Paul Schneider, Steve Agee, Ben Hoffman, Derek Waters and J.D. Ryznar Filmed, Edited, and Directed by Jeremy Konner Created by Derek Waters Make up by Tara Loren Special Thanks to Eric Binns, Nick Monsour, Mark Schoenecker, David Lyons, Robin McCauley and Chris Masterson.
J.D. Ryznar: I’m gonna tell you the story of William Henry Harrison.
Shot cuts to an image of William Henry Harrison
J. D. Ryznar (voiceover): He was the ninth President of the United
States. He was the president who had the shortest term of any
President. It was less than a month.
The shot cuts to Paul Schneider dressed as William Henry Harrison. Paul
Schneider is in an office celebrating his victory with some lackeys,
including Derek Waters.
J.D. Ryznar (voiceover): He’s an aristocrat. Grew up in Virginia: in a
fancy mansion. If you can find a picture online you should show it.
The shot cuts to an online picture of the mansion. Shot then cuts to Paul Schneider in
J.D. Ryznar (voiceover): William Henry Harrison was sixty eight years old. Sixty eight back then…
Shot cuts to J. D. Ryznar on the couch.
J.D. Ryznar: …was like the age expectancy of a man born his age was
forty, and the and so it would be like a hundred and ten years old.
Shot cuts to Paul Schneider playing chess with Derek Waters.
J.D. Ryznar (voiceover) And he was like, I’m not going to wear a coat
to my inauguration because I need to show the American people I’m a
Shot cuts to Paul Schneider addressing a crowd.
J.D. Ryznar (voiceover): So he got went up there and he fucking spoke
for a like an hour and forty five minutes with no microphone shouting
at the top of his long in snow and rain with no coat on. Cold as shit.
Shot cuts to Paul Schneider inside, soaked through.
J.D. Ryznar (voiceover) And he was sixty eight years old and it
weakened him. Maybe I should have worn a coat or had an umbrella ove
my head during my inauguration. I don’t feel so good at sixty eight
The sound of a cell phone ringer is heard. The shot cuts to J.D. Ryznar on a couch answering his cell phone.
J.D. Ryznar: Hello. I drank…I drank a lot of booze, Ma. Vodka and beer. Happy Mother’s day.
Shot cuts to Paul Schneider carrying a basket and Derek Waters trying to hand him a coat and hat.
J.D. Ryznar (voiceover): He was an old fashioned dude. He was like,
this, I’m gonna do all the grocery shopping for the White House myself.
The shot cuts to Paul Schneider shopping for vegetables at an outdoor market.
J.D. Ryznar (voiceover): He went out one day in late March. It was cold
and windy in Washington D.C. and he bought all the groceries for the
White House and he caught pneumonia.
The shot cuts to Paul Schneider in bed looking ill and being attended by Derek Waters.
J.D. Ryznar (voiceover): And he got really sick.
There is a long pause and then the sound of someone vomiting can be
heard. Paul Schneider looks uncomfortable and Derek Waters stares at
the camera. The shot cuts to J.D. Ryznar sitting cross legged in front
of a toilet.
J.D. Ryznar: William Henry Harrison, God bless him.
The shot cuts back to Paul Schneider being attended by Derek Waters.
J.D. Ryznar (voiceover): He’s been President for less than thirty days
and he gets sick as shit. Super-pneumonia. The doctors come by and
their like 1840’s doctors. They don’t know anything!
Steve Agee and Ben Hoffman come into the room where Paul Schneider is in bed. They are dressed as doctors.
J.D. Ryznar (voiceover): They don’t even know about antibiotics yet.
They’re like, hey, William Henry Harrison, here’s some leaches. Put
leaches on you. Here’s some snakes. They did this. They were like, let
these snakes bite you for a little bit and these snakes will make you
all better from pneumonia.
Steve Agee and Ben Hoffman put leaches and snakes on Paul Schneider.
J.D. Ryznar (voiceover): So William Henry Harrison is lying there dying and the doctors are throwing snakes and leaches on him.
Shot cuts to J.D. Ryznar sitting on the couch.
J.D. Ryznar: Sucking his blood.
Shot cuts back to Paul Schneider lying in bed covered in leaches and snakes.
J.D. Ryznar: And he died.
Shot cuts to J.D. Ryznar sitting on the couch.
J.D. Ryznar: The guy was President for so little time, it’s crazy. Less
than thirty days. That crazy little Montana President.
Shot cuts to Paul Schneider lying in bed covered in leaches and snakes.
J.D. Ryznar (voiceover): Last words that William Henry Harrison said to
the doctors was like, he said like, make sure the government runs good.
Makes sure the government runs good. And that’s the end.
The shot cuts back to J.D. Ryznar sitting on the couch.
J.D. Ryznar: So the lesson, the big lesson to be learned from William
Henry Harrison’s death is don’t elect an old dude for President.
The end credits roll
Directed by Jeremy Konner
And J.D. Ryznar
J.D. Ryznar: Drink a lot of, drink a lot of booze to give you guys an entertaining show.