Nine Lives w/ Christian Slater, Elijah Wood & Patricia Arquette

Director

Ace Norton

Actor

Nick Kroll

Actor

Seth Morris

Uploader

Funny Or Die

Make Up Artist

Shauna O'Toole

Actor

Elijah Wood

Producer

David Bernad

Additional Credits >

Old embed code (only works with browsers that support Adobe Flash)

The video opens with a shot of tree limbs moving overhead with sunlight shining through them. The word – NINE LIVES – fade into view and then back out of view. The shot fades to a palm tree and then pans down to reveal a house. Nick Kroll walks out of the house wearing a bright green shirt. Stops for a moment at the sidewalk, claps his hands, turns and points. He sets off in the direction he pointed. He is shown walking down the sidewalk.

Random Stranger: Will you high five me?

Nick Kroll: Yeah man.

The two high five.

Nick Kroll: Dynamite.

The shot cuts to another random stranger sitting on a low wall. Nick Kroll walks by and the second random stranger throws him a candy bar.

Second Random Stranger: Here you go.

Nick Kroll: Oh, Take Five, that's my favorite candy bar.

The shot cuts to an intersection. Nick Kroll and a car arrive at the intersection at the same time. The car's driver shouts to Nick Kroll.

Driver: You seem like a nice person.

Nick Kroll: Oh, thanks so much.

Nick Kroll continues on his way until, on the opposite side of the street, he sees Rachel Specter.

Rachel Specter: Hey! Hi, you're super cute in a really nice shirt.

Nick Kroll: Oh, thank you, I like to wear green.

Rachel Specter: Would you mind giving me directions? I'm so lost.

Nick Kroll: Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah.

Nick Kroll starts to cross the street and is struck by a vehicle. The shot fades to white and then fades to moving palm trees.

Nick Kroll (voiceover): Why do I feel so light and so heavy? Did I? Oh my god, I think, I think I'm dead.

The shot crossfades to the face of small boy, played by Zane Huett.

Nick Kroll (voiceover): What is going on? Who's this guy? Who's this redheaded kid? Is this God? Why do I feel so hot all of a sudden?

Zane Huett holds up a magnifying glass to his eye.

Nick Kroll (voiceover): Oh, ow, oh he's burning me.

The shot cuts to a worm on the ground. Zane Huett is focusing sunlight onto the worm with the magnifying glass.

Nick Kroll (voiceover): I came back to life as a worm.

Zane Huett: Burn. Yes. Die.

Nick Kroll (voiceover): Oh, what did I do wrong? I was good to my mother. I wore a nice, green Ow! This motherf...

The shot fades to white and then fades in to a bar, where Elijah Wood is drinking.

Nick Kroll (voiceover): Why do I feel I feel all wet and hairy? Oh, this is so weird.

Seth Morris, playing the bartender, comes over and puts another drink down in front of Elijah Wood.

Elijah Wood: Thanks, man.

Nick Kroll (voiceover): What am I? I'm this dude's mustache.

Seth Morris: What is up, dude? I hate seeing you like this.

Elijah Wood: Life's a dickhead.

Seth Morris: Why? I don't understand. What's the problem?

Elijah Wood: I don't have a fucking job. I don't have a woman.

Seth Morris: i”m not trying to hurt your feelings, but I think all your problems are from your mustache.

Nick Kroll (voiceover): What? Fuck you and your giant forehead.

Elijah Wood: My stache?

Seth Morris: Yeah. Your stache is terrible, dude. It's really bad. You look like you chugged a glass of hair just now.

Nick Kroll (voiceover): No, it's classy.

Seth Morris: I'm saying this as a friend. You look like a fucking asshole in that thing.

Nick Kroll (voiceover): No, I look retro.

Seth Morris hands Elijah Wood a business card.

Seth Morris: Take this. LTHis is the best mustache guy in L.A. Please, do yourself a favor.

Elijah Wood: Sweet, thanks man!

Seth Morris: Yeah, do it soon man. I don't like looking at you like this.

Elijah Wood: I'm gonna do it.

Elijah Wood and Seth Morris bump fists.

Nick Kroll (voiceover): Blowing it up. That's lame.

The shot cuts to Elijah Wood driving.

Nick Kroll (voiceover): If you shave the mustache, you're going to look like Elijah Wood. That Frodo-looking motherfucker.

The shot cuts Elijah Wood sitting in a barber-style chair.

Nick Kroll (voiceover): Oh, don't do this. Grow a goatee. Give me a buddy. Owwww.

The shot fades to white and fades back in on a woman's hands. The woman looks up into a mirror, revealing Rachel Specter.

Nick Kroll (voiceover): What now? What is this shit? Whoa, I'm a girl.

Rachel Specter: Whoa, I'm a girl.

Rachel Specter reaches up and grabs her own breasts, before looking down her own shirt.

Nick Kroll (voiceover): Tits?

Rachel Specter: I'm a well developed girl.

Nick Kroll (voiceover): I'm, I'm directions girl. Oh, I am gonna make sweet, sweet love to myself. Alright. Not bad.

A toilet is heard flushing in the other room. Dan Levy walks out the bathroom.

Dan Levy: Whew, babers.

Nick Kroll (voiceover): Who's this douchebag

Dan Levy grabs Rachel Specter and kisses her.

Nick Kroll (voiceover): I am not ready for this.

Rachel Specter: I am not ready for this.

Rachel Specter throws herself out the window and falls severals stories to the sidewalk.

Dan Levy: Babe.

The shot fades to white and fades back in on a child's drawing. The drawing is animated and shows a dog peeing onto a hydrant. An animated stick man walks into the picture.

Animated Dog: Hey, what are you, dude? Reincarnated?

Nick Kroll (voiceover): What you mean, what are you dude? You're a dog, pissing on a hydrant. I don't understand any of this. I'm a stick figure. This isn't a life.

Animated Dog: Pretty trippy, right?

The shot fades to white and fades back in to three guys in a bar. One of them is holding a dart.

Nick Kroll (voiceover): I don't like the way these guys are looking at me.

The shot pans around to show a dartboard. A dart hits the dartboard.

Nick Kroll (voiceover): Ow!

A second dart hits the dartboard.

Nick Kroll (voiceover): Mmmm.

The shot fades to white and fades back in a Dodgers bobblehead doll.

Nick Kroll (voiceover): Oh, when am I gonna get a good life?

The shot fades to white and fades back in to show Christian Slater signing a copy of True Romance in video store.

Christian Slater: Yep, that's the story of the phone booth scene from True Romance.

Chrisitan Slater hands the copy of True Romance to one of several female fans dressed up as Patricia Arquette's character from True Romance.

Nick Kroll (voiceover): Now we're talking. I'm Christian Slater. I love his...I mean, my movies.

Female Fan: Let me know if you want to rehearse or something.

She slides a piece of paper across the table to Christian Slater.

Christian Slater: Uh, for a movie that was shot in 1993?

Female Fan: Yeah.

Christian Slater: Okay, well, thanks very much ladies. I've gotta jet. I gotta get to a free money party out in Malibu. Alright. Bye.

Christian Slater gets up and leaves the video store, followed by several of the female fans. A man runs up to Christian Slater.

Random Man: Christian, will you sign my chest.

Christian Slater: Oh my God. No, no Peter, I will not sign your chest.

Christian Slater starts to cut across a street. The female fans begin screaming.

Fans: I love you, Christian!

Christian Slater stops briefly in the street.

Christian Slater: Thanks. Thanks very much.

Christian Slater is struck by a vehicle. The shot cuts to the fans who begin screaming. The shot cuts to the interior of the vehicle and reveals Patricia Arquette is driving.

Patricia Arquette: Clarence, baby, next time I tell you to do the sequel, you do the damn sequel.

Credits roll.