Obama's Jobs Speech Leaked
Be careful what you wish for.
- January 26, 2010
- 200k Views
Directed by Elizabeth Banks
Written by Elizabeth Wright Shapiro
Starring Adam Scott, Elizabeth Wright Shapiro, Ken Mitchell, and Brian Gallivan
Produced by Michelle Fox
Cinematography by David Jones
Edited by Matt Villines
Hair and Makeup by Shauna O'Toole
January 26, 2010
office supplies into boxes. Ken Mitchell walks into the room carrying a
Ken Mitchell: Hey guys, what should I do with all these AIDS prevention
pamphlets, just throw them out, right?
Adam Scott: Yeah. No reason to keep them now.
Ken Mitchell: Cool.
Elizabeth Wright Shapiro pulls something out of a box.
Elizabeth Wright Shapiro: Great. Starbucks gift certificate. Expired.
Adam Scott: Oh, I got a job interview next week.
Elizabeth Wright Shapiro: Oh, that's awesome. Where?
Adam Scott: Breast cancer.
Elizabeth Wright Shapiro: Wow. I didn't know they were hiring.
Adam Scott: Yeah, I'd coordinate their races.
Elizabeth Wright Shapiro: Fingers crossed.
Adam Scott: Oh, did you want me to try and get you in there?
Elizabeth Wright Shapiro: No, please. I submitted my resume to battered
Ken Mitchell comes back in with a box full of red ribbons.
Ken Mitchell: Hey guys, what should I do with all these red ribbons.
Elizabeth Wright Shapiro: Just throw them out, Matt.
Ken Mitchell: Are you sure? I mean, red's up for grabs.
Adam Scott: Matt. Please.
Ken Mitchell nods.
Ken Mitchell: Hey, there's cake in Beth's office.
Ken Mitchell leaves.
Adam Scott picks up a picture.
Adam Scott: Ah, remember last year's fundraiser? We all sang karaoke
with Elton John.
Elizabeth Wright Shapiro: Totally. Rocket man.
Adam Scott laughs.
Elizabeth Wright Shapiro: Remember when we all went to India and passed
out all those condoms.
Adam Scott: It's been a good run.
Elizabeth Wright Shapiro: Man, this sucks.
Adam Scott: What?
Elizabeth Wright Shapiro: It sucks they cured AIDS. There, I said it.
Adam Scott: Believe me, we're all thinking it.
Elizabeth Wright Shapiro: I know that millions of gay guys and Africans
aren't going to die now. And I know this is what we've been working all
these years for, but, I'm sorry, it's just like really shitty timing fo
me. You know?
Adam Scott: On Monday, Beth gave me a raise. Guess what happens,
Tuesday? They cure aids.
Elizabeth Wright Shapiro: I know there's no right time to cure AIDS, but
during a recession? Really?
Adam Scott: Recession? How about the worst economic meltdown since the
Elizabeth Wright Shapiro: Scientists are such assholes.
Adam Scott: Yeah, no shit.
Elizabeth Wright Shapiro: Part of me is just like, what the fuck
happened to cancer? You know? I thought for sure they'd cure that shit
Adam Scott: Yeah. What do they have, like, twenty ribbon colors now?
Elizabeth Wright Shapiro: What kind of pussy ass disease gets cured in
like twenty years anyways? It took longer to cure fucking polio.
Adam Scott: What happened to the common cold? They still haven't cured
Elizabeth Wright Shapiro: Right. So, basically, a cold is worse than
AIDS now. I'd rather get AIDS, than a cold.
Ken Mitchell pops his head back into the room. He's carrying a piece of
Ken Mitchell: Look who stopped by to say hi.
Brian Gallivan comes into the room. He has lesions on his forehead
consistent with AIDS.
Brian Gallivan: Hey. Hey.
Adam Scott: Oh, Jesus Christ.
Brian Gallivan: I just wanted to thank you guys for all the hard work
you've done. (claps Adam Scott on the shoulder) Thanks to you I'm gonna
Adam Scott: Matt, is this a joke? (to Brian Gallivan) What is this?
Okay, congratulations, now go fuck yourself.
Brian Gallivan looks back and forth between Adam Scott and Elizabeth
Brian Gallivan (to Adam Scott): Fuck you.
Adam Scott: You too, Matt! Get the fuck out of here.
Brian Gallivan and Ken Mitchell leave the room.
Elizabeth Wright Shapiro: The balls on that guy. Jesus. Shit. I forgot
to mail my rent check.
Adam Scott: Oh, God damn it.
Elizabeth Wright Shapiro: I swear, this has been the worst fucking week.
The shot cuts the following text – AIDS We Did It!
The shot cuts to black.