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Full Credits

Starring Nick Offerman
Featuring Eliza Skinner and Carmina Garay
Director - Andy Bush
Writer - Eliza Skinner
Producer - Matt Mazany
Director of Photography - Brian Lane
Production Designer - Kyle Smith
Production Coordinators - Ross Buran and Pail Heikens
Camera Assistant - Ray Lee
Key Grip - Shan Liljenstrand
Gaffer - Jose Ibarra
Swing - Brennan Barsell
Art Lead - Vickie Chan
Art Assistant - Emily Good
Wardrobe Natalie McGuire
Groomer - Stephanie Hobgood
Hair/Make Up - Brenna Haukedahl
Sound Mixer - Mike Robertson
PA - Drew Foster
Location - Agua Dulce Winery


(a male clears throat)
Nick Offerman: The government tells us we need to offer healthy choices in school lunches,
but what is healthy really?
Is it this, or is it this?
The answer may surprise you.
Welcome to the pizza farm. Where we are hard at work growing the ripe, juicy pizzas your
kids love. What could be healthier than this?
Acres of pizza kissed by the sun stretching as far as the eye can see.
Fresh pepperoni straight from mother earth.
We also have orchards of taquito trees soaking up the minerals and vitamins from
the sun before we pick'em, and deliver them straight to those school lunch trays.
(Young Child): Can I have one?

> You sure you don't want an apple?

> Eww, no way.

> Here you go.
You see, kids know what their body needs.

> My teeth feel soft.

> Go away.
These fields produce hot, moist sloppy joes all year around.
Thanks to the nutrients in the cola we use to water them.
Like mother's milk.
We want all our kids to eat health, all natural foods, so stop pushing gross
fruits and vegetables on'em, and let them dig into fresh picked bushel of hot flaky
fish fingers.

> They keep falling off. We can't get these to stick on the branches. So...
I-I'm sorry.

> Get the (bleep) out of here.
Listen, if it's on a plant it's good for you. Who cares how it got there.
French fries are practically salads, which is why I like mine with ranch.