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It's Bryan's birthday! And Erin got him just what he wanted - a picture of a cat... more »
Published July 29, 2014 43k views More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Starring Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Written by Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Producer: Ross Buran
Producer: Ben Sheehan
Camera Op: Cristina Dunlap
Editor: Ian Skalski
Camera Op: Matt Sweeney
Art: Tricia Robertson
Follow Erin & Bryan on Twitter
Erin:
http://www.twitter.com/gibblertron
Bryan:
http://www.twitter.com/bryansafi
810 Funny Votes
288 Die Votes
42,955 Views
Published July 29, 2014


> (ERIN): THIS IS
(ERIN AND BRYAN TOGETHER):
THROWING SHADE.

> (BRYAN):
WHERE FEMINASTY ERIN GIBSON,

> (ERIN):
AND HOMOSENSUAL BRYAN SAFI,

> (BRYAN):
TAKE A LOOK AT THE
HEADLINES AND POLITICS,

> (ERIN):
AND POP CULTURE,

> (BRYAN):
AND TREAT THEM WITH MUCH
LESS RESPECT THAN THEY DESERVE.
(ERIN):
CAN YOU HANDLE IT?

> HAPPY BIRTHDAY IN A
COUPLE OF DAYS.

> THANK YOU.

> IN TWO DAYS, ALL MY
DREAMS WILL COME TRUE.

> I AM SO--
I FEEL SO BAD FOR YOUR
MOM GIVING BIRTH
IN JULY.

> AT THE END OF JULY
IS WHEN SHE DECIDED
TO GIVE BIRTH.

> GOD AND YOU'RE--

> THAT'S WHEN SHE DECIDED.

> DID SHE CALL YOU A HOT
POTATO WHEN YOU CAME OUT?

> SHE SAID SHE REALLY DIDN'T
REMEMBER IT, BECAUSE MY
BROTHER WAS NATURAL BIRTH,

> UH-HUH...

> I THINK THIS IS HOW IT WENT...
I MEAN, SHE WAS LIKE
DRUGGED UP FOR MINE.
SO SHE WAS LIKE IT
JUST HAPPENED. I DON'T KNOW I WAS--
SHE WAS LIKE OUT SHOPPING.

> WHAT?

> YEAH, AND SHE WAS LIKE, "UH-OH",
AND THEN LIKE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL.

> WHERE WAS SHE, T.J. MAXX?

> I NEVER ASKED HER WHAT
STORE IT WAS, BECAUSE THAT
COULD'VE MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE
RATHER I WAS A
NEIMAN'S BABY, OR...

> OR A
TUESDAY MORNING'S BABY.

> OR A TUESDAY MORNING'S BABY.
WE'LL NEVER KNOW, UNTIL I ASK.

> DOES SHE REMEMBER
BEING PREGNANT?

> I THINK SO, I MEAN
BECAUSE IT LASTS LIKE
A FEW WEEKS, AND
MONTHS, OR WHATEVER.

> YEAH, IT'S A COUPLE
OF WEEKS, AND THEN
YOU HAVE A BABY.

> YEAH-YEAH...

> YOU HAVE VERY
LITTLE TIME TO PREPARE.

> WELL MY MOM--
ACTUALLY MY MOM WAS PREGNANT
WITH ME FOR ABOUT 12 YEARS.

> DID YOU HAVE TO
CRACK OUT OF A STONE--

> I DID, YEP.

> YEAH. YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT
REAL THING RIGHT, STONE BABIES?

> NO.

> STONE BABIES ARE WHEN
YOU HAVE A PREGNANCY
THAT'S SOMETIMES IS
OUTSIDE OF THE UTERUS.
THE BABY
CAN'T REALLY SURVIVE,
AND YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW THAT
YOU'RE PREGNANT,
BUT IT WILL BE FULL LIKE A FETUS,
AND YOUR BODY'S LIKE,
"OH GOD, WE HAVE A FOREIGN OBJECT."
SO IT STARTS PUTTING CALCIUM
LAYERS OVER THE BABY.

> UH-HUH.

> IT DOESN'T HAPPEN WHEN
YOU HAVE ULTRASOUNDS,
OR ANY KIND OF PRENATAL CARE,
ANYBODY WHO GOES TO A DOCTOR,
BUT A LOT OF 3RD WORLD COUNTRIES,
LIKE 70 YEAR OLD
WOMAN WILL BE LIKE,
"MY STOMACH HURTS.",
AND THEN
THEY'LL DO AN ULTRASOUND,
AND THEN THEY'LL BE LIKE,
A FUCKING 40 YEAR OLD
DEAD BABY IN THEIR STOMACH.

> WELL I CAN BEAT THAT.

> WHAT?

> I HAVE A CRICK IN MY NECK.

> SEE-- YEAH.
OK, WELL HERE'S YOUR
BIRTHDAY CARD.

> OH THANKS.

> THAT'S A PICTURE OF YOU.

> AT COACHELLA.

> WITH MONEY, DOLLAR SIGN TEETH--

> OH COOL, I'M ALL ABOUT--
AND THERE'S ALSO ONE
LONG FEATHER EARRING.

> YEAH.

> AND I'M SCREAMING
COACHELLA!
OH IT'S A CAT SMOKING
A CIGARETTE. OH MY GOD...
AH, HELL, I GOT 9 LIVES.
I CAN SPARE A FEW.

> YEAH.

> THAT'S MY PHILOSOPHY--
RISK TAKING,
LIVING ON THE EDGE.

> DO YOU THINK THAT
CAT IS ACTUALLY
SMOKING A CIGARETTE?

> YES.

> OK.

> IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY.
DO STUFF YOU'RE
NOT SUPPOSED TO DO. OH--

> AND I LISTED SOME.

> YOU LISTED SOME THINGS
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO DO.
NUMBER 1, ROB JULIA
ROBERT'S MAIN CABIN.

> MAINE. M-A-I-N-E.

> OH, THE STATE OF MAINE.

> YEAH.

> IT MIGHT BE WORTH ROBBING
HER JUST SO YOU HAVE THAT
ALLITERATION IN THE HEADLINE.

> OH YEAH, I LIKE IT.

> ROBERT'S ROBBED.
, TELL LIES TO THE BANK.
I ALREADY DO. I ALREADY--
YOU KNOW ME.

> YEAH.

> I GO IN AND I SAY,
"DIAMONDS FIRST. CAN'T
KEEP EVERYTHING AT THE BANK.
I KEEP IT AT MY HOME THOUGH.
AND I ONLY KEEP A FEW
THOUSAND DOLLARS IN THIS BANK,
AND HUNDREDS OF
MILLIONS ELSEWHERE.

> OH, THAT'S
THE LYING PART, YEAH.

> YEAH.

> I'M OVERDRAWN. HA-HA. THAT'S WHAT UM, MY DEAR FRIEND--
WALT DISNEY SAID TO MICKEY MOUSE.

> THERE'S
A 3RD THING.

> NUMBER 3,
PUT COCAINE UP DERRICK'S
PEE HOLE AND LICK IT OUT.
WELL, THAT'S JUST, SWEET.

> YEAH. JUST LIKE DO SOME
CLASSY STUFF ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.

> YEAH.

> AND THEN THE WHOLE
CREW SIGNED IT.

> I WILL. VERY SWEET.
BRY-GUY, MR. KEYS...
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

> WELL HOLD ON,
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU.

> OH YOU DO?

> YEAH.

> I THOUGHT THAT WAS
APART OF YOUR T-SHIRT.
THIS WAS A YEAR IN THE MAKING.
THIS OK.

> UH-OH. I'M ALREADY GOING TO LOVE IT.
TOOTSIE.

> WAIT, I HAVE A QUESTION.
DID YOUR
RECORD PLAYER GET FIXED?

> NO, BUT IT WILL BE.

> OK.

> I NEED TO GET IT FIXED.

> YOU GOT TO GET IT
FIXED JUST FOR THESE.

> THE ORIGINAL
MOTION PICTURE SOUNDTRACK. WHAT WERE THE SONGS IN TOOTSIE?

> I DON'T REMEMBER.

> WHO'S THAT GIRL. I THINK
HONESTLY THE WORSE
MOVIE EVER MADE.

> (laughs)

> LIKE AT LEAST THE WORSE
MOVIE IN THE PAST 30 OR 40 YEARS.

> BUT DIDN'T YOU HAVE A BABYSITTER
WHO TOOK YOU TO SEE THIS?

> YES, AND I HAVE THE POSTER.

> YEAH, I KNOW.

> OH MY GOD, GUESS WHAT THE LAST SONG
ON HERE IS CALLED?
SO SO BAD.

> (laughs)

> ANNIE GET YOUR GUN.
THE ORIGINAL MGM SOUNDTRACK.
DO YOU KNOW THAT I SAW
THIS WITH, WAS IT REBA MCEN-WHAT?
NO--

> MCENTIRE?

> YES. BUT IT WASN'T.
IT WAS BERNADETTE PETERS I SAW
THIS WITH MY MOM. AND MY MOM GOES,
"I THINK SHE'S ONE OF THE
FINEST ACTRESSES OF THE STAGE."
BERNADETTE PETERS

> OK.

> AND I WAS LIKE,
ALRIGHT, CALM DOWN.

> WELL SO, I
DIDN'T MEAN TO GET YOU
SOMETHING THAT YOU SAW WITH
YOUR MOM.

> OH NO, IT'S FINE.

> OK.

> YEAH. I LOVE IT.
I LOVE THEM SO MUCH I THREW
THEM ON THE FLOOR.

> WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR
RECORD PLAYER?

> IT JUST DOES THAT
(imitates record skipping)

> OH THAT? OK. YEAH.

> I ASKED--

> SOMEONE--

> I TRIED FIGURING IT OUT--

> OH, YOU DID?

> AND I DIDN'T.

> WHAT DID YOU DO?

> WELL I SPAT ON IT A FEW TIMES.

> OH, WITCHES CURSE? YEAH.

> YEAH. I DID A HEX.

> YEAH. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

> WELL ERIN, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
MY BIRTHDAY GIFTS.
I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

> I KNOW IT'S
NOT TODAY.

> IT'S NOT, IT'S ON WEDNESDAY.

> YEAH, BUT IT'S HUMP DAY
AND YOU CAN'T CELEBRATE A
BIRTHDAY ON HUMP DAY.

> I HOPE THIS CRICKS
OUT OF MY NECK,
IN TIME FOR MY BIRTHDAY,
BECAUSE OTHERWISE IT WILL BE
CRICKETS. YOU KNOW?

> BRYAN, I THINK WHEN
IT'S TIME TO TELL WOMAN
WHAT THEY
NEED TO PUT IN THEIR VAGINAS,
AND ON THEIR FACE,
IT IS NOT UP TO A WOMAN,
TO TELL THE WOMEN. IT IS
UP TO THE MEN TO TELL THE WOMEN.

> ABSOLUTELY.

> THAT IS HOW I FEEL.

> NO ONE KNOWS A WOMAN'S BODY
LIKE A MAN, BECAUSE HE
STARTS AT THE HEAD, GOES DOWN
BOOBIE-BOOBIE,
GOES DOWN, HIPS...

> AND THEN WHAT?

> I DON'T KNOW.
RUNS AWAY?

> JUST SO HAPPENS THAT UM,
MY IDEA OF HOW THE WORLD
SHOULD BE RUN,
AND ESPECIALLY WOMAN'S PRODUCTS
IS IN FACT IN PRACTICE.
THAT HAS BEEN CONFIRMED BY
HUFFINGTON POST,
AND CATALYST WHICH IS
AN ORGANIZATION
AIMED AT BOOSTING WOMAN
IN BUSINESS, AND THEY HAD A HUNCH,
THEY WERE LIKE,
"HUH, I WONDER IF ALL
THESE COMPANIES
ARE RUN BY MEN."
AND GUESS WHAT?

> THEY WERE.

> THEY ARE.

> OH GREAT.

> ALWAYS ARE.

> OK, SO THEY TOOK A COUPLE
COMPANIES THAT ARE FEMALE-CENTRIC.
NOW THIS DOESN'T NECESSARILY
MEAN THEY MAKE PRIMARILY FEMALE
STUFF, BUT THAT WOMAN ARE THEIR
NUMBER ONE MARKET.

> MM-HMM.

> AND UM, YOU'LL SEE
WHAT I MEAN BY THAT.

> TWILIGHT.

> NOT ON HERE.

> OH.

> THAT'S A BUMMER. AVON--

> IS NOT FEMALE RUN?

> IS THE BEST OF ALL
THESE COMPANIES.

> OH. OK.

> JUST KEEP THAT IN MIND.
THEY HAVE A MAJORITY OF
WOMEN ON THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS.

> THAT'S GOOD.

> BUT 41 PERCENT OF
WOMEN ARE IN
THE EXECUTIVE OFFICE.

> HUH...

> ON AVON.

> WOW.
% PERCENT.

> SO IT'S MEN MAKING
MAKE-UP DECISIONS. HUH.

> YEAH. EXACTLY.
MACY'S, NORDSTROM,
PROCTER AND GAMBLE, ROSS,...

> ROSS DRESS FOR LESS?

> ROSS DRESS FOR LESS 20%
PERCENT OF WOMAN ON THE BOARD.
% OF WOMAN IN THE
EXECUTIVE SUITE.
SEARS, AND T.J. MAXX.
DO YOU THINK THE EXECUTIVES WHO
WORK AT ROSS ALSO LEAVE
THEIR CLOTHING IN
A PILE ON THE FLOOR WHEN
THEY'RE DONE WITH IT?

> YEAH. AMY FRANKEL,
WHO WORKED OUT OF
COSMETICS GIANT
L'OREAL SAID IN THIS ARTICLE THAT
IN THE EARLY 80S AND
S, HER AND FEMALE COLLEAGUES
HAD TO CHAT BEHIND CLOSED DOORS
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T FEEL
COMFORTABLE TALKING TO MEN--
DIDN'T FEEL LIKE THEY WOULD BE
HEARD ABOUT NAIL POLISH
SHADE, AND LIPSTICK SHADE.

> CRAZY.

> THESE DISCUSSIONS WERE
BASED MORE ON A INTUITIVE KNOWLEDGE
VERSUS NUMBERS WHICH
IS WHAT ALL MEN HAVE
TO GO OFF IS LIKE
SHOPPING BEHAVIOR,
AND SURVEYS AND ALL THIS SHIT.
WHERE AS THE WOMAN WERE LIKE,
"I THINK MAYBE PINK SHOULD
BE A THING THIS YEAR."

> YEAH.

> AND THEN THEY DON'T
HAVE ANYTHING TO BACK IT UP WITH.
I THINK THERE MUST BE
NOTHING WORSE THAN TO GO IN
TO A THING ABOUT A PRODUCT
THAT YOU KNOW AND LOVE
AND HAVE A MAN SAY,
"MM... NO. I DON'T THINK THAT'S GOING TO WORK."

> THAT'S LIKE IF SOMEONE CAME
UP TO ME AND SAID,
"I KNOW HOW TO EAT PEANUT BUTTER
WITH A SPOON STRAIGHT
OUT OF A JAR BETTER THAN YOU DO."
THERE'S NO WAY THEY DO.

> NOBODY...
HOW MUCH PEANUT BUTTER
DO YOU EAT?

> PROBABLY LIKE 6
TEASPOONS A DAY. YEAH.

> ARE YOU SERIOUS?

> YEAH, BY DOCTOR'S ORDERS.

> OOH. YOUR POOP MUST
LOOK SO WEIRD.

> OH IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

> NO, IT LOOKS LIKE A
PAYDAY BAR, I KNOW IT.

> NO, I USE SMOOTH.

> WHAT'S SMOOTH?

> I DON'T USE CHUNKY. SOFT SERVE.

> IT LOOKS LIKE A--

> SOFT SERVE.

> OK.
WHY HAVE WOMEN ON THE BOARD
OF WOMEN'S PRODUCTS?

> I DON'T KNOW.
DIFFERENT HAIRSTYLES EVERYDAY.

> YEAH, OH YEAH, THAT'S FUN.

> DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
AND WOMEN KNOW LIKE,
HOW TO GET THE COFFEE,
HOW TO GET THE MAN...
OOH...
(exhales like he's hot and bothered)

> SECRETARY? THE MOVIE SECRETARY
IS THAT WHAT'S HAPPENING
RIGHT NOW? SO THERE'S OTHER
STUDY ALSO SAID BY MIXING GENDERS
SO HAVING EQUAL AMOUNTS OF
WOMEN AS MEN ON THE BOARD,
TEMPERS RISKY INVESTMENT MOVES.
AND AN INCREASE ON THE
RETURN IN EQUITY WHICH IS
ONE OF MY FAVORITE PLAYS
ABOUT HORSES.

> DANIEL RADCLIFFE
COMES BACK AND
HAS SEX WITH EVEN MORE HORSES.

> YEAH. SO MANY HORSES.

> SO MANY.

> IT IS GETTING BETTER.
CEO TOM FALK
WHO RUNS KIMBERLY CLARK
BOUGHT THE MALE EXECUTIVE
IN CHARGE OF KOTEX,
THE FUCKING MAXI PAD--

> SURE.

> TO PRESENT A MARKETING
STRATEGY FOR THE COMPANIES
BOARD OF DIRECTORS.
AFTER THE PRESENTATION,
SOME BOARD
OF DIRECTORS ASKED,
"DO YOU THINK YOU
COULD HAVE A FEMALE
PRESENT THE STRATEGY TO US?"
I MEAN I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THIS
IS WHAT IT TOOK FOR THIS GUY.
IT WAS AN A-AH MOMENT
FOR THE 55-YEAR OLD
FALK WHO
STARTED AT KIMBERLY-CLARK
MORE THAN 30 YEARS AGO.
SINCE THEN HE'S LAUNCHED
A SERIES OF INITIATIVES AIMED
AT BOOSTING THE NUMBER OF
WOMEN EXECUTIVES. HE SAYS,
"IF YOU'VE GOT A GROUP OF ALL
MEN, AND WOMEN ARE HALF
OF THE POPULATION AND ARE
BUYING ALL OF THE PRODUCTS,
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT WE
HAVE THE VERY BEST TEAM?"
I DON'T KNOW YOU DIP SHIT.
WHY DID IT TAKE YOU SO LONG?

> IT TOOK YOU DECADES TO
FIND THAT OUT.

> AND UNTIL
YOUR INVESTORS--
UNTIL THE PEOPLE IN POWER WERE LIKE
"HI, WE THINK THERE'S A PROBLEM."

> THIS IS WEIRD.
ALSO WE DON'T WANT
TO SEE A GUY.

> CAN YOU IMAGINE
SOMEONE GIVING A PRESENTATION
ON TAMPONS THAT'S
NOT A WOMAN?

> NOT EVEN TAMPONS,
MAXI PADS--

> MAXI PADS?

> MAXI PADS ARE MORE
EMBARRASSING THAN
TAMPONS.

> WELL IT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU'RE INTO.

> HAVE YOU SEEN--
YOU CAN USE THE BIG
ONES AS PILLOWS.

> I KNOW, I DO.

> YEAH. OR AN IPILLOW--

> THAT'S HOW I GOT
THE CRICK IN MY NECK.

> OH, YOU HAD TO MANY
MAXI PADS UNDER YOUR HEAD?

> WAY TO MANY.

> YOU KNOW,
THE PROBLEM IS THAT
WE CAN DO ALL THE
LEANING IN WE WANT,
BUT COMPANIES
FROM THE TOP DOWN NEED
TO BE BRINGING WOMAN UP,
AND IT
NEEDS TO BE LESS OF A
LEAN IN AND MORE OF
A LIKE, "I'VE
FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP."
LIKE A MEDIC ALERT
BRACELET SITUATION.

> YES. YEAH.

> UNTIL THEN, TRY TO BUY
FROM COMPANIES THAT DON'T DO THIS.

> YEAH. I MEAN YOU REALLY--
I'VE SAID IT BEFORE--

> SARA LEE.

> SARA LEE RUN BY A WOMAN,
NAMED FROM A WOMAN. I DON'T
KNOW IF SHE IS--

> MAYBE.

> YOU ALSO CAN'T--

> BETTY CROCKER.

> YOU CAN'T USE ANY OF
THOSE THINGS AS MAKE-UP.

> YOU CAN USE BETTY
CROCKER AS MAKE-UP.

> WHY?

> WELL, THE MUFFIN MIX WHEN YOU
ADD WATER IS LIKE A NICE BASE.

> OH IT IS A FOUNDATION?
SO YOU HAVE A STRAWBERRY
COMPLEXION,
A CHOCOLATE COMPLEXION,
A VANILLA COMPLEXION--

> YES. VANILLA.
MARBLE.

> OR CARROT CAKE. GOT YA.

> CARROT CAKE, YEAH.

> YOU REALLY BLEW OFF
THE WHOLE THING.

> CONFETTI.

> THIS, WHAT YOU'RE SAYING,
IS THE REASON
WHY MEN SHOULD STAY IN CHARGE.

> I AGREE.

> I'VE ALWAYS BEEN JEALOUS OF
WOMAN FOR A NUMBER OF
REASONS, BUT ONE OF THEM
WAS COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE,
BECAUSE IT SEEMS CRAZY.

> OH, I LOVE HOW CRAZY IT IS.

> LIKE THEY HAVE THE QUIZZES,
ALL THE SEX STUFF THAT'S
ALWAYS JUST SEEMINGLY OFF
THE MARK, AND INSANE.

> BY THE WAY, HALF THAT
STUFF IS MADE UP.

> THAT'S WHAT IT SEEMS LIKE.

> ONE TIME I WAS
ON A DATE, AND WE WERE
ON A ROCK-- WE WERE ON
THE ROCK OF GIBRALTAR,
AND I WAS IN WHITE PANTS
AND I STARTED
MY PERIOD...

> YEAH.
AND I SAW BLOOD RUNNING
DOWN THE ROCK...

> YEAH.

> AND MY DATE
RAN FOR THE HILLS.

> YEP.

> YOURS EMBARRASSED,
BLOODY PANTS.

> AND IT'S ALWAYS LIKE 25
TIPS ON WHAT TO DO WHEN
YOUR DATE'S DICK GETS STUCK
IN YOUR EAR. LIKE IT'S
ALL JUST STUFF THAT'S WELL,
IN NO WORLD IS THIS AN ISSUE.
WELL COSMO IS MOVING AWAY
FROM JUST WOMEN WHO HAVE MALE
PARTNERS, AND THEY'RE BEING
INCLUSIVE LATELY OF LESBIANS.
I THINK THIS IS A GOOD THING ONLY
BECAUSE THERE ISN'T REALLY--
I CAN'T GO TO THE GROCERY STORE
AND SEE A HEADLINE LIKE
THAT FOR ME.

> RIGHT. NO YOU'RE RIGHT.

> DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

> YEAH.

> LIKE I GET THAT IT'S STUPID,
AND IT'S FULLY STUPID--

> YOU WANT A DUMB
MAGAZINE TO GIVE YOU--

> YES, THAT I CAN BUY
AT A GROCERY STORE.

> WHAT ABOUT--

> NO BIG WHOOP.

> COULD YOU TAKE THIS STUFF
IN ESQUIRE AND JUST FLIP
THE SCRIPT?

> YEAH, BUT WHY DO THAT?
JUST HAVE IT SPELLED OUT.
EQUAL OPPORTUNITY STUPIDITY.

> YEAH, OK.

> SO, THEY'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO
MORE OF THIS LATELY.
THEY INTERESTINGLY JUST
HAD AN ARTICLE
CALLED "14 THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A GAY MAN", WHICH
WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD.

> COSMO SAID THIS?

> YES. LIKE ONE OF THEM WAS LIKE,
DON'T EVER TELL A GAY
MAN, I'M LIKE A GAY MAN TRAPPED
INSIDE OF A WOMAN'S BODY.
LIKE, THAT'S NOT--
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
THAT STRUGGLE IS.

> THEY HONESTLY DON'T USE
THE TERM MY GAYS?

> THAT UM, OR DON'T SAY I
WOULD'VE NEVER KNOWN YOU
WERE GAY, YOU SEEM SO STRAIGHT,
LIKE GOOD ADVICE FOR
PEOPLE WHO MIGHT
NOT KNOW ANY BETTER.
SOME GOOD THINGS
BUT THEIR ARTICLE,
THE MOST RECENT ONE WAS "28 MIND
BLOWING LESBIAN SEX POSITIONS".
THE DOUBLE DUTY.
I DON'T THINK THE WORD DUTY
SHOULD BE IN ANY SEX
(inaudible word) personally.

> BUT FOR SAYING IT D-U-T-Y.

> THE DOUBLE SHIFT.

> THE DOUBLE...
YEAH. HAVE YOUR PARTNER
GET ON ALL
'S WITH HER PELVIS TILTED UP.
KNEEL OVER HER CALVES,
RUBBING YOUR CLITORIS
AGAINST HER LEG.

> OH YEAH, YOU'RE RIDING
HER LEG LIKE A FUCKING, LIKE
GENUINE PONY STYLE.

> START BY LICKING HER
CLITORIS IN VULVA...

> WAIT, HUH?

> IS THE VULVA INSIDE?

> WAIT--

> YOU'RE RUBBING YOUR
CLITORIS AGAINST HER LEG.

> YOU'RE DRY HUMPING HER CALF,

> OK.

> BUT THEN YOU'RE EATING
HER OUT FROM THE BACK.

> BUT WHAT'S THE--

> THEY SHOULD'VE CALLED ME
TO WRITE THESE THINGS.

> IS VULVA--

> THIS IS LIKE POETIC SHIT
THEY'RE TRYING TO DO. YOU CAN'T--

> IT'S CRAZY.
IS THE VULVA THE VAGINA?

> THE VULVA IS THE... HMM...

> I KNOW WE
NEED AN ANATOMY CLASS.

> WAIT, NO--

> ISN'T THAT CRAZY?

> THE LABIA ARE THE LIPS.

> I KNEW THAT. THE BUTTON?

> THE CLITORIS IS THE DOORBELL.

> YEAH.

> AND THEN THE
VULVA IS THAT--

> IS THAT WHAT'S BETWEEN THE LIPS?

> NO THAT'S YOUR
SCROTUM. I MEAN,
THAT'S YOUR UH...
WAIT, IN BETWEEN THE LIPS?

> MEN HAVE A SCROTUM.
DOESN'T IT GO LIKE,
HERE'S THE LIPS...

> I DON'T KNOW WHERE
THE VULVA IS.

> WELL LICK THE VULVA.

> HEY, ALL I CARE ABOUT
IS THE G-SPOT.

> IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL
THE COFFEE SHOP YOU GO TO?

> YEAH.

> YEAH.

> I'M GOING TO THE G-SPOT.
DOES ANYBODY WANT A LATTE?

> (laughs) YEAH.
THE NEXT ONE'S CALLED
THE HOT HAIR
SALON.

> THIS BETTER HAVE
TO DO WITH HAIR.

> YEP. KNEEL BEHIND YOUR
PARTNER WHO'S ALSO KNEELING,
TUG ON HER HAIR.
THE NEXT ONE IS CALLED--

> WAIT, THAT'S NOT ANYTHING.

> I KNOW.
THAT'S JUST LIKE YOU'RE
KNEELING BEHIND THE OTHER
AND JUST LIKE...
HEE-HAW WITH THE HAIR RIGHT?
THE NEXT ONE'S CALLED
GOOD COP, NAUGHTY COP.

> I MEAN, GET IT.
OH SO IT'S JUST LAW AND ORDER?

> IT'S BASICALLY JUST
LAW AND ORDER. YOU JUST--

> WHAT DO YOU DO?

> YOU BASICALLY JUST BEND--
UH, SO MANY OF THESE
ARE JUST DOGGY STYLE POSITIONS
WITH DIFFERENT NAMES.

> YOU SHOULD HANDCUFF THEIR
FEET TOGETHER, AND
THEIR ARMS TOGETHER.

> OH, NOW
THAT WOULD BE GOOD COP,
NAUGHTY COP.

> AND THEN
YOU PUT THEM IN A CHAIR
AND YOU GO, "I KNOW WHAT YOU
DID LAST SUMMER."

> YEAH.

> AND THEN SHE'S LIKE,
WELL COPPER YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO TAKE ME.
BUT THEN YOU'RE ALL NAKED.

> YEP.

> BUT YOU ARE AT THE POLICE STATION,
SO YOU'RE JUST LIKE
CAN I JUST HAVE 10 MORE MINUTES.

> SO THIS FANTASY
HAS TO PLAY OUT IN AN ACTUAL POLICE STATION.

> YEAH, YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY GET ARRESTED.

> WORTH IT THOUGH.

> WELL IF YOU TELL THE COPS
THAT IT'S OK IF THEY WATCH
YOU FINGER EACH OTHER.
SEE WE'RE BACK TO THE THING AGAIN.
YOU GOTTA-- THE ONLY WAY
TO GET WHAT YOU WANT IS TO MAKE
OUT WITH ANOTHER GIRL,
AND PRETEND WE'RE LESBIANS.
I'M NOT DOING IT.

> DID YOU SEE THE
HEADLINE TODAY ABOUT
THE WOMAN WHO, UH...

> STRUCK BY LIGHTING?

> NO, SAW THAT ONE,
BUT STABBED HER ROOMMATE,
BECAUSE
HER ROOMMATE WOULDN'T
STOP LISTENING TO THE EAGLES.

> STABBED HER WHERE?

> IN THE HAND.
AND THE WOMAN WAS LIKE,
TURN OFF THE FUCKING EAGLES.

> I BET IT WAS HOTEL CALIFORNIA.

> AND SHE WAS LIKE, I'M NOT--
PROBABLY ON REPEAT.
THE NEXT ONE,
OH THIS WILL BE GOOD
FOR THE G-SPOT COFFEE SHOP,
IT'S CALLED THE ESPRESSO.
THIS ONE'S HARD.
YOU FACE EACH OTHER
WITH YOU KNEES
INTERTWINED STANDING UP,
AND YOUR BODY'S TOUCHING.
SO IT'S BASICALLY--

> HOW?

> I DON'T KNOW.

> HOW DO YOU STAND WITH
YOUR KNEES INTERTWINED?

> IT'S LIKE EAGLE POSE.
IS THAT A POSE? YEAH.

> YEAH, BUT THEN HOW DO
YOU DO ANYTHING SEXUAL?

> YOU DO IT FIRST--

> WHY ARE ALL THESE LIKE JUST
HUGGING?

> YOU CAN ONLY GET
OFF IN 3 SECONDS BECAUSE
YOU WRAP YOUR KNEES AROUND
EACH OTHER, AND YOU JUST GO...
UH... AND YOU JUST FALL.

> YOU HAVE TO PRAY TO GOD
THAT YOU HAVE AN ORGASM
BEFORE YOU FALL ON THE FLOOR.

> YEAH. THESE I DIDN'T WRITE
DOWN, BECAUSE THEY
WERE TOO COMPLICATED
FOR WHAT THEY WERE, BUT--
SO I JUST WROTE THE TITLES.
THE SEXY SPIDER.

> OH THAT'S--
OH, I KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
WHEN YOU'RE
TARANTULA STYLE, LIKE THIS--

> YEP.

> AND THEN SHE COMES
UNDERNEATH YOU--

> AND YOU TAPE MANNEQUIN
LEGS ALL OVER YOUR BODY.
(she laughs)

> THE NEXT ONE'S
THE ROCKIN' ROCKETTE. I JUST
ASSUME IT INVOLVES
A LOT OF KICKS.

> THESE ARE ALL YOGA
POSES.

> THEY REALLY ARE.
THEY ARE ALL YOGA POSES.

> DO A BACKBEND--

> YEAH.

> DO A REAL POSE WHILE SHE GOES
DOWN ON YOU AND DOGGY STYLE.

> YOU KNOW WHAT,
COSMO OBVIOUSLY
GETS IT WRONG
ALL THE TIME, BUT AT LEAST THEY ARE INCLUSIVE ABOUT
GETTING IT WRONG ALL THE TIME.

> WELL I'M GLAD
THEY'RE DOING THIS.

> YEAH.

> YEAH.

> SO UM, DO YOU WANT TO GO
MAKE AN ESPRESSO.

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