I'm a troll!
Naw, really anyways...
Thank you all for tunin' in
to another Loretta Jenkins'
How I Seize It.
In case none of y'all ain't noticed,
I changed up my appearance
just a little bit today to make a point,
cause I'm gonna be dishin' out
some gossip another celebrity and naw,
it ain't Lindsay Lohan, although
that bitch do deserve a sequel.
Let's get down to business,
cause you don't never know
what kind of life expectancy
of these spoiled mother fuckers is gonna be.
Now this train wreck dick fuck Charlie Sheen..
Now, if somebody is willin' to give you $2 million a week,
then you better do what the fuck they say to do,
especially if you ain't got no real talent to begin with.
This fucker don't need no rehab.
What he needs is old daddy Martin
to come out with a belt
and whoop-ass some sense into him
That's what I think!
Apparently, Charlie done got him an endorsement
from Viagra somewhere along the way,
cause he ain't never dated nothin'
but porn stars and hookers,
and now he's done shacked up with not one
but at least two of these 'Whore Goddesses.'
He might be into that Scientological-Mormon shit
and got him a whole harem full of wives
shacked up in some bunker somewhere.
Charlie, for reals...
...who the fuck is doin' cocaine anymore?
This ain't 1985!
Shit...I didn't even know they was still makin' cocaines no more.
I mean, I done it a couple or twenty times
back in like the 8th grade
but I didn't really care for it
cause it made my liquo
taste like dirty scissors.
I mean Charlie,
you ain't no Jimi Hendrix
or Marilyn Monroe...
If you drop dead tomorrow,
ain't narry a person gonna give a shit.
He all like,
"I ain't on drugs.
I freed myself with my thoughts.
I'm a Vatican assassin!"
Well lemme fact check you on somethin' y'all.
I mean, if somebody's all rantin' on
about unrelated shit
and they got like about thirty bags up under they eyes
cause they ain't slept for about two weeks,
and they hair all jacked up to Jesus
and they all fidgety,
and bug-eyed and everything,
and they talkin' about shit like-
Oh shit, what was that?
It was like,
"This dog's soul is inhabited by the ghost of Betty
and it will murder people
and it will eat trolls with its razor sharp fangs
and it will drop they spleens off
at they children's tiny little houses!"
Shit, this bitch is either cracked out,
I don't know...
Y'all seen that video of him
drinkin' that tiger blood and
wavin' that big Africa knife around?
Well, I am sorry to report
that the dumb son of a bitch didn't fall on it
and save us from more of his bullshit antics.
If Charlie Sheen can call himself an 'evolved being,'
than I am mother fuckin' sober!
common sense will tell you that
you can't talk shit about your boss on TV
and then get all surprised when you get a pink slip!
You better hope Big Lots starts sellin' crack.
People all tellin' me that
me and Charlie be a good couple,
and to y'all I say,
Shit, he all old now.
He ain't even barely hots no more.
Shit, you ain't nothin' but a washed up drunk,
spittin' out nonsensible hullabaloo,
wantin' the world to turn around and take notice of you
and if you think that's me...
Well shit, you can just suck my left twat!
I think they ought to go on and continue on
with that Two Halfs Mens just to piss him off.
Naw, come to think of it,
that was a shit show to begin with
they ought to just cancel it
and leave that sumbitch broke and miserable.
The world will be a better place
once we get rid of all these
Now that's How I Seize It.
You say one more bad thing up at Ducky
and I will personally come
and machete your dick off!
How's THAT for a manifesto?