Many of your favorite rants were actual written by rant writer Charlie Hoard; here are his stories.

Full Credits

Starring Ty Burrell
Edited by Dustin Bowser
Written by Chris Kula
Directed by Chris Gorham
Cinematography by Christian Sprenger
Produced by Mike Farah
Opening Effects by Sam Winkler
Production Design by Alexi Gomez
Sound by BoTown Sound
Special Thanks to Sandi Trimble

Stats & Data

March 24, 2010


Ty Burrell: Ty: Well, it was 2002,
about a week before the
Ty Burrell: Mike Tyson, Lennox Lewis
fight, and Mike's people
Ty Burrell: came to me, and said,
Ty Burrell: "Charlie, Mike wants to go
a different direction
Ty Burrell: with the press conference.
Can you write something for him?"
Ty Burrell: And I said, I don't know,
that's a tough one...
Ty Burrell: I had a first draft written
before they hung up.
Ty Burrell: And it goes...
[punching sound]
Ty Burrell: I'll put your mother in a
straight jacket, you
Ty Burrell: punk ass
white boy.
Ty Burrell: Come here and tell me that
while I fuck you in your ass,
Ty Burrell: you punk white boy.
Ty Burrell: I'm sorry. I'm not
doing it justice.
Ty Burrell: I'm not a performer.
Ty Burrell: You faggot. You can't
touch me. You're not man enough.
Ty Burrell: I'll eat your asshole
alive you bitch.
Ty Burrell: Fuck you,
you hoe.
Ty Burrell: Come and say it
to my face.
Ty Burrell: I'll fuck your ass in
front of everybody.
Ty Burrell: That's really the climax
of the piece, and then this
Ty Burrell: is the kind of
the [danuma?].
Ty Burrell: You bitch. Come
on you bitch.
Ty Burrell: You scared coward. You're
not man enough to fuck with me.
Ty Burrell: You can't last 2 minutes
in my world bitch.
Ty Burrell: Look at you. You're scared
now, you hoe.
Ty Burrell: Scared like a little white pussy.
Scared of the real man.
Ty Burrell: I'll fuck you to you
love me faggot.
Ty Burrell: I can't tell you how
satisfying it is as a
Ty Burrell: writer to hear your
words come to life.
Ty Burrell: Ty: I had no idea this
was going to be my career.
Ty Burrell: To be honest, I wasn't
even a sports fan.
Ty Burrell: Oops, wrong side.
Ty Burrell: I actually trained
as a playwright.
Ty Burrell: I had a couple of plays run
off of Broad Street in Philly.
Ty Burrell: I was working on
a monologue.
Ty Burrell: I showed it to a friend of mine
who happened to work
Ty Burrell: for the Philadelphia
Ty Burrell: About a week later I get
a screaming phone call:
Ty Burrell: Turn on SportsCenter.
Turn on SportsCenter.
Ty Burrell: I turn on SportsCenter.
Here's a guy I don't
Ty Burrell: even know who it is,
he's doing my monologue.
Allen Iverson: We talking
about practice.
Allen Iverson: Not a game.
Allen Iverson: N-Not the game that
I go out there and die for...
Ty Burrell: I originally had written
a piece as a challenge of
Ty Burrell: a young dancer to his
abusive mother, but
Ty Burrell: with Allen, it
just worked.
Ty Burrell: Anyway, that clip
got a lot of play, and
Ty Burrell: I started getting requests
from other athletes Terrell Owens,
Ty Burrell: Rasheed Wallace,
Ty Burrell: and I've been writing
rants ever since.
Dennis Green: They are we
thought they were.
Dennis Green: And we let them
off the hook.
Ty Burrell: They are who we thought
they were actually came to
Ty Burrell: me in a dream. Till this
day, I still don't have
Ty Burrell: any idea what it means,
but Dennis didn't care at all.
Ty Burrell: He just liked the
way it sounded.
Joe Namath: I want to kiss you.
I couldn't care less about
Joe Namath: the team struggling.
Ty Burrell: Just so,
Ty Burrell: drunk.
Ty Burrell: This was my first attempt
at a non-verbal piece.
Ty Burrell: Minor League Manager
Phillip Wellman was just
Ty Burrell: so open. I just love the power,
the simple emotional
Ty Burrell: power of a
rosin bag.
[he giggles]
Ty Burrell: Ty: As for what's next,
I'm most excited about
Ty Burrell: this ongoing meltdown I'm
producing for Stephon Marbury.
Ty Burrell: He's right now in
[foreign language] province.
Ty Burrell: He's got close to a
billion eyes on him,
Ty Burrell: so when we eventually do
his on air suicide attempt,
Ty Burrell: can you say ESPY
in Chinese?
Ty Burrell: Ka-ching.
Ty Burrell: (laughs) Oh, I did not
mean that to sound...