Funny or Die Presents: The Big Dog

Writer & Director

Eric Appel

Actor & Writer

CharlieSanders

Actor

Bob Odenkirk

Actor

Nelson Franklin

Actor

Rich Sommer

Actor

Jessica St Clair

Actor

Andrew Astor

Cinematographer

christiansprenger

Executive Producer

Funny Or Die

Makeup

Shauna O'Toole

Producer

Christin Trogan

Additional Credits [+]

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[music playing]

Ron: We've got five suburban locations. We've got Egan, Edina, Eden Prairie, Bloomington, and our very own Ridgefield. Dude, I'm not braggin'. I think we're the best one.

Rich: Yeah, how much of the sauce?

Ron: It's one scoop in the middle and you spread it around. And I think we're the best one, man. You know why? Rich?

Rich: Hmm?

Ron: You know why I think we're the best one?

Rich: Why?

Ron: Has to do with speed and order. Because if you're out in Egan and you have a multi-delivery, you know how Egan has those gated communities? Rich?

Rich: Yeah, they got the, uh...

Ron: The gated communities, yeah. So, if you have a multi-delivery, you have to go all the way through security just to get one pie out, the whole time you got another pie in the back coolin' down, then you deliver a cold pie dead on arrival, you know what I mean?

Rich: How many of these, uh, pepperoni slices...

Ron: A large gets 24 pepperonis. Who trained you? [laughs]. So, that's why I think Ridgefield's the best store. Now, let me ask you something. What are you gunnin' for here, man? Delivery guy? Rich? Cause if you're deliv-, if you're going for delivery guy, I got a word of advice for you, man. Slow down, because [mocking Italian Mafioso voice] You gotta know how to make the pizzas before you can tackle the pizzas. [laughs]. But seriously man, if you're asking my advice, I think you'd make a great assistant manager. And I can make that happen. [jingles keys] Every room in the place.

Rich: Uh, listen Ron, this is just a summer job.

Ron: What? Why?

Rich: You know, I'm in, I'm in college.

Ron: Well, let me ask you something. What college are you going to brainiac? [laughs]

Rich: [laughs] I go to Dartmouth.

Ron: So good. That's great for you.

Rich: I'm really psyched about it cause like...

Ron: I'm so psyched for you...

Rich: You know, my dad was a legacy...

Ron: It's great. So good.

Rich: So, that means that it...

Ron: So good, bro.

Rich: I'm in the same...

Ron: Uh, lets get these toppings topped off. All right?

Rich: I mean, it looks pretty full.

Ron: Mushrooms are kinda low. It's a Wednesday, so got that rush, you know?

[music playing]

Ron: Don't go!

Rich: Don't go stock up?

Ron: Don't go to Dartmouth. [laughs]

Rich: Uh, I mean I'm already, uh...

Ron: Stay and work at Famous Andy's, make some dough. Get yourself some nice toys. See what I rode in on today?

Rich: Yeah, you've got a Ford F...

Ron: Ford Focus.

Rich: Mm-hmm.

Ron: You hear the speakers?

Rich: No.

Ron: Well, they're loud as hell. Surprised you didn't hear them. My trunk? Can't fit anything in it, it's all speaker.

Rich: Well, that sucks.

Ron: Yeah, that sucks. Rich, come here for a second, buddy.

Rich: Um...

Ron: Just come here.

Rich: Okay.

Ron: You wanna know what my favorite part about working at Famous Andy's is?

Rich: What's that?

Ron: [whispers] The garlic dipping sauce. Delicious. You know, I've been working here for five years. Every night when I go home I take like four or five garlic dipping sauces home with me. So, I got a fridge full of garlic dipping sauce.

Rich: You know, that's awesome.

Ron: Yeah. Get in here.

Rich: Um...

Ron: Mm, get in here.

Ron: [whispering] When I get up in the morning I make toast. In the toaster. And then, when it pops up, I spread it with garlic dipping sauce. [no longer whispering] I get to have garlic toast for breakfast. Do doctors and lawyers get to have garlic toast for breakfast?

Rich: Yeah, I mean if they wanted to have it they could just...

Ron: Yeah, they can. If they so choose. But, do they get up at four in the afternoon? Thanks, I got the rest of this. Thanks, man. I got it.

Rich: I didn't even finish.

Ron: Good work, buddy. Why don't you run out there? There's probably an order up. I got it. Got it.

[music playing]

Phone Caller: I'm at six ninety-one Lincoln Ave.

Ron: Yep, six ninety-one Lincoln, got it.

Phone Caller: And that's twenty-nine minutes or less, right?

Ron: Yep, twenty-nine minutes or less that's the deal.

Phone Caller: All right. One shorter than...

Ron: Yep, one shorter than Domino's.

Phone Caller: Hey, can I get extra garlic sauce? Hello? Are you paying attention?

Ron: Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm paying attention.

Phone Caller: Well, you don't sound like you're paying...

Ron: Yes! I'm paying attention.

Phone Caller: Okay, but...

Employee 1: Hey Bob, what's that poster you just put up?

Bob: Oh, it's just a new poster. Do you like posters?

Employee 1: I don't know.

Bob: It announces a contest. Regional-wide. Make your own pizza. Put whatever toppings you want on it, give it a name, and the top winner becomes a featured menu item at all seven locations. Pretty cool, huh?

[music playing]

Phone Caller: Hello? Hey, hello?

Ron: Can you imagine? A pizza you created on the Famous Andy's menu. That'd be it for me. I won't have to dream anymore.

Bob: Yo! Big R! I need to see you outside.

Ron: Sure.

Bob: Uh, there's no easy way to do this, Ron. We're gonna have to let you go.

Ron: What? Why?

Bob: You've been stealing garlic dipping sauce!

Ron: You never said...

Bob: Yes, we told you, Ron. We said you can't just take Famous Andy products, even if you're a manager!

Ron: You don't have any...

Bob: We have it on camera, Ron! I'm sorry. Sorry.

Rich: So sorry, Bob. Uh, since Edina closed, do we have to like, take all our deliveries over to Eden Prairie?

Bob: Yeah. Ron?

Ron: You should, uh, call our Bloomington location.

Bob: You should call the Bloomington.

Rich: Call the Bloomington.

Bob: Thanks, Ron.

[music playing]

Ron: Fu**ing God Da** it! Motherfu**er! Ugh! [screaming and yelling inaudibly] Wait! Wait wait wait! Wait! No no no! N-n-no! Noooo!

Ron: I don't know how the fu** to make this stuff!

[music playing]

[smoke detector goes off]

Ron: Sh**! Ahh! Oh, Sh**! Ugh! Ahh! Fu**!

[music playing]

[beep]

Ron: Hey, You have reached Ron! I'm not gonna be available for a couple of days, I'm working on a pizza creation. And, um, if this is Blockbuster, I, I can't return movies I don't have. I don't know where they are.

[beep]

[door knock]

Rich: Hey. All right.

Ron: I missed you.

Rich: Yeah, Yeah, um, so listen, I just, I got your last paycheck here, so, uh...

Ron: I don't want it, man. I feel like it's the last thing from Famous Andy's I'll ever touch.

Rich: Okay, well, uh, I also need you to give me back the keys.

Ron: How's everybody doing?

Rich: You just sort of left without giving them to Bob.

Ron: I bet Wednesday through Sunday night shifts are freaking out without me.

Rich: Yeah.

Ron: It's gonna take them a while to find a replacement.

Rich: They found somebody.

Ron: Already? That was quick.

Rich: Yeah.

Ron: Probably got a lot of, you know, experience managing a corporate chain of Pizza Hut or Domino's or something.

Rich: He just got out of jail.

Ron: Yeah.

Rich: He's a felon. Um.

Ron: Probably a cook in jail.

Rich: You know what, I can't be sure, but I can't go back until I get those keys, so I just...

Ron: Rich, you can't have the keys! Because I'm gonna win the pizza creation contest and then they're gonna rehire me and I'll need them.

Rich: Ron, you cannot enter the contest.

Ron: You wanna hear my idea? It's called the Big Dog.

Rich: K.

Ron: Cause it's gonna be big, and people like dogs.

Rich: They do.

Ron: Deep dish crust. Pepperoni, sausage, Canadian ham, and hamburger.

Rich: Hey, Ron. That's a meat lover's.

Ron: What?! No it's not you idiot! What are you, a nimrod?!

Rich: Just telling you it's a meat lover's alright?

Ron: A meat lover's doesn't have hamburger on it, man. We'll walk up to Pizza Hut right now and try one if you want to.

Rich: Who's that?

Ron: It's my kid.

Rich: Why is he dressed like a wizard?

Ron: He likes wizards. I'm a cool dad.

Rich: Just give me the keys alright?!

Ron: I lost 'em, bro.

Rich: Alright. Fine.

Ron: I'll see you later, man. Tell everybody I said what's up!

Simon: And then Todd came back from the nurse's office and he brang those two Popsicle sticks. He stuck them in his teeth. And for a second, I thought he was gonna...

Ron: Hey, buddy?

Simon: Yeah?

Ron: You wanna hear about the pizza creation your dad's working on?

Simon: Sure.

Ron: Okay. You like dogs, buddy?

Simon: Yeah!

Ron: Alright that's good, cause this pizza's called the Big Dog.

Simon: You make pizzas out of dogs?

Ron: No, Simon! We don't make pizza out of dogs! Jesus! This pizza's made out of pepperoni, sausage, Canadian ham, and hamburger.

Simon: So, like a meat lover's?

Ron: No, Simon. It's not like a meat lover's. A Pizza Hut meat lover's doesn't have hamburger! Haven't you ever had a meat lover's before?

Simon: No?

Ron: You know what? Just shut up.

[music playing]

Lena: Hi, sweetie.

Simon: Bye, dad.

Ron: Later, buddy.

Lena: Why is he dressed like a wizard? I told you to stop that.

Ron: Kids love wizards.

Lena: Mm, no they don't. You love wizards.

Ron: They like Harry Potter and sh** like that.

Lena: Okay, well he's not dressed like a Harry Potter wizard. It's like a, like a Merlin wizard.

Ron: Merlin was a better wizard anyway if you ask me.

Lena: It's unhealthy.

Ron: Hey, John! What's up, man?

John: How's it going?

Ron: How's the bass? Ba, ba, bum, ba, ba, bum.

John: It's good, it's good, it's good.

Ron: Aw, cool man.

John: Just got back from, uh, California actually.

Lena: Yeah.

Ron: Oh, wow.

John: Was laying down some stuff for Sheryl Crow.

Ron: West coast.

John: Yep.

Ron: Yeah.

Lena: That's where it is. So...

John: Do you wanna come in and hear some of it?

Ron: Sure! Awesome!

John: Awesome.

Lena: Jesus Christ.

John: After you. What am I supposed to do?

Lena: Five minutes. We have that thing to get to.

[music playing]

John: Oh, working with Sheryl is amazing. She gives you full creative freedom, whatever you wanna do. She's got a beautiful studio. Blows this one out of the water.

Ron: Can I ask you a serious question?

John: Yeah, what's up?

Ron: What's your favorite kind of pizza?

John: Um, well I'm a vegetarian.

Ron: Sh**! Well, let's pretend you're not.

John: Okay.

Ron: What do you think of this bad boy? It's called the Big Dog. Deep dish crust, pepperoni, sausage, Canadian ham, and hamburger.

John: Yeah. That sounds, it sounds, sounds pretty good.

Ron: Yes! Yes! That's what I've been telling people! It's a good pizza!

John: Yeah, I mean if, if I ate meat, I would, I would definitely eat that pizza.

Ron: I keep telling people, you know? When people order pizza they don't want variety, they want consistency. You know what I mean? Like, if you like meat you want more meat.

John: Yeah.

Ron: Yeah!

John: Yeah, it's like, um, what's the one at Pizza Hut? It's like the meat lover's pizza. I mean same kind of, same philosophy behind the thing that you want one thing a lot of it, right? I mean obviously yours is probably different somehow from it, I don't know. I don't. Is it different? Ron?

Ron: Ahh!

Simon: It's like a meat lover's.

Rich: What's the one at Pizza Hut? It's like the meat lover's pizza.

John: It's a meat lover's.

Simon: So, it's like a meat lover's.

Rich: So it's a meat lover's pizza.

Simon: It's a meat lover's.

Ron: It's called the Big Dog. It's a good pizza. Why won't anyone listen to me?

Evil Ron: Shut up, Ron! You're stupid! It's just like a meat lover's.

Ron: No it's not! You're stupid! You're like a meat lover's!

Evil Ron: You're a failure, Ron. And you're never gonna have garlic dipping sauce again!

Ron: I'll have garlic dipping sauce again! I'm gonna float down a river of garlic dipping sauce!

Evil Ron: No! No!

Ron: I am the Big Dog!

Evil Ron: No! No!

Ron: Arf! Arf! Woof!

Evil Ron: Noooo!

Announcer: And so a pizza like no other was born. Forged in the bowels of Hell, assembled by the hands of a madman, and delivered on the wings of a demon. Pepperoni, sausage, Canadian ham, and hamburger. Their coalescence the Big Dog.

Bob: Holy sh**. Ron, you're not supposed to be here.

Ron: It's called the Big Dog.

Bob: Wh-wh-what's the big dog?

Ron: My pizza. For the contest. The Big Dog.

Bob: Oh, Ron. You can't enter the contest.

Ron: Try the Big Dog, Bob.

Bob: Look, I think you...

Ron: Try the fu**ing Big Dog, Bob!

Bob: Alright! I'll try the Big Dog. Jesus Christ. Why does it look so weird?

Ron: There's something wrong with my oven.

Bob: Pretty good. It's got hamburger.

Ron: Yeah.

Bob: I like it.

Ron: Thanks, Bob.

Bob: It's really good.

Ron: So, uh, I'm rehired?

Ron: No! No! Famous Andy's! I need you! No! I wanna make them the pizzas! I wanna take them the pizzas! Rich, you're my best friend! Famous Andy's, no! Who am I?!

Bob: Well, uh, BTW.

[police radio sounds]

Police Officer: Watch your head.

[police radio sounds and music playing]