Mama Mona’s Corner (Episode 1)

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Kevin B. Burk

Welcome, my dears, to Mama Mona’s Corner. I’m Mama Mona,
internationally recognized Life Guru. I’m so glad you stopped by.

[Caption: Mama Mona is under investigation in six countries.]

You might be wondering why you need Mama Mona to be you
life guru. Well, have you looked at your life lately? Are you completely happy?
Of course you’re not! You’ve spent your whole life looking for happiness, and
you still haven’t found it. You keep telling yourself that if you only had more
money, or more success, or a better relationship, or if you could just lose
that last 10 pounds, then you’d be
happy.

That’s why you need Mama Mona.

If you want to become rich, successful, famous and beautiful
so you can finally be happy, what you need is a Fairy Godmother, not Mama Mona.
If Mama Mona could make you rich and successful and famous and happy, this
would be Mama Mona’s Mansion, not
Mama Mona’s Corner.

Mama Mona doesn’t do happy. Mama Mona helps you to deal with
reality. And the reality is that your life is pretty miserable—and it’s
probably going to stay that way. But Mama Mona can help you to feel bette
about that. That’s why my slogan is Your Life: Bearable.

[Caption: Your Life. Bearable.]

Here’s a taste of what Mama Mona can do for you.

No matter how hard you work, you can never get ahead. You
try, and you try, and you just can’t catch a break. It’s not fair! But you know
what—it’s not your fault. How can
you expect to succeed in this economy? Considering how awful things are in the
world, you’re doing remarkably well. Isn’t it time that you got some credit fo
that? It’s not your fault that you
can’t succeed, and it’s not your fault
that you’re not happy.

There, now. Doesn’t that feel wonderful? Feel how all of the
stress and tension and responsibility just drains away? That’s what Mamma Mona
can do for you.

There’s no need to thank me. The first one’s always free. I
know you’ll be back for more.

You can keep blaming the economy for your problems, but you
won’t get the same rush as you did the first time. Mama Mona will help you to
make it more personal.

Sure, the economy is a factor, but the real reason that
you’re so unhappy is because of all of the awful things that happened to you as
a child. Your parents never loved you the way you deserved to be loved. You
didn’t get the things that you wanted growing up, and because of that, you’re
tragically wounded today. It’s not your fault that you’re miserable—it’s your family’s fault. You were just a
helpless, innocent victim.

But, Mama Mona (I hear you ask), what if I had a happy
childhood? Don’t worry. Mama Mona can fix that. You only think you had a happy childhood, because you’ve repressed the
memories of the pain and suffering. With Mama Mona’s help, you’ll turn those
old scars into fresh wounds.

You don’t have to keep the pain inside anymore. You can let
it all out, because Mama Mona is here to make it all better for you.

Just a few sessions with Mama Mona, and you’ll be on you
way to a massive breakdown—I mean breakthrough.
Mama Mona will help you get in touch with your pain—and when you do, your life
will really start to change.

You’ll get to embrace the reality that you are a victim. And
because you’re a victim, you’re entitled to special treatment. You get to start
putting your needs ahead of everyone else’s. And best of all, you can start to
demand that the people in your life give you the attention and respect that you
deserve. You’re in pain, and that makes you the most important person in the
room.

Now, some people in your life might not like this new and
improved you, but that’s because they don’t love you like Mama Mona does. You
may discover that even your closest friends are actually toxic, negative
influences. Don’t worry—Mama Mona will always be here to support you, and take
your side. If the people in your life can’t accept the fact that you’re right
and they’re wrong, you don’t need them in your life anymore. But that’s a good thing. The fewer people you have in
your life, the more time you have to spend with Mama Mona.

Don’t worry about how much this will cost. Mama Mona works
on a sliding scale. Every time you tell your story, and complain, and blame
other people for your problems, Mama Mona gets to siphon off some of you
energy. That’s why it’s so important to keep all of your wounds fresh. You get
to feel the blissful rush of Mama Mona’s sympathy, and Mama Mona gets to steal
your energy, your power, and your happiness.

Once you start, you’ll never be able to stop. Your stories
will keep getting bigger and more painful, and you’ll need more and more
sympathy to take away the pain. Eventually, I’ll have all of your money,
energy, and power, and then I’ll be
happy.

You won’t be
happy, of course. But, then again, you’ve never been happy before, so you won’t
know what you’re missing. When you work with Mama Mona, you don’t get to be
happy—but you do get to be right,
and isn’t that almost as good?

And the best part is, you don’t even have to book an
appointment. All you have to do is start telling your story, and no matte
where you are, Mama Mona will find you.

See you soon…