Starring Nick Offerman Featuring Eliza Skinner and Carmina Garay Director - Andy Bush Writer - Eliza Skinner Producer - Matt Mazany Director of Photography - Brian Lane Production Designer - Kyle Smith Production Coordinators - Ross Buran and Pail Heikens Camera Assistant - Ray Lee Key Grip - Shan Liljenstrand Gaffer - Jose Ibarra Swing - Brennan Barsell Art Lead - Vickie Chan Art Assistant - Emily Good Wardrobe Natalie McGuire Groomer - Stephanie Hobgood Hair/Make Up - Brenna Haukedahl Sound Mixer - Mike Robertson PA - Drew Foster Location - Agua Dulce Winery
(a male clears throat)
Nick Offerman: The government tells us we need to offer healthy choices in school lunches,
but what is healthy really?
Is it this, or is it this?
The answer may surprise you.
Welcome to the pizza farm. Where we are hard at work growing the ripe, juicy pizzas your
kids love. What could be healthier than this?
Acres of pizza kissed by the sun stretching as far as the eye can see.
Fresh pepperoni straight from mother earth.
We also have orchards of taquito trees soaking up the minerals and vitamins from
the sun before we pick'em, and deliver them straight to those school lunch trays.
(Young Child): Can I have one?
> You sure you don't want an apple?
> Eww, no way.
> Here you go.
You see, kids know what their body needs.
> My teeth feel soft.
> Go away.
These fields produce hot, moist sloppy joes all year around.
Thanks to the nutrients in the cola we use to water them.
Like mother's milk.
We want all our kids to eat health, all natural foods, so stop pushing gross
fruits and vegetables on'em, and let them dig into fresh picked bushel of hot flaky
> They keep falling off. We can't get these to stick on the branches. So...
> Get the (bleep) out of here.
Listen, if it's on a plant it's good for you. Who cares how it got there.
French fries are practically salads, which is why I like mine with ranch.