The New F***ing Citibank

Uploader

Funny Or Die

Director

Eric Appel

Writer

Seth Morris

Actor

Kulap Vilaysack

Additional Credits >

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The video opens with a screenshot of a headline that reads: U.S. government to own up to 36% of Citi. The shot then cuts to a shot of the company name Citibank.

Announcer: Since the US government has become a 36% shareholder, Citibank has now become nationalized Citibank.

The word nationalized fades in over the company name Citibank. The shot then cuts Demorge Brown getting into a car.

Demorge Brown (with faux cheeriness): Now, going to the bank is just like going to the fucking DMV.

Demorge Brown gets in his car. The shot then cuts to Will McLaughlin, wearing a hardhat and nailing something to a telephone pole.

Will McLaughlin: I had to wait in a line, to get into another line, to get into a third line, to be told that someone gave me the wrong fucking form. Ha.

The shot then cuts to Morgan Vukovic, crouched next to an open door, attending to a baby.

Morgan Vukovic: They can only afford dial up, so online banking takes days and days.

The shot then cuts to Kulap Vilaysack leading an outdoor meditation group consisting of Marlene Maginot, Andie Bolt, Emily Maya Mills, Erin Gibson and Bart Folkerts

Kulap Vilaysack: Everyone who works there is an arrogant retard.

Kulap Vilaysack and the Meditation Group: Fuck you nationalized Citibank.

The shot then cuts to a still shot that reads: FDIC Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation.

Announcer: We’re FDIC insured and our policies are subject to the whims of pundits and lawmakers.

The shot then cuts to Johnny Meeks and Kellynn Jones.

Johnny Meeks: The loan officer said we’d have to take a drug test in order to be considered for a home improvement loan.

Kellynn Jones: And sign something called a pledge of righteousness.

Johnny Meeks: This is such fucking bullshit.

The shot cuts to Joel Spence standing in front of an ATM.

Joel Spence: This…

Joel Spence unfolds an enormous printout.

Joel Spence: …is a fucking ATM deposit form.

The shot cuts to the words take a number.

Announcer: Take a number.

A red arch reminiscent of the Citibank logo appears and then the words wait your fucking turn appear.

Announcer: Wait your fucking turn. We’re nationalized Citibank.

The image spins from the words take a number wait your fucking turn to read nationalized Citibank.