Jonathan loves three things - iPhone 6 plus, Olaplex, and 'Game of Thrones.'

Full Credits

Starring - Jonathan Van Ness
Featuring - D'arcy Carden
Also featuring - Wilder Smith and Don Colliver
Directors - Erin Gibson and Matt Mazany
Producers - Matt Mazany and Ross Buran
Writers - Erin Gibson, Jonny Mais, Mark Rennie, Matt Mazany
Editor - John Ford
Director of Photography - Cristina Dunlap
Production Designer - Flower Cole
Gaffer - Jeremy Tuite
Make Up and Hair - Emily Rae
SFX Make Up - Jessica Leigh Schwartz and Charles Wills
Sound Mixer - Danny Carpenter for Botown Sound
Assistant Editor and Graphics - Kat Palardy


[Theme Music Plays]
Jonathan Van Ness: Did you see the Game of Thrones season finale
this week?
D'arcy Carden: [Inaudible]

> How?

> But why?
[Theme Music Plays]

> Oh my god, at the beginning we have Between Jobs Jason Statham
having his own terrible, very bad, no good, fucked up day girl.

> Cut her down.

> [Inaudible] before dawn.

> They led him to the [Inaudible] Just seen him riding out of campus.

> There's going to be a siege, your grace.
(Johnathan): And then Tubby Lubby tells Jon Snow that he's going to
have to go and leave him, and go to grad school at Vassar.

> He's like, "Oh, my."

> Yeah.

> He loves sex now.

> Oh he loves it.

> He's going to get it.

> I'm glad the end of the world is working out for someone.

> And then Orphan Ginge puts on her Queen Amidala jedi cape. She
takes a little stroll over to that tower, and lights her Rescue 911 candle.
But Tilda doesn't see her light the candle, because she's being
distracted by Between Jobs Jason Statham, and she's all reciting
her Wikipedia page.

> I'm Brienne of Tarth.
I was kings guard to Renly Baratheon. I was there when he
was murdered by a shadow with your face.

> And then she like Mortal Kombat's his ass.

> He had it coming.

> He had it coming.
[Sings] He only had himself to blame.
Beyonce would've been so disappointed in Rosamund Pike for being
the anti-feminist when she tried to force Orphan Ginge back to her room.
But Theon wasn't having it so he totally grew his balls back,
and pushed her off, did a solid for her.

> And they jumped. What the hell were they jumping into?

> A trampoline?

> Or like, ball pit?

> So then R. Kelly was going all Brian Wilson down on these poor
baby girls, but the 3rd one was not letting him see her sweat.
Low and behold, it turns out it was baby K-Stew high as fuck on
Polyjuice Potion. Girl, and then she stabs him like a plastic cover
of an Amy's Microwave Meal.

> Yum.

> And then she gets back to black house white market, but St. Francis
knows she killed the wrong person. So he teachers her a lesson
by forcing her to do a really macabre version of Michael Jackson
it doesn't matter if your black or white music video.
["Black or White" by Michael Jackson plays]
(Jonathan): Then meanwhile back in Dorne, Khloe Kardashian is spitting
some mean Nicki Minaj game at used car salesman.

> You want a good girl, but you need bad pussy.

> And then Taylor Swift and Brother D are on a boat.
She totally accepts him for being her Uncle Daddy right as
she's gasping for her last breath.

> Turns out Kris Kardashian liplocked her mom with her poison into Tay Swift.

> She's like, muah, you're dead.

> And then back in Meereen, Solange totally takes a page out of
my book when she tries to be PC window describing Munch Munch.

> [Inaudible]

> [Inaudible]

> And then Hot Josh Groban has to go on a Green Beret mission
so he decides to leave Munchers as the interim president of the city.

> Yes, it was just like when LBJ got put in charge after JFK
flew away on his dragon.

> Yeaah!!

> And then like miraculously Dr. Evil finds Munchers.
They are reunited and it feels so good.

> Uh!

> And then we ran into Edward James Olmos who is super hung over.
All he wants to do is go to brunch, but silly Christina, all she wants
to do is go hike Runyon, but it turns out that was a terrible
idea, because she runs into a posse full of Rex's friends.

> Oh my god, there was so many bros in that scene I thought we
were watching the Entourage movie.
[music plays]

> And then Blonde Cher is doing a little jassy wassy confession
with Barefoot Contessa, and she's totally got her fingers crossed,
and she's going to be free to go. But instead Kathy Najimy and
her evil sisters give her a full blow Silkwood shower, and then
that horrendous Julia Roberts in Hook haircut.
And just when we thought it couldn't get any worse, they make her
walk through a live version of Youtube comments IRL.
[interposing voices]

> Whore!

> Fuck off, you bitch!

> Whore!
[interposing voices]

> Don't you feel that across the world so many straight guys had
very confusing boners in that moment?

> So in that last scene Jon Snow is catching up on her inbox, and then
Baby Tom Hanks barges in, and he's all like, "Come down bath, girl",
but it's a catfish, because they all take turns running a train
on him just stabbing him, left and right.
And then Baby Tom Hanks comes in and Baby Tom Shanks him to take the final blow.

> Uh.

> Oh my god, now that Game of Thrones is over for a little
bit my Sunday nights are going to be so free and available. I'm totally
going to just like eat all of the feelings that I have, that I've
gained over the last 10 weeks. What are you going to do?

> I don't know. I think I'm going to like try reading.

> Yes, honey this is giving me some glue tipped Margaery realness.

> Where are...

> My dragons...
[Screams and Yells]

> What do you want from me?

> Enough, I love the Walking Dead just as much as the next queen,
but there are proper channels you need to go through before
you come in here to pitch me this idea, okay.
And you killed my client before she paid so first of all I need you
to apologize to D'arcy.

> Thank you. Second of all, if you would like to make this happen,
I need you to call my manager Peter Little Finger...

> Let me see your iPhone.

> No girl, that's a 5c. I haven't touched that since like 2012.
I'll text you Peter's number, okay.

> So now that we've got that all sorted out, is there anything else
we can do for you two?
[Dance music plays]