Black Friday Thanksgiving

Actor

Teri Hatcher

Actor

Tom Arnold

Writer/Director

Erin Gibson

Executive Producer

Funny Or Die

DP

kevinstewart

Sound

BoTown Sound

Additional Credits [+]

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INT. FAMILY DINING ROOM

A family, kids, grandparents, dad all sit around a pristine
all-American Thanksgiving day spread. REBECCA, dressed in
combat fatigues and an apron, walks in, purposeful, proud,
holding a perfectly cooked turkey. Patriotic music plays
underneath the scene.

REBECCA
Good evening. In less than an hour,
I will be joining other women from
around town, and we will be
participating in the earliest Black
Friday in the history of mankind.
Mankind, that word should have new
meaning for all of us today.

Music cuts out

NATE
Is this the monologue from
“Independence Day?”

REBECCA
Yes, Nate. Parts of it.

Music cuts in

REBECCA (CONT’D)
I don’t have the luxury of enjoying
a simple Thanksgiving dinner with
my family. Not anymore. It’s not
enough for me to make a full
Thanksgiving spread, enjoy it with
the people I love, then fall asleep
watching “Scrooged”.

Music cuts out

NATE
That sounds like a wonderful
evening.

Music cuts in

REBECCA
No. Duty calls me to Target, where
I’ll be punching other women in the
face, women I’ve probably taken
yoga with, all for a chance to buy
the last eighty nine dollar Wii.

Toby, an adorable four year old chimes in.

Music cuts out.

TOBY
Mommy, I don’t need a Wii.

REBECCA
You say that now, but on Christmas
Day, if you don’t have that Wii,
you’ll unleash a tornado of ange
on all of us.

TOBY
You’re right.

NATE
I think you’re over-reacting,
Rebecca.

REBECCA
And how many Black Friday’s have
you participated in?

NATE
None. Wait. No none.

(Tom also did a Memorial Day rant that might be funny here)

Music cuts in.

REBECCA
Then you don’t know what it's like
to sit in the electronics
department of a Wal-Mart, holding a
woman in your arms, a woman so
beaten and bruised she’s begging
you to break her neck to end he
suffering.

NATE
That never happened.

REBECCA
It could. I'm prepared for that.

TOBY
Daddy, will mommy go to jail?

(Tom did a funny thing where he mouthed “I hope so”)

REBECCA
All laws are suspended on Black
Friday. It’s as if retail stores
become Thunderdome for a day.

BROOKLYN
Can I have Brave and Madagasca
Three? It comes with a rainbow wig.

She also did an improvised bit about a clown wig and making
her brother wear it - if it works it would look like this:

BROOKLYN (CONT’D)
I’m gonna make Nate wear it!

GRANDPA
Never trust a clown.

GRANDMA
A clown stole money from me once.

NATE
I don’t want to wear a clown wig!

Then Brooklyn does a long there where she claps and smiles.
It might not work and might be a long walk.

NATE (CONT’D)
Brooklyn, please.

REBECCA
No, at least she has the balls to
be honest. Sweetheart, if it means
ripping out the heart of anothe
woman or even child, I’ll get you
those DVD’s.

Yay!

REBECCA
You’ll all get everything you want.
Nate, you’ll get your Mr. Beer Home
Brewing set. Dad, I know you want
that Magellan Road Mate and mom, I
have a direct route right to the
Jaclyn Smith jewelry.

BROOKLYN

GRANDMA
No one makes a teardrop necklace
like Jaclyn Smith.

REBECCA
That’s right mom. What will you do
if you didn’t get that teardrop
necklace?

GRANDMA
I’d run away.

Music cuts in.

REBECCA
That’s right. You would. But, I
won’t let that happen. I actually
pity those poor women I’m going up
against, by God, I do. I’m not just
going to rip portable DVD players
out of their hands; I’m going to
going to cut out their living guts
and use them to grease the treads
of my Honda CRV.

GRANDPA
This is from “Patton.”

REBECCA
You bet your old, wrinkly ass it’s
from Patton...

Music cuts out.

REBECCA (CONT’D)
...which I’m buying for you on Blue-
Ray.

GRANDPA
Yeah! A true soldier.

He salutes her.

Music cuts in.

REBECCA
Thirty years from now when I’m
sitting around the fireside with my
grandson on my knee, and he asks
me: "What did you do during the
earliest Black Friday?" I won't
have to say, "Well, had a lovely
Thanksgiving with my family. "

They all clap. She rips off a leg of turkey, rips off he
apron and grabs a rifle from under the table.

Music cuts out.

NATE

IPad mini!