Fred Poor fellow
Ted All knowing
Chip Husband in need of a change
Carol Reason for husband’s need
Zach Member: Red Sox Nation
Joe Stinking Yankees fan
Dawn Correct girlfriend
Mark Incorrect boyfriend
(Fred with bow and arrow)
Fred Damn it! Damn!
Ted What’s the matter Fred?
Fred This clumsy bow and arrow! I can’t get a shot off before those kids run away. I wish someone would make a product I could use that would fit this bill I have described.
Ted They have Fred!
Ted Yes , it’s called Gun and it’s just what you need! Watch!
Ted Hey you kids! Stop listening to frightening modern music and smoking marijuana and what not.
Kid Or what?
(pulls out gun- Blam, blam, blam-scream)
Ted Thanks Gun!
Fred But Ted, isn’t that murder?
Ted Yup. So what? (pause) And here’s another use for Gun.
Chip Carol, our marriage is not working out as I had expected.
Carol Well, Chip, I have my own life. I won’t live in your shadow anymore.
Chip Then you won’t live. Thanks Gun!
Fred So you can use it to settle disputes, can you?
Ted Of course.
Zach Red Sox!
Zach Red Sox!
Zach Red -
CUT (Apartment living room)
Dawn Higher it is!
Fred Now hold on Ted. “GUN” is so much fun. Won’t the “government” take gun away from me?
Ted Not as long as the U.S. Constitution is in effect. Thank god for archaic language.
Fred Thanks god! Ted, can I use Gun to end my own meaningless existence?
Ted No! That’s suicide and we, society, churches, and I, would rather you suffer, in silence, until your pain naturally comes to an end.
Fred (crestfallen) Oh.
Ted Only kidding. Blow your brains out!
Fred All right! Gun: I’m sure glad I found you!