm just kidding. They're extinct.
Tracy Morgan: You know what? In the future we have hybrid animals, man. It's the dopest, it's the coolest, man. Like an eagle-phant. That's an eagle and an elephant.
Isaiah Mustafa: In the future, we all become robots. Which is good, because we all have permanent six-pack abs. But, it's also bad, because we forget how to love.
Chloe Moretz: Yeah, the future's pretty great. You know, I've already seen the Arrested Development movie, and the sequel. [Gasp] And they both won Oscars.
Marisa Tomei: Cars fold up into tiny boxes that fit in your pocket. I drive a Porsche, see?!
Sarah Silverman: In the future, boobs are gross. Like, these are so gross. In the future.
Tracy Morgan: We even have a Turtaffe. That's a turtle and a giraffe. You know, it's tall but it's got a shell on it. And it eats vegetation still.
Sarah Silverman: There are some words in the future that don't exist anymore like totes, and random, and, like, amaze-balls, gone. And Gouda.
Tracy Morgan: We also have something called a wolphin that's like a wolf and a, and a, hen, I guess.
Marisa Tomei: Eating with your mouth open is really sexy.
Tracy Morgan: In this future, puppies pick up my poop!
Zach Galifianakis: Thank you, celebrities. Is there anything they don't know? Here's something that's not too crazy. We can reach the beginning of the end of AIDS by twenty-fifteen. Please, get off your lazy [Beep] western as*es and think about the rest of the world for one God damn minute and stop worrying about your pathetic life, and watching The Bachelor. No one gives a [Beep].
Sarah Silverman: I don't think there's a reason to yell, Zach. If you get a chance, go to one dot org.