Starring Charlie Sheen Directed by Matt Villines & Osmany Rodriguez Written by Lauren Palmigiano & Chris Henchy Edited by Pat Bishop & Danny Jelinek Produced by Christin Trogan Executive Producer: Mike Farah Co-Producer: Natalie Kenly Director of Photography: Kevin Atkinson B-Camera Operator: Brian Lane C-Camera Operator: Tony Lopez-Cepero Production Design: Kevin Oestenstad Grips: Jay Guffey & Elliot Dickerhoof Sound: Ryan Kaiser Makeup: Sara Irving Special thanks to J.D. Walsh Extra Special Thanks to Wynter Mitchell (@kweeneverything)
[Scene opens to a large kitchen with Charlie Sheen smoking a
cigarette in an orange striped tiger chef's hat and an apron with the
words "Winning Recipes" on it.]
Charlie Sheen: Hello. I'm Charlie Sheen, and this is Charlie Sheen's Winning Recipes.
Yes, I'm doing a cooking show. Why? Because, if you haven't noticed, I'm "winning" television right now.
My plan is to be the first person to make an appearance on every
television network, just like i was the first person to get 1 million
Twitter followers in 24 hrs, [snaps his fingers & the sound of a
growling Jaguar is heard] like I was the first to build a rocket ship to
Caseopea using only my mind tools. Here I come, Food Network. [Ninja
Face it. I am living the life of a rock star Vatican assassin, and if
you eat like me, you can be like me. If you aren't thinking about what
you're putting into your body, plan better.
The first decision you have to make is which kitchen to use: the indoor
kitchen, so it's in the "comfort zone", or the outdoor kitchen, because
the spirits of my Adonis ancestors can fly above me and breathe fire
onto the meal.
[Charlie Sheen vanishes into a spot of light and reappears sitting on a countertop in an outdoor kitchen]
Outdoor wins. I just teleported myself here.
[Charlie Sheen vanishes and reappears standing in the indoor kitchen
with a cigarette in his mouth behind a counter with various clear bowls
containing a head of lettuce, a tomato, and various other vegetables.]
I did it again.
Now that you're in the right kitchen, you need to have the right tools.
[Waves spatula around] This is not a spatula; it's a cooking wand for a warlock!
[Holds out a clear mixing bowl] This is not a bowl; it is a cauldron of awesomeness.
All green things must die. So I'm going to start off by making a salad.
[Picks up tomato, holding it out] I got this tomato from my garden. I
grew this. My fingertips radiate sunshine, and I water them with the
tears of a jaguar. I will rinse off any nymphs or demons that got on it
while in my garden. [Rinses tomato, places it into bowl]
Salad is done. Some troll is going to say, "That's not a salad." Oh really? Looks like a tomato winning salad to me.
[Charlie Sheen is standing in front of a large indoor grill] This won't
be a kosher meal, not because I'm anti-Semitic, but because my tiger
blood needs meat. [Holding a plate with a steak] I killed this cow
myself. Winners stalk and kill their own food without earthly weapons.
I'm not some mouth breather in a drive-thru gorging my pie hole on mass
produced monkey grub. My body's a lock box of diamonds, uranium, and
[As he places the steak on the grill] The best way to cook a steak is
with moderate to intense observation. [ding] Duh! Winning! Steak is
done. [smashes plate onto counter]
There's only one thing you can drink with a meal like this. [Takes
bottle, removes the cork] No wine in Silver Valley Lodge. This is tea
made from ground dinosaur fossils. [Pours it into his glass] Now for a
couple more finishing touches.
[Montage of Charlie Sheen cooking and smoking in his kitchen]
Charlie Sheen Voice-over: I don't cook food, I will it.
My hands are rated by Zagats.
Charlie Sheen [staring out of the window, cigarette in hand]: Who am I?
[Completes the meal and presents a rare steak with cigarettes in it]
Now garnish it with a secret ingredient: Charlie Sheen [uses his eye rays to make the meal edible]
Mmmm...tastes like winning.
Charlie Sheen Voice-over: Warning! The taste of Charlie Sheen has the potential to cause your soul to weep and forfeit