After realizing that I'd be the best possible speaker at my funeral I decided to make that happen.

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March 27, 2011


And now, the eulogy of Daniel Newell, as performed by Daniel Newell. Would everyone rise onto one foot? Thank you, remain standing.


If you're watching this, I'm no longer with you. You have my sincerest sympathy. I've either died or successfully faked my own death. Either way, I got away with never paying back any of my student loans. I would just like to take this moment to congratulate myself on that. A few items of business before we get to the fun part of my eulogy: You didn't have me embalmed, did you? No! I wasn't actually dead! I took a powerful sedative! Um... erase that part if I was grossly disfigured in the way I died. Ew.


Hopefully you have honored my wishes for there to be a mix up about whether or not I wanted to be cremated. Why...why does it seem like cremated should mean that a body is turned into cream?


I'm dead. But don't worry, I'm in a better place now. Right now, I mean. As I'm recording this, I'm in the past, in my room, where I'm still alive. now I'd just like to observe a moment of silence for myself.

To my beautiful wife _____. I want you to be happy. Hopefully during our many years together you saved up all the spare happiness, like the wise ant, and not like the horrible spitting grasshopper, because I want you to be happy, and single. Please, never remarry. If you do, I will haunt you at all the most inopportune times.

  And... the treasure. This video also serves as the first clue in the scavenger find the treasure I stole from online musical pirates. Your first clue: This clue has always been close to my own heart.

Now a reading from the Humor journal. Feel free to follow along with me if you like. “And Rodgey did say, ye, Dan, go into the yard, and bring me the weakest kitten, for I shall feed it poison mushrooms.”


Please tend the Japanese anime garden out back when I'm gone.


IF I was cremated, will you take my ashes, and blow them out…into the faces of the protestors from the  Westboro Baptist Church?If the Westboro Baptist Church isn't picketing this funeral, then I instruct you to go picket them. Wherever they are.


My last request: Avenge me! Even if I wasn't killed by someone or some thing. Walk up to someone on the street and slap them. Squirt monkeys at the zoo with waterguns. Write threatening letters to your state and local legislatures.
 I need to come clean about some things. 1. For years I've merely rinsed my hands instead of washing them. 2. I'm not actually racist. My membership in the clan was sarcastic. 3. This relates back to thing number 2, I want to apologize, whole-heartedly, for my insensitive mispronounciation of the name of the country .

 Seriously, I want to tell you guy that, I had a really good time.

I think the only way to end a self eulogy is a striptease.