Gears of War 3: Careful What You Wish For
On this week's "Sticks And Buttons" Toby shows you how to beat the game 'Nioh' using the power of God.
- September 15, 2017
- 200k Views
Director / VFX: Andy Maxwell
Writer / Actor: Jon Millstein
DP: Matt Sweeney
Gaffer: Eddy Scully
Sound: Darren Augustus
Art: MacKenzie Stetzler
Churchgoers: Darren Miller, Pat O'Brien, Alison Mobley
Executive Producer: Darren Miller
September 15, 2017
- What's up internet,
I'm Toby Cooper, and you're watching Sticks and Buttons.
Today, we're going to be playing Nioh,
an action RPG I can only describe
as a slash-tastic bowl of awesomeness.
This game's bosses are as tough as Samurai leather.
So to defeat them, we're going to use
an unconventional strategy.
Using the power of the Lord our God.
Okay, so like a lot of you, Nioh's Umi-Bozu boss
left me lunging for the reset button.
This slippery sea-beast seemed
to predict my every move.
While my great sword bounced off his back
like a crusty old pool noodle.
That's when I tried a new strategy.
("Veni Sanctus Spiritus")
God, I need to beat Nioh.
I visited my local church, and prayed
at the feet of our Lord Jesus Christ
for upwards of three hours.
Christ died for our sins,
and I have died countless times
at the hands of Umi-Bozu.
I asked him in his infinite wisdom
to transfer his power into my Nioh avatar,
William Adams, the famous Samurai
if only for an afternoon.
The Priest offered me the sacrament,
which I gladly accepted.
When I got back to my PS4 I reduced Umi-Bozu
to ashes in a matter of slashes.
Boss Mode engaged.
And that's how you defeat Umi-Bozu
from the video game Nioh.
But if you thought Umi was tough,
he's nothing next to Saika Magoichi.
A high flying baddie who will turn your
pool noodle great sword
into pool noodle potpourri.
My battle against Saika was a tough one.
After months of devoted prayer,
volunteering at church, and even trying Judaism,
I couldn't get his health bar to budge.
And my faith in God
was fading fast.
I got on my knees,
screamed at the top of my lungs,
"You of infinite power sit idle
while I struggle against gaming's toughest bosses.
And still you expect me to spread your gospel?"
My God is dead.
I have no God.
I gave my Bible one final kiss
before dumping it in the frigging' trash can
and then returned to my PS4 with head hung low.
But when I turned it on something
magical had happened.
Not only did Saika lie wasted on the ground
but I'd also been cured of the debilitating stutter
I'd struggled with all my life.
God works in mysterious ways, folks.
And so do video games.
Our final baddie is Okatsu, a boss so tough
she must pray to her own god in the game world
seven or eight times a day.
For Okatsu, you actually won't need God.
A better strategy is to corner her
and spam her with alternating quick and heavy sword attacks.
But afterwards, you should still write God a letter
thanking Him for your favorite video games of all time.
Turns out, God isn't just the guy
who brings you presents on Christmas.
He can also be an asset when it comes to video games.
Check back next week on Sticks and Buttons
where I'll share my theory
on why Crash Bandicoot is going to Hell.
Until then, I'll be playing the greatest game of all:
the game of praising the Lord.
(church organ music)