Starring Charlie Sanders as Ron Featuring Bob Odenkirk, Nelson Franklin, Rich Sommer, Jessica St. Clair & Andrew Astor Directed by Eric Appel Written by Eric Appel and Charlie Sanders Also featuring Zoe Jarman, Doug Jones, Noa Pharoah, Sean Coleman, Brian Edwards, Joe Reilly, Julianne Berg & Gisselle Acuna Produced by Mike Farah and Lauren Palmigiano Associate Producer: Christin Trogan Director of Photography: Christian Sprenger Edited by Eric Appel Sound: BoTown Sound Assistant Director: Justin Oberman First AC: Alyssa Soetebier Production Design: Rachael Ferrera & Alexi Gomez Original Score: Mike Chiaburu Sound Mixer: Geoff Green Visual FX: Dustin Bowser Wardrobe: Leslie Schilling Makeup: Shauna O’Toole Gaffer: Cody Jacobs Grips: Andrew Dickieson, Bernard Evans, & Alex Barroso Best Boy/Truck: Hillary Hanak Production Assistant: Elliot Dickerhoof Executive Producer: Mike Farah
Ron: We've got five suburban locations. We've got Egan, Edina, Eden Prairie, Bloomington, and our very own Ridgefield. Dude, I'm not braggin'. I think we're the best one.
Rich: Yeah, how much of the sauce?
Ron: It's one scoop in the middle and you spread it around. And I think we're the best one, man. You know why? Rich?
Ron: You know why I think we're the best one?
Ron: Has to do with speed and order. Because if you're out in Egan and you have a multi-delivery, you know how Egan has those gated communities? Rich?
Rich: Yeah, they got the, uh...
Ron: The gated communities, yeah. So, if you have a multi-delivery, you have to go all the way through security just to get one pie out, the whole time you got another pie in the back coolin' down, then you deliver a cold pie dead on arrival, you know what I mean?
Rich: How many of these, uh, pepperoni slices...
Ron: A large gets 24 pepperonis. Who trained you? [laughs]. So, that's why I think Ridgefield's the best store. Now, let me ask you something. What are you gunnin' for here, man? Delivery guy? Rich? Cause if you're deliv-, if you're going for delivery guy, I got a word of advice for you, man. Slow down, because [mocking Italian Mafioso voice] You gotta know how to make the pizzas before you can tackle the pizzas. [laughs]. But seriously man, if you're asking my advice, I think you'd make a great assistant manager. And I can make that happen. [jingles keys] Every room in the place.
Rich: Uh, listen Ron, this is just a summer job.
Ron: What? Why?
Rich: You know, I'm in, I'm in college.
Ron: Well, let me ask you something. What college are you going to brainiac? [laughs]
Rich: [laughs] I go to Dartmouth.
Ron: So good. That's great for you.
Rich: I'm really psyched about it cause like...
Ron: I'm so psyched for you...
Rich: You know, my dad was a legacy...
Ron: It's great. So good.
Rich: So, that means that it...
Ron: So good, bro.
Rich: I'm in the same...
Ron: Uh, lets get these toppings topped off. All right?
Rich: I mean, it looks pretty full.
Ron: Mushrooms are kinda low. It's a Wednesday, so got that rush, you know?
Ron: Don't go!
Rich: Don't go stock up?
Ron: Don't go to Dartmouth. [laughs]
Rich: Uh, I mean I'm already, uh...
Ron: Stay and work at Famous Andy's, make some dough. Get yourself some nice toys. See what I rode in on today?
Rich: Yeah, you've got a Ford F...
Ron: Ford Focus.
Ron: You hear the speakers?
Ron: Well, they're loud as hell. Surprised you didn't hear them. My trunk? Can't fit anything in it, it's all speaker.
Rich: Well, that sucks.
Ron: Yeah, that sucks. Rich, come here for a second, buddy.
Ron: Just come here.
Ron: You wanna know what my favorite part about working at Famous Andy's is?
Rich: What's that?
Ron: [whispers] The garlic dipping sauce. Delicious. You know, I've been working here for five years. Every night when I go home I take like four or five garlic dipping sauces home with me. So, I got a fridge full of garlic dipping sauce.
Rich: You know, that's awesome.
Ron: Yeah. Get in here.
Ron: Mm, get in here.
Ron: [whispering] When I get up in the morning I make toast. In the toaster. And then, when it pops up, I spread it with garlic dipping sauce. [no longer whispering] I get to have garlic toast for breakfast. Do doctors and lawyers get to have garlic toast for breakfast?
Rich: Yeah, I mean if they wanted to have it they could just...
Ron: Yeah, they can. If they so choose. But, do they get up at four in the afternoon? Thanks, I got the rest of this. Thanks, man. I got it.
Rich: I didn't even finish.
Ron: Good work, buddy. Why don't you run out there? There's probably an order up. I got it. Got it.
Phone Caller: I'm at six ninety-one Lincoln Ave.
Ron: Yep, six ninety-one Lincoln, got it.
Phone Caller: And that's twenty-nine minutes or less, right?
Ron: Yep, twenty-nine minutes or less that's the deal.
Phone Caller: All right. One shorter than...
Ron: Yep, one shorter than Domino's.
Phone Caller: Hey, can I get extra garlic sauce? Hello? Are you paying attention?
Ron: Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm paying attention.
Phone Caller: Well, you don't sound like you're paying...
Ron: Yes! I'm paying attention.
Phone Caller: Okay, but...
Employee 1: Hey Bob, what's that poster you just put up?
Bob: Oh, it's just a new poster. Do you like posters?
Employee 1: I don't know.
Bob: It announces a contest. Regional-wide. Make your own pizza. Put whatever toppings you want on it, give it a name, and the top winner becomes a featured menu item at all seven locations. Pretty cool, huh?
Phone Caller: Hello? Hey, hello?
Ron: Can you imagine? A pizza you created on the Famous Andy's menu. That'd be it for me. I won't have to dream anymore.
Bob: Yo! Big R! I need to see you outside.
Bob: Uh, there's no easy way to do this, Ron. We're gonna have to let you go.
Ron: What? Why?
Bob: You've been stealing garlic dipping sauce!
Ron: You never said...
Bob: Yes, we told you, Ron. We said you can't just take Famous Andy products, even if you're a manager!
Ron: You don't have any...
Bob: We have it on camera, Ron! I'm sorry. Sorry.
Rich: So sorry, Bob. Uh, since Edina closed, do we have to like, take all our deliveries over to Eden Prairie?
Bob: Yeah. Ron?
Ron: You should, uh, call our Bloomington location.
Bob: You should call the Bloomington.
Rich: Call the Bloomington.
Bob: Thanks, Ron.
Ron: Fu**ing God Da** it! Motherfu**er! Ugh! [screaming and yelling inaudibly] Wait! Wait wait wait! Wait! No no no! N-n-no! Noooo!
Ron: I don't know how the fu** to make this stuff!
[smoke detector goes off]
Ron: Sh**! Ahh! Oh, Sh**! Ugh! Ahh! Fu**!
Ron: Hey, You have reached Ron! I'm not gonna be available for a couple of days, I'm working on a pizza creation. And, um, if this is Blockbuster, I, I can't return movies I don't have. I don't know where they are.
Rich: Hey. All right.
Ron: I missed you.
Rich: Yeah, Yeah, um, so listen, I just, I got your last paycheck here, so, uh...
Ron: I don't want it, man. I feel like it's the last thing from Famous Andy's I'll ever touch.
Rich: Okay, well, uh, I also need you to give me back the keys.
Ron: How's everybody doing?
Rich: You just sort of left without giving them to Bob.
Ron: I bet Wednesday through Sunday night shifts are freaking out without me.
Ron: It's gonna take them a while to find a replacement.
Rich: They found somebody.
Ron: Already? That was quick.
Ron: Probably got a lot of, you know, experience managing a corporate chain of Pizza Hut or Domino's or something.
Rich: He just got out of jail.
Rich: He's a felon. Um.
Ron: Probably a cook in jail.
Rich: You know what, I can't be sure, but I can't go back until I get those keys, so I just...
Ron: Rich, you can't have the keys! Because I'm gonna win the pizza creation contest and then they're gonna rehire me and I'll need them.
Rich: Ron, you cannot enter the contest.
Ron: You wanna hear my idea? It's called the Big Dog.
Ron: Cause it's gonna be big, and people like dogs.
Rich: They do.
Ron: Deep dish crust. Pepperoni, sausage, Canadian ham, and hamburger.
Rich: Hey, Ron. That's a meat lover's.
Ron: What?! No it's not you idiot! What are you, a nimrod?!
Rich: Just telling you it's a meat lover's alright?
Ron: A meat lover's doesn't have hamburger on it, man. We'll walk up to Pizza Hut right now and try one if you want to.
Rich: Who's that?
Ron: It's my kid.
Rich: Why is he dressed like a wizard?
Ron: He likes wizards. I'm a cool dad.
Rich: Just give me the keys alright?!
Ron: I lost 'em, bro.
Rich: Alright. Fine.
Ron: I'll see you later, man. Tell everybody I said what's up!
Simon: And then Todd came back from the nurse's office and he brang those two Popsicle sticks. He stuck them in his teeth. And for a second, I thought he was gonna...
Ron: Hey, buddy?
Ron: You wanna hear about the pizza creation your dad's working on?
Ron: Okay. You like dogs, buddy?
Ron: Alright that's good, cause this pizza's called the Big Dog.
Simon: You make pizzas out of dogs?
Ron: No, Simon! We don't make pizza out of dogs! Jesus! This pizza's made out of pepperoni, sausage, Canadian ham, and hamburger.
Simon: So, like a meat lover's?
Ron: No, Simon. It's not like a meat lover's. A Pizza Hut meat lover's doesn't have hamburger! Haven't you ever had a meat lover's before?
Ron: You know what? Just shut up.
Lena: Hi, sweetie.
Simon: Bye, dad.
Ron: Later, buddy.
Lena: Why is he dressed like a wizard? I told you to stop that.
Ron: Kids love wizards.
Lena: Mm, no they don't. You love wizards.
Ron: They like Harry Potter and sh** like that.
Lena: Okay, well he's not dressed like a Harry Potter wizard. It's like a, like a Merlin wizard.
Ron: Merlin was a better wizard anyway if you ask me.
Lena: It's unhealthy.
Ron: Hey, John! What's up, man?
John: How's it going?
Ron: How's the bass? Ba, ba, bum, ba, ba, bum.
John: It's good, it's good, it's good.
Ron: Aw, cool man.
John: Just got back from, uh, California actually.
Ron: Oh, wow.
John: Was laying down some stuff for Sheryl Crow.
Ron: West coast.
Lena: That's where it is. So...
John: Do you wanna come in and hear some of it?
Ron: Sure! Awesome!
Lena: Jesus Christ.
John: After you. What am I supposed to do?
Lena: Five minutes. We have that thing to get to.
John: Oh, working with Sheryl is amazing. She gives you full creative freedom, whatever you wanna do. She's got a beautiful studio. Blows this one out of the water.
Ron: Can I ask you a serious question?
John: Yeah, what's up?
Ron: What's your favorite kind of pizza?
John: Um, well I'm a vegetarian.
Ron: Sh**! Well, let's pretend you're not.
Ron: What do you think of this bad boy? It's called the Big Dog. Deep dish crust, pepperoni, sausage, Canadian ham, and hamburger.
John: Yeah. That sounds, it sounds, sounds pretty good.
Ron: Yes! Yes! That's what I've been telling people! It's a good pizza!
John: Yeah, I mean if, if I ate meat, I would, I would definitely eat that pizza.
Ron: I keep telling people, you know? When people order pizza they don't want variety, they want consistency. You know what I mean? Like, if you like meat you want more meat.
John: Yeah, it's like, um, what's the one at Pizza Hut? It's like the meat lover's pizza. I mean same kind of, same philosophy behind the thing that you want one thing a lot of it, right? I mean obviously yours is probably different somehow from it, I don't know. I don't. Is it different? Ron?
Simon: It's like a meat lover's.
Rich: What's the one at Pizza Hut? It's like the meat lover's pizza.
John: It's a meat lover's.
Simon: So, it's like a meat lover's.
Rich: So it's a meat lover's pizza.
Simon: It's a meat lover's.
Ron: It's called the Big Dog. It's a good pizza. Why won't anyone listen to me?
Evil Ron: Shut up, Ron! You're stupid! It's just like a meat lover's.
Ron: No it's not! You're stupid! You're like a meat lover's!
Evil Ron: You're a failure, Ron. And you're never gonna have garlic dipping sauce again!
Ron: I'll have garlic dipping sauce again! I'm gonna float down a river of garlic dipping sauce!
Evil Ron: No! No!
Ron: I am the Big Dog!
Evil Ron: No! No!
Ron: Arf! Arf! Woof!
Evil Ron: Noooo!
Announcer: And so a pizza like no other was born. Forged in the bowels of Hell, assembled by the hands of a madman, and delivered on the wings of a demon. Pepperoni, sausage, Canadian ham, and hamburger. Their coalescence the Big Dog.
Bob: Holy sh**. Ron, you're not supposed to be here.
Ron: It's called the Big Dog.
Bob: Wh-wh-what's the big dog?
Ron: My pizza. For the contest. The Big Dog.
Bob: Oh, Ron. You can't enter the contest.
Ron: Try the Big Dog, Bob.
Bob: Look, I think you...
Ron: Try the fu**ing Big Dog, Bob!
Bob: Alright! I'll try the Big Dog. Jesus Christ. Why does it look so weird?
Ron: There's something wrong with my oven.
Bob: Pretty good. It's got hamburger.
Bob: I like it.
Ron: Thanks, Bob.
Bob: It's really good.
Ron: So, uh, I'm rehired?
Ron: No! No! Famous Andy's! I need you! No! I wanna make them the pizzas! I wanna take them the pizzas! Rich, you're my best friend! Famous Andy's, no! Who am I?!