Charlie Sheen's Winning Recipes

Actor

Charlie Sheen

Directors

Matt and Oz

Writer

lauren

Writer

Chris Henchy

Editor

Danny Jelinek

Editor

PatB

B-Cam

Brian Lane

Executive Producer

Funny Or Die

Producer

Christin Trogan

C-Cam

TLopezCepero

Additional Credits >

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Charlie Sheen's Winning Recipes

[Scene opens to a large kitchen with Charlie Sheen smoking a cigarette in an orange striped tiger chef's hat and an apron with the words "Winning Recipes" on it.]

Charlie Sheen: Hello. I'm Charlie Sheen, and this is Charlie Sheen's Winning Recipes.

Yes, I'm doing a cooking show. Why? Because, if you haven't noticed, I'm "winning" television right now.
My plan is to be the first person to make an appearance on every television network, just like i was the first person to get 1 million Twitter followers in 24 hrs, [snaps his fingers & the sound of a growling Jaguar is heard] like I was the first to build a rocket ship to Caseopea using only my mind tools. Here I come, Food Network. [Ninja Stance]

Face it. I am living the life of a rock star Vatican assassin, and if you eat like me, you can be like me. If you aren't thinking about what you're putting into your body, plan better.

The first decision you have to make is which kitchen to use: the indoor kitchen, so it's in the "comfort zone", or the outdoor kitchen, because the spirits of my Adonis ancestors can fly above me and breathe fire onto the meal.

[Charlie Sheen vanishes into a spot of light and reappears sitting on a countertop in an outdoor kitchen]

Outdoor wins. I just teleported myself here.

[Charlie Sheen vanishes and reappears standing in the indoor kitchen with a cigarette in his mouth behind a counter with various clear bowls containing a head of lettuce, a tomato, and various other vegetables.]

I did it again.

Now that you're in the right kitchen, you need to have the right tools.

[Waves spatula around] This is not a spatula; it's a cooking wand for a warlock!

[Holds out a clear mixing bowl] This is not a bowl; it is a cauldron of awesomeness.

All green things must die. So I'm going to start off by making a salad.

[Picks up tomato, holding it out] I got this tomato from my garden. I grew this. My fingertips radiate sunshine, and I water them with the tears of a jaguar. I will rinse off any nymphs or demons that got on it while in my garden. [Rinses tomato, places it into bowl]

Salad is done. Some troll is going to say, "That's not a salad." Oh really? Looks like a tomato winning salad to me.

[Charlie Sheen is standing in front of a large indoor grill] This won't be a kosher meal, not because I'm anti-Semitic, but because my tiger blood needs meat. [Holding a plate with a steak] I killed this cow myself. Winners stalk and kill their own food without earthly weapons. I'm not some mouth breather in a drive-thru gorging my pie hole on mass produced monkey grub. My body's a lock box of diamonds, uranium, and assassin nobility.

[As he places the steak on the grill] The best way to cook a steak is with moderate to intense observation. [ding] Duh! Winning! Steak is done. [smashes plate onto counter]

There's only one thing you can drink with a meal like this. [Takes bottle, removes the cork] No wine in Silver Valley Lodge. This is tea made from ground dinosaur fossils. [Pours it into his glass] Now for a couple more finishing touches.

[Montage of Charlie Sheen cooking and smoking in his kitchen]

Charlie Sheen Voice-over: I don't cook food, I will it.
My hands are rated by Zagats.

Charlie Sheen [staring out of the window, cigarette in hand]: Who am I?

[Completes the meal and presents a rare steak with cigarettes in it]

Now garnish it with a secret ingredient: Charlie Sheen [uses his eye rays to make the meal edible]

Mmmm...tastes like winning.

Charlie Sheen Voice-over: Warning! The taste of Charlie Sheen has the potential to cause your soul to weep and forfeit