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It's Bryan's birthday! And Erin got him just what he wanted - a picture of a cat... more »
Published July 29, 2014 39k views More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Starring Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Written by Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Producer: Ross Buran
Producer: Ben Sheehan
Camera Op: Cristina Dunlap
Editor: Ian Skalski
Camera Op: Matt Sweeney
Art: Tricia Robertson
Follow Erin & Bryan on Twitter
Erin:
http://www.twitter.com/gibblertron
Bryan:
http://www.twitter.com/bryansafi
699 Funny Votes
267 Die Votes
39,400 Views
Published July 29, 2014

1

>: (ERIN): THIS IS

2

(ERIN AND BRYAN TOGETHER):
THROWING SHADE.

3

>: (BRYAN):
WHERE FEMINASTY ERIN GIBSON,

4

>: (ERIN):
AND HOMOSENSUAL BRYAN SAFI,

5

>: (BRYAN):
TAKE A LOOK AT THE
HEADLINES AND POLITICS,

6

>: (ERIN):
AND POP CULTURE,

7

>: (BRYAN):
AND TREAT THEM WITH MUCH

8

LESS RESPECT THAN THEY DESERVE.

9

(ERIN):
CAN YOU HANDLE IT?

10

11

>: HAPPY BIRTHDAY IN A
COUPLE OF DAYS.
>: THANK YOU.

12

>: IN TWO DAYS, ALL MY
DREAMS WILL COME TRUE.

13

>: I AM SO--
I FEEL SO BAD FOR YOUR
MOM GIVING BIRTH

14

IN JULY.
>: AT THE END OF JULY
IS WHEN SHE DECIDED

15

TO GIVE BIRTH.
>: GOD AND YOU'RE--

16

>: THAT'S WHEN SHE DECIDED.
>: DID SHE CALL YOU A HOT

17

POTATO WHEN YOU CAME OUT?
>: SHE SAID SHE REALLY DIDN'T

18

REMEMBER IT, BECAUSE MY
BROTHER WAS NATURAL BIRTH,

19

>: UH-HUH...
>: I THINK THIS IS HOW IT WENT...

20

I MEAN, SHE WAS LIKE
DRUGGED UP FOR MINE.
SO SHE WAS LIKE IT

21

JUST HAPPENED. I DON'T KNOW I WAS--

22

SHE WAS LIKE OUT SHOPPING.
>: WHAT?

23

>: YEAH, AND SHE WAS LIKE, "UH-OH",
AND THEN LIKE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL.

24

>: WHERE WAS SHE, T.J. MAXX?
>: I NEVER ASKED HER WHAT

25

STORE IT WAS, BECAUSE THAT
COULD'VE MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE

26

RATHER I WAS A
NEIMAN'S BABY, OR...
>: OR A

27

TUESDAY MORNING'S BABY.
>: OR A TUESDAY MORNING'S BABY.

28

WE'LL NEVER KNOW, UNTIL I ASK.
>: DOES SHE REMEMBER

29

BEING PREGNANT?
>: I THINK SO, I MEAN
BECAUSE IT LASTS LIKE

30

A FEW WEEKS, AND
MONTHS, OR WHATEVER.
>: YEAH, IT'S A COUPLE

31

OF WEEKS, AND THEN
YOU HAVE A BABY.
>: YEAH-YEAH...

32

>: YOU HAVE VERY
LITTLE TIME TO PREPARE.
>: WELL MY MOM--

33

ACTUALLY MY MOM WAS PREGNANT
WITH ME FOR ABOUT 12 YEARS.

34

>: DID YOU HAVE TO
CRACK OUT OF A STONE--
>: I DID, YEP.

35

>: YEAH. YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT
REAL THING RIGHT, STONE BABIES?

36

>: NO.
>: STONE BABIES ARE WHEN
YOU HAVE A PREGNANCY

37

THAT'S SOMETIMES IS
OUTSIDE OF THE UTERUS.
THE BABY

38

CAN'T REALLY SURVIVE,
AND YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW THAT

39

YOU'RE PREGNANT,
BUT IT WILL BE FULL LIKE A FETUS,

40

AND YOUR BODY'S LIKE,
"OH GOD, WE HAVE A FOREIGN OBJECT."

41

SO IT STARTS PUTTING CALCIUM
LAYERS OVER THE BABY.
>: UH-HUH.

42

>: IT DOESN'T HAPPEN WHEN
YOU HAVE ULTRASOUNDS,

43

OR ANY KIND OF PRENATAL CARE,
ANYBODY WHO GOES TO A DOCTOR,

44

BUT A LOT OF 3RD WORLD COUNTRIES,
LIKE 70 YEAR OLD

45

WOMAN WILL BE LIKE,
"MY STOMACH HURTS.",
AND THEN

46

THEY'LL DO AN ULTRASOUND,
AND THEN THEY'LL BE LIKE,

47

A FUCKING 40 YEAR OLD
DEAD BABY IN THEIR STOMACH.

48

>: WELL I CAN BEAT THAT.
>: WHAT?

49

>: I HAVE A CRICK IN MY NECK.
>: SEE-- YEAH.

50

OK, WELL HERE'S YOUR
BIRTHDAY CARD.
>: OH THANKS.

51

>: THAT'S A PICTURE OF YOU.
>: AT COACHELLA.

52

>: WITH MONEY, DOLLAR SIGN TEETH--
>: OH COOL, I'M ALL ABOUT--

53

AND THERE'S ALSO ONE
LONG FEATHER EARRING.
>: YEAH.

54

>: AND I'M SCREAMING
COACHELLA!

55

OH IT'S A CAT SMOKING
A CIGARETTE. OH MY GOD...

56

AH, HELL, I GOT 9 LIVES.
I CAN SPARE A FEW.

57

>: YEAH.
>: THAT'S MY PHILOSOPHY--

58

RISK TAKING,
LIVING ON THE EDGE.
>: DO YOU THINK THAT

59

CAT IS ACTUALLY
SMOKING A CIGARETTE?
>: YES.

60

>: OK.
>: IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY.
DO STUFF YOU'RE

61

NOT SUPPOSED TO DO. OH--
>: AND I LISTED SOME.

62

>: YOU LISTED SOME THINGS
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO DO.

63

NUMBER 1, ROB JULIA
ROBERT'S MAIN CABIN.
>: MAINE. M-A-I-N-E.

64

>: OH, THE STATE OF MAINE.
>: YEAH.

65

>: IT MIGHT BE WORTH ROBBING
HER JUST SO YOU HAVE THAT

66

ALLITERATION IN THE HEADLINE.
>: OH YEAH, I LIKE IT.

67

>: ROBERT'S ROBBED.

68

2, TELL LIES TO THE BANK.
I ALREADY DO. I ALREADY--

69

YOU KNOW ME.
>: YEAH.

70

>: I GO IN AND I SAY,
"DIAMONDS FIRST. CAN'T

71

KEEP EVERYTHING AT THE BANK.
I KEEP IT AT MY HOME THOUGH.

72

AND I ONLY KEEP A FEW
THOUSAND DOLLARS IN THIS BANK,

73

AND HUNDREDS OF
MILLIONS ELSEWHERE.
>: OH, THAT'S

74

THE LYING PART, YEAH.
>: YEAH.

75

>: I'M OVERDRAWN. HA-HA. THAT'S WHAT UM, MY DEAR FRIEND--

76

WALT DISNEY SAID TO MICKEY MOUSE.
>: THERE'S

77

A 3RD THING.
>: NUMBER 3,

78

PUT COCAINE UP DERRICK'S
PEE HOLE AND LICK IT OUT.

79

WELL, THAT'S JUST, SWEET.
>: YEAH. JUST LIKE DO SOME

80

CLASSY STUFF ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.
>: YEAH.

81

>: AND THEN THE WHOLE
CREW SIGNED IT.

82

>: I WILL. VERY SWEET.
BRY-GUY, MR. KEYS...

83

THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>: WELL HOLD ON,
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU.

84

>: OH YOU DO?
>: YEAH.

85

>: I THOUGHT THAT WAS
APART OF YOUR T-SHIRT.

86

THIS WAS A YEAR IN THE MAKING.

87

THIS OK.
>: UH-OH. I'M ALREADY GOING TO LOVE IT.

88

TOOTSIE.
>: WAIT, I HAVE A QUESTION.
DID YOUR

89

RECORD PLAYER GET FIXED?
>: NO, BUT IT WILL BE.

90

>: OK.
>: I NEED TO GET IT FIXED.

91

>: YOU GOT TO GET IT
FIXED JUST FOR THESE.
>: THE ORIGINAL

92

MOTION PICTURE SOUNDTRACK. WHAT WERE THE SONGS IN TOOTSIE?

93

>: I DON'T REMEMBER.
>: WHO'S THAT GIRL. I THINK

94

HONESTLY THE WORSE
MOVIE EVER MADE.
>: (laughs)

95

>: LIKE AT LEAST THE WORSE
MOVIE IN THE PAST 30 OR 40 YEARS.

96

>: BUT DIDN'T YOU HAVE A BABYSITTER
WHO TOOK YOU TO SEE THIS?

97

>: YES, AND I HAVE THE POSTER.
>: YEAH, I KNOW.

98

>: OH MY GOD, GUESS WHAT THE LAST SONG

99

ON HERE IS CALLED?
SO SO BAD.
>: (laughs)

100

>: ANNIE GET YOUR GUN.
THE ORIGINAL MGM SOUNDTRACK.

101

DO YOU KNOW THAT I SAW
THIS WITH, WAS IT REBA MCEN-WHAT?

102

NO--
>: MCENTIRE?

103

>: YES. BUT IT WASN'T.
IT WAS BERNADETTE PETERS I SAW

104

THIS WITH MY MOM. AND MY MOM GOES,
"I THINK SHE'S ONE OF THE

105

FINEST ACTRESSES OF THE STAGE."
BERNADETTE PETERS
>: OK.

106

>: AND I WAS LIKE,
ALRIGHT, CALM DOWN.
>: WELL SO, I

107

DIDN'T MEAN TO GET YOU
SOMETHING THAT YOU SAW WITH

108

YOUR MOM.
>: OH NO, IT'S FINE.

109

>: OK.
>: YEAH. I LOVE IT.
I LOVE THEM SO MUCH I THREW

110

THEM ON THE FLOOR.
>: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR

111

RECORD PLAYER?
>: IT JUST DOES THAT
(imitates record skipping)

112

>: OH THAT? OK. YEAH.
>: I ASKED--

113

>: SOMEONE--
>: I TRIED FIGURING IT OUT--

114

>: OH, YOU DID?
>: AND I DIDN'T.

115

>: WHAT DID YOU DO?
>: WELL I SPAT ON IT A FEW TIMES.

116

>: OH, WITCHES CURSE? YEAH.
>: YEAH. I DID A HEX.

117

>: YEAH. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
>: WELL ERIN, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR

118

MY BIRTHDAY GIFTS.
I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
>: I KNOW IT'S

119

NOT TODAY.
>: IT'S NOT, IT'S ON WEDNESDAY.

120

>: YEAH, BUT IT'S HUMP DAY
AND YOU CAN'T CELEBRATE A

121

BIRTHDAY ON HUMP DAY.
>: I HOPE THIS CRICKS
OUT OF MY NECK,

122

IN TIME FOR MY BIRTHDAY,
BECAUSE OTHERWISE IT WILL BE

123

CRICKETS. YOU KNOW?

124

125

>: BRYAN, I THINK WHEN
IT'S TIME TO TELL WOMAN
WHAT THEY

126

NEED TO PUT IN THEIR VAGINAS,
AND ON THEIR FACE,

127

IT IS NOT UP TO A WOMAN,
TO TELL THE WOMEN. IT IS

128

UP TO THE MEN TO TELL THE WOMEN.
>: ABSOLUTELY.

129

>: THAT IS HOW I FEEL.
>: NO ONE KNOWS A WOMAN'S BODY

130

LIKE A MAN, BECAUSE HE
STARTS AT THE HEAD, GOES DOWN

131

BOOBIE-BOOBIE,
GOES DOWN, HIPS...
>: AND THEN WHAT?

132

>: I DON'T KNOW.
RUNS AWAY?

133

>: JUST SO HAPPENS THAT UM,
MY IDEA OF HOW THE WORLD

134

SHOULD BE RUN,
AND ESPECIALLY WOMAN'S PRODUCTS

135

IS IN FACT IN PRACTICE.
THAT HAS BEEN CONFIRMED BY

136

HUFFINGTON POST,
AND CATALYST WHICH IS
AN ORGANIZATION

137

AIMED AT BOOSTING WOMAN
IN BUSINESS, AND THEY HAD A HUNCH,

138

THEY WERE LIKE,
"HUH, I WONDER IF ALL
THESE COMPANIES

139

ARE RUN BY MEN."
AND GUESS WHAT?

140

>: THEY WERE.
>: THEY ARE.

141

>: OH GREAT.
>: ALWAYS ARE.

142

>: OK, SO THEY TOOK A COUPLE
COMPANIES THAT ARE FEMALE-CENTRIC.

143

NOW THIS DOESN'T NECESSARILY
MEAN THEY MAKE PRIMARILY FEMALE

144

STUFF, BUT THAT WOMAN ARE THEIR
NUMBER ONE MARKET.
>: MM-HMM.

145

>: AND UM, YOU'LL SEE
WHAT I MEAN BY THAT.
>: TWILIGHT.

146

>: NOT ON HERE.
>: OH.

147

>: THAT'S A BUMMER. AVON--

148

>: IS NOT FEMALE RUN?
>: IS THE BEST OF ALL
THESE COMPANIES.

149

>: OH. OK.
>: JUST KEEP THAT IN MIND.

150

THEY HAVE A MAJORITY OF
WOMEN ON THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS.

151

>: THAT'S GOOD.
>: BUT 41 PERCENT OF
WOMEN ARE IN

152

THE EXECUTIVE OFFICE.
>: HUH...

153

>: ON AVON.
>: WOW.

154

40% PERCENT.
>: SO IT'S MEN MAKING

155

MAKE-UP DECISIONS. HUH.
>: YEAH. EXACTLY.

156

MACY'S, NORDSTROM,
PROCTER AND GAMBLE, ROSS,...

157

>: ROSS DRESS FOR LESS?
>: ROSS DRESS FOR LESS 20%

158

PERCENT OF WOMAN ON THE BOARD.
21% OF WOMAN IN THE

159

EXECUTIVE SUITE.
SEARS, AND T.J. MAXX.

160

DO YOU THINK THE EXECUTIVES WHO
WORK AT ROSS ALSO LEAVE
THEIR CLOTHING IN

161

A PILE ON THE FLOOR WHEN
THEY'RE DONE WITH IT?

162

>: YEAH. AMY FRANKEL,
WHO WORKED OUT OF
COSMETICS GIANT

163

L'OREAL SAID IN THIS ARTICLE THAT
IN THE EARLY 80S AND

164

90S, HER AND FEMALE COLLEAGUES
HAD TO CHAT BEHIND CLOSED DOORS

165

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T FEEL
COMFORTABLE TALKING TO MEN--

166

DIDN'T FEEL LIKE THEY WOULD BE
HEARD ABOUT NAIL POLISH

167

SHADE, AND LIPSTICK SHADE.
>: CRAZY.

168

>: THESE DISCUSSIONS WERE
BASED MORE ON A INTUITIVE KNOWLEDGE

169

VERSUS NUMBERS WHICH
IS WHAT ALL MEN HAVE
TO GO OFF IS LIKE

170

SHOPPING BEHAVIOR,
AND SURVEYS AND ALL THIS SHIT.

171

WHERE AS THE WOMAN WERE LIKE,
"I THINK MAYBE PINK SHOULD

172

BE A THING THIS YEAR."
>: YEAH.

173

>: AND THEN THEY DON'T
HAVE ANYTHING TO BACK IT UP WITH.

174

I THINK THERE MUST BE
NOTHING WORSE THAN TO GO IN

175

TO A THING ABOUT A PRODUCT
THAT YOU KNOW AND LOVE

176

AND HAVE A MAN SAY,
"MM... NO. I DON'T THINK THAT'S GOING TO WORK."

177

>: THAT'S LIKE IF SOMEONE CAME
UP TO ME AND SAID,

178

"I KNOW HOW TO EAT PEANUT BUTTER
WITH A SPOON STRAIGHT

179

OUT OF A JAR BETTER THAN YOU DO."
THERE'S NO WAY THEY DO.

180

>: NOBODY...
HOW MUCH PEANUT BUTTER
DO YOU EAT?

181

>: PROBABLY LIKE 6
TEASPOONS A DAY. YEAH.
>: ARE YOU SERIOUS?

182

>: YEAH, BY DOCTOR'S ORDERS.
>: OOH. YOUR POOP MUST

183

LOOK SO WEIRD.
>: OH IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

184

>: NO, IT LOOKS LIKE A
PAYDAY BAR, I KNOW IT.

185

>: NO, I USE SMOOTH.
>: WHAT'S SMOOTH?

186

>: I DON'T USE CHUNKY. SOFT SERVE.
>: IT LOOKS LIKE A--

187

>: SOFT SERVE.
>: OK.

188

WHY HAVE WOMEN ON THE BOARD
OF WOMEN'S PRODUCTS?

189

>: I DON'T KNOW.
DIFFERENT HAIRSTYLES EVERYDAY.

190

>: YEAH, OH YEAH, THAT'S FUN.
>: DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

191

AND WOMEN KNOW LIKE,
HOW TO GET THE COFFEE,
HOW TO GET THE MAN...

192

OOH...
(exhales like he's hot and bothered)

193

>: SECRETARY? THE MOVIE SECRETARY
IS THAT WHAT'S HAPPENING

194

RIGHT NOW? SO THERE'S OTHER
STUDY ALSO SAID BY MIXING GENDERS

195

SO HAVING EQUAL AMOUNTS OF
WOMEN AS MEN ON THE BOARD,

196

TEMPERS RISKY INVESTMENT MOVES.
AND AN INCREASE ON THE

197

RETURN IN EQUITY WHICH IS
ONE OF MY FAVORITE PLAYS

198

ABOUT HORSES.
>: DANIEL RADCLIFFE
COMES BACK AND

199

HAS SEX WITH EVEN MORE HORSES.
>: YEAH. SO MANY HORSES.

200

>: SO MANY.
>: IT IS GETTING BETTER.
CEO TOM FALK

201

WHO RUNS KIMBERLY CLARK
BOUGHT THE MALE EXECUTIVE

202

IN CHARGE OF KOTEX,
THE FUCKING MAXI PAD--
>: SURE.

203

>: TO PRESENT A MARKETING
STRATEGY FOR THE COMPANIES

204

BOARD OF DIRECTORS.
AFTER THE PRESENTATION,
SOME BOARD

205

OF DIRECTORS ASKED,
"DO YOU THINK YOU
COULD HAVE A FEMALE

206

PRESENT THE STRATEGY TO US?"
I MEAN I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THIS

207

IS WHAT IT TOOK FOR THIS GUY.
IT WAS AN A-AH MOMENT

208

FOR THE 55-YEAR OLD
FALK WHO

209

STARTED AT KIMBERLY-CLARK
MORE THAN 30 YEARS AGO.

210

SINCE THEN HE'S LAUNCHED
A SERIES OF INITIATIVES AIMED

211

AT BOOSTING THE NUMBER OF
WOMEN EXECUTIVES. HE SAYS,

212

"IF YOU'VE GOT A GROUP OF ALL
MEN, AND WOMEN ARE HALF

213

OF THE POPULATION AND ARE
BUYING ALL OF THE PRODUCTS,

214

HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT WE
HAVE THE VERY BEST TEAM?"

215

I DON'T KNOW YOU DIP SHIT.
WHY DID IT TAKE YOU SO LONG?

216

>: IT TOOK YOU DECADES TO
FIND THAT OUT.
>: AND UNTIL

217

YOUR INVESTORS--
UNTIL THE PEOPLE IN POWER WERE LIKE

218

"HI, WE THINK THERE'S A PROBLEM."
>: THIS IS WEIRD.

219

ALSO WE DON'T WANT
TO SEE A GUY.
>: CAN YOU IMAGINE

220

SOMEONE GIVING A PRESENTATION
ON TAMPONS THAT'S

221

NOT A WOMAN?
>: NOT EVEN TAMPONS,
MAXI PADS--

222

>: MAXI PADS?
>: MAXI PADS ARE MORE
EMBARRASSING THAN

223

TAMPONS.
>: WELL IT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU'RE INTO.

224

>: HAVE YOU SEEN--
YOU CAN USE THE BIG
ONES AS PILLOWS.

225

>: I KNOW, I DO.
>: YEAH. OR AN IPILLOW--

226

>: THAT'S HOW I GOT
THE CRICK IN MY NECK.

227

>: OH, YOU HAD TO MANY
MAXI PADS UNDER YOUR HEAD?

228

>: WAY TO MANY.
>: YOU KNOW,
THE PROBLEM IS THAT

229

WE CAN DO ALL THE
LEANING IN WE WANT,
BUT COMPANIES

230

FROM THE TOP DOWN NEED
TO BE BRINGING WOMAN UP,
AND IT

231

NEEDS TO BE LESS OF A
LEAN IN AND MORE OF
A LIKE, "I'VE

232

FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP."
LIKE A MEDIC ALERT
BRACELET SITUATION.

233

>: YES. YEAH.
>: UNTIL THEN, TRY TO BUY

234

FROM COMPANIES THAT DON'T DO THIS.
>: YEAH. I MEAN YOU REALLY--

235

I'VE SAID IT BEFORE--
>: SARA LEE.

236

>: SARA LEE RUN BY A WOMAN,
NAMED FROM A WOMAN. I DON'T

237

KNOW IF SHE IS--
>: MAYBE.

238

>: YOU ALSO CAN'T--
>: BETTY CROCKER.

239

>: YOU CAN'T USE ANY OF
THOSE THINGS AS MAKE-UP.

240

>: YOU CAN USE BETTY
CROCKER AS MAKE-UP.
>: WHY?

241

>: WELL, THE MUFFIN MIX WHEN YOU
ADD WATER IS LIKE A NICE BASE.

242

>: OH IT IS A FOUNDATION?
SO YOU HAVE A STRAWBERRY
COMPLEXION,

243

A CHOCOLATE COMPLEXION,
A VANILLA COMPLEXION--
>: YES. VANILLA.

244

MARBLE.
>: OR CARROT CAKE. GOT YA.

245

>: CARROT CAKE, YEAH.
>: YOU REALLY BLEW OFF
THE WHOLE THING.

246

>: CONFETTI.
>: THIS, WHAT YOU'RE SAYING,
IS THE REASON

247

WHY MEN SHOULD STAY IN CHARGE.
>: I AGREE.

248

249

>: I'VE ALWAYS BEEN JEALOUS OF
WOMAN FOR A NUMBER OF

250

REASONS, BUT ONE OF THEM
WAS COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE,

251

BECAUSE IT SEEMS CRAZY.
>: OH, I LOVE HOW CRAZY IT IS.

252

>: LIKE THEY HAVE THE QUIZZES,
ALL THE SEX STUFF THAT'S

253

ALWAYS JUST SEEMINGLY OFF
THE MARK, AND INSANE.

254

>: BY THE WAY, HALF THAT
STUFF IS MADE UP.

255

>: THAT'S WHAT IT SEEMS LIKE.
>: ONE TIME I WAS

256

ON A DATE, AND WE WERE
ON A ROCK-- WE WERE ON

257

THE ROCK OF GIBRALTAR,
AND I WAS IN WHITE PANTS
AND I STARTED

258

MY PERIOD...
>: YEAH.

259

AND I SAW BLOOD RUNNING
DOWN THE ROCK...
>: YEAH.

260

>: AND MY DATE
RAN FOR THE HILLS.
>: YEP.

261

>: YOURS EMBARRASSED,
BLOODY PANTS.

262

>: AND IT'S ALWAYS LIKE 25
TIPS ON WHAT TO DO WHEN

263

YOUR DATE'S DICK GETS STUCK
IN YOUR EAR. LIKE IT'S

264

ALL JUST STUFF THAT'S WELL,
IN NO WORLD IS THIS AN ISSUE.

265

WELL COSMO IS MOVING AWAY
FROM JUST WOMEN WHO HAVE MALE

266

PARTNERS, AND THEY'RE BEING
INCLUSIVE LATELY OF LESBIANS.

267

I THINK THIS IS A GOOD THING ONLY
BECAUSE THERE ISN'T REALLY--

268

I CAN'T GO TO THE GROCERY STORE
AND SEE A HEADLINE LIKE

269

THAT FOR ME.
>: RIGHT. NO YOU'RE RIGHT.

270

>: DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
>: YEAH.

271

>: LIKE I GET THAT IT'S STUPID,
AND IT'S FULLY STUPID--

272

>: YOU WANT A DUMB
MAGAZINE TO GIVE YOU--

273

>: YES, THAT I CAN BUY
AT A GROCERY STORE.

274

>: WHAT ABOUT--
>: NO BIG WHOOP.

275

>: COULD YOU TAKE THIS STUFF
IN ESQUIRE AND JUST FLIP

276

THE SCRIPT?
>: YEAH, BUT WHY DO THAT?

277

JUST HAVE IT SPELLED OUT.
EQUAL OPPORTUNITY STUPIDITY.

278

>: YEAH, OK.
>: SO, THEY'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO

279

MORE OF THIS LATELY.
THEY INTERESTINGLY JUST
HAD AN ARTICLE

280

CALLED "14 THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A GAY MAN", WHICH

281

WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD.
>: COSMO SAID THIS?

282

>: YES. LIKE ONE OF THEM WAS LIKE,
DON'T EVER TELL A GAY

283

MAN, I'M LIKE A GAY MAN TRAPPED
INSIDE OF A WOMAN'S BODY.

284

LIKE, THAT'S NOT--
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
THAT STRUGGLE IS.

285

>: THEY HONESTLY DON'T USE
THE TERM MY GAYS?

286

>: THAT UM, OR DON'T SAY I
WOULD'VE NEVER KNOWN YOU

287

WERE GAY, YOU SEEM SO STRAIGHT,
LIKE GOOD ADVICE FOR

288

PEOPLE WHO MIGHT
NOT KNOW ANY BETTER.
SOME GOOD THINGS

289

BUT THEIR ARTICLE,
THE MOST RECENT ONE WAS "28 MIND

290

BLOWING LESBIAN SEX POSITIONS".
THE DOUBLE DUTY.

291

I DON'T THINK THE WORD DUTY
SHOULD BE IN ANY SEX
(inaudible word) personally.

292

>: BUT FOR SAYING IT D-U-T-Y.
>: THE DOUBLE SHIFT.

293

>: THE DOUBLE...
YEAH. HAVE YOUR PARTNER
GET ON ALL

294

4'S WITH HER PELVIS TILTED UP.
KNEEL OVER HER CALVES,

295

RUBBING YOUR CLITORIS
AGAINST HER LEG.

296

>: OH YEAH, YOU'RE RIDING
HER LEG LIKE A FUCKING, LIKE

297

GENUINE PONY STYLE.
>: START BY LICKING HER

298

CLITORIS IN VULVA...
>: WAIT, HUH?

299

>: IS THE VULVA INSIDE?
>: WAIT--

300

>: YOU'RE RUBBING YOUR
CLITORIS AGAINST HER LEG.

301

>: YOU'RE DRY HUMPING HER CALF,
>: OK.

302

>: BUT THEN YOU'RE EATING
HER OUT FROM THE BACK.

303

>: BUT WHAT'S THE--
>: THEY SHOULD'VE CALLED ME

304

TO WRITE THESE THINGS.
>: IS VULVA--

305

>: THIS IS LIKE POETIC SHIT
THEY'RE TRYING TO DO. YOU CAN'T--

306

>: IT'S CRAZY.
IS THE VULVA THE VAGINA?

307

>: THE VULVA IS THE... HMM...
>: I KNOW WE

308

NEED AN ANATOMY CLASS.
>: WAIT, NO--

309

>: ISN'T THAT CRAZY?
>: THE LABIA ARE THE LIPS.

310

>: I KNEW THAT. THE BUTTON?
>: THE CLITORIS IS THE DOORBELL.

311

>: YEAH.
>: AND THEN THE
VULVA IS THAT--

312

>: IS THAT WHAT'S BETWEEN THE LIPS?
>: NO THAT'S YOUR

313

SCROTUM. I MEAN,
THAT'S YOUR UH...
WAIT, IN BETWEEN THE LIPS?

314

>: MEN HAVE A SCROTUM.
DOESN'T IT GO LIKE,
HERE'S THE LIPS...

315

>: I DON'T KNOW WHERE
THE VULVA IS.
>: WELL LICK THE VULVA.

316

>: HEY, ALL I CARE ABOUT
IS THE G-SPOT.

317

>: IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL
THE COFFEE SHOP YOU GO TO?

318

>: YEAH.
>: YEAH.

319

>: I'M GOING TO THE G-SPOT.
DOES ANYBODY WANT A LATTE?

320

>: (laughs) YEAH.
THE NEXT ONE'S CALLED
THE HOT HAIR

321

SALON.
>: THIS BETTER HAVE
TO DO WITH HAIR.

322

>: YEP. KNEEL BEHIND YOUR
PARTNER WHO'S ALSO KNEELING,

323

TUG ON HER HAIR.
THE NEXT ONE IS CALLED--

324

>: WAIT, THAT'S NOT ANYTHING.
>: I KNOW.

325

THAT'S JUST LIKE YOU'RE
KNEELING BEHIND THE OTHER

326

AND JUST LIKE...
HEE-HAW WITH THE HAIR RIGHT?

327

THE NEXT ONE'S CALLED
GOOD COP, NAUGHTY COP.

328

>: I MEAN, GET IT.
OH SO IT'S JUST LAW AND ORDER?

329

>: IT'S BASICALLY JUST
LAW AND ORDER. YOU JUST--

330

>: WHAT DO YOU DO?
>: YOU BASICALLY JUST BEND--

331

UH, SO MANY OF THESE
ARE JUST DOGGY STYLE POSITIONS

332

WITH DIFFERENT NAMES.
>: YOU SHOULD HANDCUFF THEIR

333

FEET TOGETHER, AND
THEIR ARMS TOGETHER.
>: OH, NOW

334

THAT WOULD BE GOOD COP,
NAUGHTY COP.
>: AND THEN

335

YOU PUT THEM IN A CHAIR
AND YOU GO, "I KNOW WHAT YOU

336

DID LAST SUMMER."
>: YEAH.

337

>: AND THEN SHE'S LIKE,
WELL COPPER YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO TAKE ME.

338

BUT THEN YOU'RE ALL NAKED.
>: YEP.

339

>: BUT YOU ARE AT THE POLICE STATION,
SO YOU'RE JUST LIKE

340

CAN I JUST HAVE 10 MORE MINUTES.
>: SO THIS FANTASY

341

HAS TO PLAY OUT IN AN ACTUAL POLICE STATION.

342

>: YEAH, YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY GET ARRESTED.
>: WORTH IT THOUGH.

343

>: WELL IF YOU TELL THE COPS
THAT IT'S OK IF THEY WATCH

344

YOU FINGER EACH OTHER.
SEE WE'RE BACK TO THE THING AGAIN.

345

YOU GOTTA-- THE ONLY WAY
TO GET WHAT YOU WANT IS TO MAKE

346

OUT WITH ANOTHER GIRL,
AND PRETEND WE'RE LESBIANS.

347

I'M NOT DOING IT.
>: DID YOU SEE THE
HEADLINE TODAY ABOUT

348

THE WOMAN WHO, UH...
>: STRUCK BY LIGHTING?

349

>: NO, SAW THAT ONE,
BUT STABBED HER ROOMMATE,
BECAUSE

350

HER ROOMMATE WOULDN'T
STOP LISTENING TO THE EAGLES.

351

>: STABBED HER WHERE?
>: IN THE HAND.

352

AND THE WOMAN WAS LIKE,
TURN OFF THE FUCKING EAGLES.

353

>: I BET IT WAS HOTEL CALIFORNIA.
>: AND SHE WAS LIKE, I'M NOT--

354

PROBABLY ON REPEAT.
THE NEXT ONE,
OH THIS WILL BE GOOD

355

FOR THE G-SPOT COFFEE SHOP,
IT'S CALLED THE ESPRESSO.

356

THIS ONE'S HARD.
YOU FACE EACH OTHER
WITH YOU KNEES

357

INTERTWINED STANDING UP,
AND YOUR BODY'S TOUCHING.
SO IT'S BASICALLY--

358

>: HOW?
>: I DON'T KNOW.

359

>: HOW DO YOU STAND WITH
YOUR KNEES INTERTWINED?

360

>: IT'S LIKE EAGLE POSE.
IS THAT A POSE? YEAH.

361

>: YEAH, BUT THEN HOW DO
YOU DO ANYTHING SEXUAL?

362

>: YOU DO IT FIRST--
>: WHY ARE ALL THESE LIKE JUST

363

HUGGING?
>: YOU CAN ONLY GET
OFF IN 3 SECONDS BECAUSE

364

YOU WRAP YOUR KNEES AROUND
EACH OTHER, AND YOU JUST GO...

365

UH... AND YOU JUST FALL.
>: YOU HAVE TO PRAY TO GOD

366

THAT YOU HAVE AN ORGASM
BEFORE YOU FALL ON THE FLOOR.

367

>: YEAH. THESE I DIDN'T WRITE
DOWN, BECAUSE THEY

368

WERE TOO COMPLICATED
FOR WHAT THEY WERE, BUT--

369

SO I JUST WROTE THE TITLES.
THE SEXY SPIDER.

370

>: OH THAT'S--
OH, I KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
WHEN YOU'RE

371

TARANTULA STYLE, LIKE THIS--
>: YEP.

372

>: AND THEN SHE COMES
UNDERNEATH YOU--

373

>: AND YOU TAPE MANNEQUIN
LEGS ALL OVER YOUR BODY.

374

(she laughs)

375

>: THE NEXT ONE'S
THE ROCKIN' ROCKETTE. I JUST

376

ASSUME IT INVOLVES
A LOT OF KICKS.
>: THESE ARE ALL YOGA

377

POSES.
>: THEY REALLY ARE.
THEY ARE ALL YOGA POSES.

378

>: DO A BACKBEND--
>: YEAH.

379

>: DO A REAL POSE WHILE SHE GOES
DOWN ON YOU AND DOGGY STYLE.

380

>: YOU KNOW WHAT,
COSMO OBVIOUSLY
GETS IT WRONG

381

ALL THE TIME, BUT AT LEAST THEY ARE INCLUSIVE ABOUT

382

GETTING IT WRONG ALL THE TIME.
>: WELL I'M GLAD

383

THEY'RE DOING THIS.
>: YEAH.

384

>: YEAH.
>: SO UM, DO YOU WANT TO GO
MAKE AN ESPRESSO.

385

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