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I knows yall thanks I would be a grinch come Crissmus time, but reely, you can be as... more »
Published February 10, 2011 170 views More Info »
Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the trailer park
was all these ungrateful bitches
who didn't get me shits for presents, again.
And I don't give a frog's turd.
I don't!
Fuck you!
You hear me?
Damnit. Fuck you.
I ain't always mean.
That's alright Jack.
You ain't never done me wrong.
Ho Ho Hoooooo,
drankin' buddies!
Boy, I got somethin' that's gonna
deck your fa-la-las tonight,
cause I done wrote y'all a song
for the Christmas festivities.
Cause y'all know that I had that Top #1-
Well, it hit #39-
In Canada and Belgium
back in the seventies-
well, '89...
Mighta been '92.
Now, before I start singin' y'all
my sure fire Christmas hit...
I need to address somethin'.
Some of y'all out there sayin'
that all I does is bitch at folks
and I made me a list
and I checked it twice...
...about all the things I like about Christmas
and I'm just gonna stay positive, y'all.
I like snow,
cause I can cut everybody's electricity off,
save money,
blame it on nature...
I like eggnog, cause-
Ain't nothin' like protein in liquor,
plus I ain't even got to go out
on a date to get it!
I like peppermint schnaaps,
cause then I don't gotta bother
with no mouthwash.
I like sugar plum fairies,
cause y'all all know,
I like the queers.
I like tossin' snowballs with the kiddos,
when they got a rock in middle of 'em!
(cackling laughter)
That makes me so happy
I wanna celebrate the birth of Sanny Claus!
It's showtime, bitches!
Twas the-
Uh, it's...
On the 12th day of Christmas...
Uh, HISI...
...jingle, jingle, jingle...
I got pissed at these things...

'He had like the like the
littlest, littlest pecker ever.'

'All Hail the Squirrel.

'I'm gonna come back here with a whole gang full of
queers and we're gonna fuck your head up sideways!'


'I ain't scared of you Lindsay Lohan.
I dare you-
I dare you to come get in my trailer park.'

'Now do I look like a goddamn reader?'

'You know, it ain't like you can shit out a baby.'

'What vampire do you know that's got that
sparkly-diamondy shit on they face?'

'They makin' this gourmet coffee...
...outta cat turds.'

'Now don't you see that all that means
is there's more pussy for you?'

'You might have a tapeworm,
and if you do, consider yourself lucky.'

'Hey! I'm a crooked pussy!'
Happy Holidays everybody and remember...
If you can get through Christmas without
murderin' somebody,
than that's good enough for Lo.
And that's How I Seize It.
STRANGER: Who the fuck are you?
LORETTA: I wondered who decorated my trailer all purty!
Merry Christmas, idgits!
STRANGER: Jimbo, get the gun!
LORETTA: Let's get outta here!
STRANGER: Come back here!
Get the fuck back here, you whore!
(Loretta laughs.)