Starring Tom Lennon, Craig Robinson, Rob Huebel, Kate Walsh, Ben Garant, Seth Morris and Chad Carter Written by Thomas Lennon Directed & Edited by Justin Donaldson G&E Brian Lane G&E David Cronin Composer: Mike Farrell Make up by Shauna Ballantine O'Toole Produced by Lauren Palmigiano Production Assistant Sam Varela Special Thanks David Lincoln
Craig Robinson: North Korea wants us to have gays in our military. So, it'll be more gay. When it's go time, I don't wanna be down in a submarine caught in the middle of a gay sex daisy chain.
Craig Robinson: Cause while I'm being the lucky Pierre, you all will wake up and we speak North Korean?!
Craig Robinson: Do you want that? For your children to bow down to their North Korean overlords and have to speak North Korean?
Craig Robinson: Then keep the gays out! Just because somebody loves this country and wants to defend it proudly, does that mean that they should?
Rob Huebel: Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking hey, that's crazy to keep someone out of the military because of what they do in the bedroom?
Rob Huebel: Well, let me tell you something, you left wing gay lovers! You probably think that's like keeping me, a straight American, out of the military, just cause I like to dress up in a latex clown outfit and tickle my bing bong with a squeaky toy.
Rob Huebel: The point is, a person's sexual preferences should have no bearing on how well they can serve this country.
Woman Off Camera: Except for gays and lesbians?
Rob Huebel: Except for gays and lesbians.
Kate Walsh: Look at me! This! And These! I mean, if you could see what's happening below, believe me it'll blow your mind.
Kate Walsh: You won't wanna put me in some kind of group, you know, shower scenario with a bunch of Army lesbos.
Kate Walsh: And you know what? They're gonna be clawing all over each other to break off a piece of this.
Kate Walsh: And that's when Russia is gonna get the drop on us. When I'm in the middle of some hot, lesbo, Army shower action, so you keep your laws. Okay? And your hot Army lesbians off of my body.
Robert Ben Garant: God does not care if you are qualified for the Armed Forces, because the good book says that bein' gay is a sin.
Robert Ben Garant: It also says that eatin' shrimp is a sin, and wearin' gold is a sin, and touchin' pig skin is a sin, which technically means that football is a sin.
Robert Ben Garant: But, we don't care about those other ones because we hate gays.
Thomas Lennon: Dude, it's simple math. You let gays in the military, they're gonna turn all of the other soldiers gay.
Thomas Lennon: I know. I worked with a gay dude once, and now, I wear sleeveless flannels and ask for spots at the gym even when I don't need it.
Chad Carter: In theory, I'm in favor of gays in the military. I just wanna make sure we're answering all the questions we have to be answering.
Chad Carter: Will gay operators affect our U-boat ping machines? I'm not sure, if I was a soldier, if I would want to get into one of our war zeppelins with a gay pilot.
Chad Carter: There. I said it.
Seth Morris: I don't want gays serving me, and I will get in the face of any gay and tell that to them.
Seth Morris: I don't care! I'll walk into The Castro, or West Hollywood, or Christopher Street, and I'll say gay, I don't want you serving me.
Seth Morris: I'll bring a couple guys with me for backup, cause these gays are in good shape. They take care of their bodies, you know?
Robert Ben Garant: [Yelling] You stay out of the Armed Forces, and we'll stay out of the National Touring Company of Wicked!
Seth Morris: No, I didn't ever actually serve this country because I have allergies and foot problems, but, I know who I don't want serving this country.