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Crazy Wisdom Films' Warren Miller's Avant-Garde Ski Film, directed by Michael Conti,... more »
Published April 06, 2011 180 views More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Written by Erich Toll, and produced by Alan O'Hashi. Artwork by Catherine Carilli.
3 Funny Votes
0 Die Votes
175 Views
Published April 06, 2011
Warren Miller’s Avant Garde!®
If you don't do it this year, you'll be one year older when you do.

EXT. OFFICE DOOR – NIGHT

Sign reads ‘Warren Miller Productions”

Three film executives sit at table: CHARLIE, MARIA, JIM. Expensive suits, watches, espressos. WARREN MILLER sits quietly to the side, wearing a beret, a ruffled artist’s shirts, and capris.

CHARLIE

Maria, what we got for Q2?


MARIA

Revenue’s up 7.8%, gross profit 11.2%


CHARLIE

(smiling)

That’s great –

(then menacing)

for normal people. Time Warner shareholders expect

grarly growth – like growth so epic your face will melt off.

(pounding desk)


CHARLIE pauses, then laughs. The other execs obsequiously join him.

CHARLIE

(deadly serious again)

Doug, product placement update?


DOUG

We’ve got Joe Camel and Bud Light Buddy in the new kid’s skiing videos…


CHARLIE

Cigarette and beer, in a children’s film?


DOUG nods nervously


CHARLIE

We are winning. Bi-winning!

(beat)

Alright, the next Warren Miller feature, premiering at the

2011 Vail Film Festival. Ideas?


WARREN

(excited)

Well I’ve got this idea…


CHARLIE

Warren, please. You’re here in name only.

(to the executives)

Can I get some winning ideas?


DOUG

(searching)

Uh, how about…like…guys on skis…jumping off cliffs….?


CHARLIE

Nice. Done.


MARIA

And…folksy narration…with family-friendly jokes…?


CHARLIE

(flexing biceps)

Brilliant. We are Vatican assassins!


Warren stands up.

WARREN

But I have a vision, something fresh, something new,

I want to make an art film!


KURT

(aside, to execs)

Here we go again…avant garde, or should I say, avant ski?!


The three execs snort laughs.

WARREN

(continuing)

All my life, I’ve made these campy ski films. But I have this vision –

inspired by Bergman, Kurosawa, Brakhage, It’s only by breaking through…


CHARLIE

(fake cough)

Loser!


…artistic boundaries, that we find ourselves – and true success.

I must express myself as an artist. If I don't do it this year,

I’ll be one year older when I do.


CHARLIE

Uh, Warren you’re making a ski film. No art.


WARREN

I won’t sell out to the man! I…


CHARLIE

(interrupting)

Uh, Warren, you already sold out to the man. Time Warner. We OWN you.

Now listen up, I’m only babysitting this division until I break into features. And there’s

only one kind of film you’ll be making, a SKI film, capiche?


WARREN

But I…


Charlie produces a white rabbit, and puts pistol to its head.

CHARLIE

Capiche? Now get to work, or the ski bunny dies!


Warrren slumps in resignation.

EXT – NIGHT

Warren Miller walks a desolate road. Charles Bukowski, sodium lights. The deepest despair. Suddenly, he smiles, a brilliant idea!

FLASHBACK OR V/O

There’s only one kind of film you’ll be making, a SKI film, capiche?

DISSOLVE TO:

An arty ski film, a skiing art film…

Intangible, black and white images. Abstract close ups and cut aways of ski images. Rhythmic editing.

A rhythmic Phillip Glass-style score.

WARREN
(voice over)
As I caress my boards
With fiery hot crimson wax
And sharpen the blades

And glide through crisp air
On a spider’s web of steel
To the powered peaks

On to the Back Bowls
And the soft magic white carpet
of Blue Sky Basin

Prima and Pronto
The crystal dawning in my mind
Skiing is my soul

DISSOLVE TO

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

The film ends. SILENCE.

FOCUS ON

Warren smiling blissfully.

CUT TO or PULL BACK TO REVEAL

The audience stares silently at Warren Miller’s film, mouths wide open in disbelief. CHARLIE stunned, shaking in anger. One person tentatively starts to CLAP. Others slowly join in, with increasing intensity. Finally, the audience stands and burst into a thunderous standing ovation.

EXT. THEATER – NIGHT

WARREN MILLER exits happily. CHARLIE intercepts him.

CHARLIE

What the hell was that, Warren?! I gave you explicit orders

to make a ski film! I am going to cut off your head and..


BILL LEVASSSEUR cuts in.

BILL

(interrupting)

Mr. Miller, that was absolutely brilliant, I’m, I’m speechless,

On behalf of the Vail Film Festival, we would like to offer you a

contract to make your next film, $100 million budget, anything you want.


CHARLIE

Excuse me, I’m with Time Warner. We own him.


BILL

Oh. Didn’t you get the memo? The Vail Film Festival has had a very

successful 2011 event, and we used the proceeds to acquire

(displaying document with gold seal and blue ribbon)

Time Warner this morning. Oh, and ah, you’re fired.


CHARLIE

Defeat is not an option. You picked a fight with a warlock..


BILL

(clapping hands, chop chop)

Security!


Two guards appear instantly and whisk away CHARLIE.

BILL
So, Mr. Miller, $100 million budget, complete artistic freedom,

just sign on the dotted line.

(handing over contract)


WARREN

(beat, then)

Thanks, Bill, but I’m, I’m gonna pass. All is need is my Olympus

and an artistic muse.


BILL

(smiling, hand to heart)

A genius at work.


Roll credits as festival goers are interviewed.

STONED SNOWBOARDER

The way he captured the fragmented reality of human

consciousness, it was like, like, totally…


CUT TO

SKI BIMBO

Clearly Warren Miller has become the most important filmmaker

of our time. He’s the Bresson, the Herzog of our generation.


CUT TO

STONED SNOWBORDER

…like, totally, you know….


CUT TO

RAD SKIIER

Clearly he’s on a level with Eisenstein and.

Up Next:

Guacamole Party

AUTOPLAY
Up Next In: 10
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