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Full Credits

Written by and Starring Drew Tarver and Steve Szlaga
Directed, Shot, and Edited by Jon Mackey
Cinematography on "Boy Scouts" by Drew Valenti
Production Design on "Pilots", "Gap Orientation" and "Dads with Daughters" by Sara Higley
VFX on "Pilots" - Ryan Moulton
Sound Mixer: Ryan Kaiser
Sound Mixer "Dads With Daughters" - Chris Bennet With BoTown Sound
Music by Phil Danyew

Stats & Data

Transcript

[CLICK]
[MUSIC]
[BUZZ]
[MUSIC]
And that's basically why I don't
like chocolate pecans anymore.

> Your ex-wife sounds like a trip.

> She's crazy.

> All right, we're at 7000 feet.
Let's write this sky message!

> All right, let me see if I can find it!

> Dang it!

> Dang it!
That had the sky message written on it.
What are we gonna do now?

> We're gonna have to go for memory!
Let's try to think of what
that guy said when he came in.

> Guy?
I thought it was a girl.
Wasn't she carrying a purse?

> That was not a purse.
That was an Herbalife tote.

> Oh, I feel like we should
just write a marriage proposal.
That's what we always do.

> Not always.
We did that Amber Alert.

> Oh yeah.
I can't believe they found her at
the aquarium.

> I sure can.
That is exactly where I would go.

> Okay, well, I definitely know it was
to a girl, and her name started with a P.
What was it?

> Pam, Penny, Panty.

> Panty!

> Was that it?

> No, that's just a really good name.
I'm gonna write it down so I can remember.

> Okay.

> Have you met my daughter, Panty?

> Oh! [WHOOSH] >: Dang it!

> Oh, what happened?

> The piece of paper I
wrote Panty on flew away!

> Oh no, that piece of paper you
write all your favorite names on?

> That's the one!

> I'm sorry about that.
What if we just start the message
off with something like, hey.

> That sounds great.

> [SCREAM]

> Whoo!
Okay.

> And now the hardest part.
The full message.
Maybe we should just write,
will you marry me.

> What if he hates her.

> Why would you spend so
much money on someone you hate?

> Well, remember that time I paid that
man to break all my mom's snow globes?

> Yeah, you still owe me for that.

> Oh yeah.
Say here's your check.

> Oh dang it.

> I'm sorry.

> I'm upset, but
I'm not losing my name sheet upset.

> If it wasn't will you marry me,
what was it?

> Maybe we should just write
something generic, like do you wanna?

> Oh yeah that's good.
Okay.
[SCREAM]

> Oh my gosh.
Now all we gotta figure it
out is who it was from?
It was definitely a man.

> Oh, I know this!
His name started with a D.
I remember because he walked in and he put
a dime on the counter, and I thought dime.
D, like your name, and then I thought,
this better not be one of those guys that
pays for a sky message all in dimes.

> Remember when candy
only used to cost a dime?

> No.

> Yeah, me neither that must be something
specific to an older generation.

> Put a pin in that let's try to
think about names that start with D.

> Okay, okay.
Dale.

> No.

> Die.

> No.

> Danty.

> Danty.

> Was that it?

> No, that's just a really
good companion name to Panty.
I see you've met my daughter Panty, but
have you met my other daughter, Danty?

> Oh, that is nice.

> And me without my name sheet.
Oh!

> I'm so sorry again.
Oh!
What if we just write
from the Herbalife guy?

> That's a really good idea.
It gives it a little bit of specificity.
And right now this message could
be to anyone about anything.

> Okay.
Here we go.
[SCREAM]

> Wait.
Oh no.
I found the message.

> Oh what's it say?

> It was an amber alert.
No.
Dang it.

> Okay.

> All right, yeah, come in.
Have a seat, have a seat guys.
We hope you enjoyed your lunch.
Let's move onto the next
step of GAP Orientation.

> Now, we've already gone
over folding and restocking.
Now, it's time to dive right
into GAP's famous five-star

> Customer service.
Before we begin, we know that birch
run premium outlets, are located in a,
how should we say, specific location.
So we've gone ahead and recorded some role
play demonstrations to show you scenarios
that you will experience.

> And guys, don't worry because we
are gonna use the letters G, A, P.
And the G stands for Guest,
because the guest is always right.
Here we go.

> Hello.
Welcome to the Gap.

> Hi, I need a bird house
to keep my bad thoughts in.

> We don't have anything like that.
But can I interest you
in this chunky pullover?
I'm not late!

> Meth heads!

> As you guys know, there
are approximately 15 halfway houses in
the block surrounding
Birchrun Premium Outlets.
So, running into one of these kooky
customers is going to be quite common.

> Very common.
And that brings us to, A, Assess,
as in access the situation.
Every guest will have a different
solution for their need.
Here we go.

> Oh, hi.
Can I interest you in a crew-necked
striped T-shirt?
Could I interest you in a shir,
oh no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, cheese, cheese,
cheese, cheese, cheese.
Go get it.
[MUSIC]
Rat people.

> Now it's no secret that there is
an ever growing population of rat
people living and thriving in the sewers
beneath Birch Run Premium Outlet.

> And
in that scenario I assess the situation,
and then I coax the rat person
out with some Camembert.

> Camembert!
I though that was brie.

> [LAUGH] I can see your confusion.
Their both surface ripened.

> Surface ripened and that brings us to
P, as in please, as in please the guest.
Sometimes this means going above and
beyond the normal call of duty.
Hear we go.

> All right sir,
here's your 1969 boot cut jeans enjoy.

> [EERIE_MUSIC]

> Straight up ghosts.

> Bertram Premium Outlets
are located in a magnetic
field that make it a hot spot for
paranormal encounters.
But just remember guests and
ghosts are only one letter apart.

> Well that's okay sir I'll just
take down your information and
I'll have it shipped
to your haunted house.
Sir where'd you go?

> I'm right here.

> Oh well you can't
be behind the counter.

> Where's footlocker?

> It's upstairs next
to the lady footlocker.

> Too many footlockers.

> There's actually a kids footlocker too.

> And there you have it guys.
Guess, assess, please,
say it with me, gap.
Yeah.

> All right.
It's time for
one last role play demonstration.
This is a guest that comes in
on very special occasions.

> Here we go.

> Hello, I'm the Queen of England.

> Trannies with dementia.
All right,
now that covers customer service.
You guys are going to head on in to the
conference room where Simone's going to
show you how to do receipts.
Simone they're coming to you for receipts!
Good group.

> Great.

> Really energy.

> Welcome to Dads with Daughters.
Central Florida's number two public
access show for dads with daughters.

> I'm Ed Fountain.

> And I'm Kenny Henry, and boy

> Do we gotta show for you guys today.

> We sure do, but first and
foremost, we wanna apologize for
taking that two week hiatus.

> Yes,
we are currently knee deep in a Mattel toy
boycott that is taking up all of our time.

> These Barbie Dolls
are creating a unrealistic
beauty standard that is impossible
to our little girls to leave up to.
And we have had it's.

> It's time to speak up dads!
I am so sick of Barbie's
unrealistic beauty standard.
That I took my daughter
Greta's Barbie doll.
I put it in the microwave and
reshape the plastic to resemble her.

> Greta's got hip.

> Yes, she does.
And now a Barbie doll does too.

> That's great.
I went ahead and I made an aluminum
foil back brace for this Barbie doll.
Now, Sophia has a friend that
knows what it's like to be self
conscious about your scoliosis.

> Gosh, that looks just like
Sophia's scoliosis back brace.
That's really good Ed.
Now if you are as excited as I am to
take your daughter out on a fun day,
you're gonna love this next segment.
It is called Daddy Daughter Date Ideas.
Here we go.

> Are we taking these or-

> No, leave them.

> Disney's travelling production of
the Lion King is back in southern Tampa
this summer.

> [LAUGH]

> Kenny and
I had the chance to see it
with our daughters last year.

> Pumba and Timon

> That is hilarious.
I'm normally terrified of
people dressed as animals.
But these characters were just people
enough, where it wasn't too bad.

> My daughter Greta she looked up at me,
as we were leaving the theater and
she said, I wanna be an actress daddy.

> Hm.

> And I looked at her and
I said, you can, baby.
You can be anything that you want.

> Do yourself a favor and check it out.

> Now here's another good
daddy daughter date idea.
Color me my.

> Painting is a great way to promote
both conversation and creativity.
You'd be surprised the things your
daughter will open up about with
a brush in her hand.

> Yeah, the other day while
Greta was painting a honey pot,
she told me she's not
afraid of boys anymore.

> And you know these places you could
paint stuff like princesses, cupcakes,
kittens, real cutesie stuff.
But you wanna know what my
Sophia decided to paint?

> A stegosaurus,
because she wants just a dinosaur.
She looked at me and said, daddy these
spikes they use it to confuse and
intimidate their enemies,
is what she said.
Who taught her that?
She's still afraid of boys though.

> You know maybe she'll come around or,
maybe she won't.
Maybe she likes girls.
And, that is totally fine.

> Yes.

> All right.
So now it's time for our next segment.
It's a Q and A segment called Dads
with Daughters with Questions.

> CarasMyAngel@aol.com says,
my daughter wasn't invited to the popular
girl at school's birthday party.
What should I do?

> I tell you what you do CarasMyAngel.
You can congratulate your daughter on
not being apart of the in-crowd and
forging her own path.

> Exactly.

> You wanna know who
gave in to peer pressure?
Amy Winehouse.
And she is dead.

> One day your daughter will
be a fully formed individual and
all the better for it.

> And until then, try a Hunger Games
marathon and a strawberry milk.

> Exactly.
Now it's time for
a brand new segment on Dad's with
Daughters called, what about our sons?

> Yep,
our sons came up to us this morning and
they said

> Daddy could we have a couple minutes
on the show, we said yeah you
do whatever you want sons.
So here we go, take it away sons.

> Hi, I'm Jason David.

> And I'm David Elle, spelled ELLE.

> We loved being boy scouts this summer.

> Mm-hm.
So we prepared a little
number to celebrate
all of the badges that we earned.

> If you love being boy
scouts as much as we do,

> You'll really relate to this.

> Hit it.
[MUSIC]
This tree is so hard to climb!
I just wanna get to the top
of it to escape my haters!

> Is everything okay?

> Yeah, but I can’t get up this tree and
it’s affecting my confidence.

> What would it take for
you to just climb a tree?

> I need someone with climbing expertise.

> I earned the badge,
so I can show you how.

> Let’s get on top of
this wood right now.

> Boy Scouts.

> Sometimes the world just needs us.

> Boy Scouts.

> To help someone in need.

> Boy Scouts.

> And
when you’ve learned these life skills,

> Boy Scouts.

> Then you can succeed.
[MUSIC]

> Oh no, I wandered off the trail and
I'm lost deep in the woods.

> Hi, you look a little turned around.

> I am, I need to get back to my friends
or I'll be stuck out here forever.

> What would it take for
you to just get out of these woods?

> I need someone who knows
their way around them good.

> Look up in the sky,
fine the North Star.

> I'll let you hold my
telescope in the dark.

> Get nasty!

> Boy Scouts.

> Sometimes the world just needs us.

> Boy Scouts.

> To help someone in need.

> Boy Scouts.

> And
when you've learned these life skills,

> Boy Scouts.

> Then you can succeed.
Do you need help tying a knot?

> Or lighting a campfire?

> Don't worry,
the Boy Scouts are here for
all your outdoor desires.
Get nasty!

> Boy Scouts.

> Sometimes the world just needs us.

> Boy Scouts.

> To help someone in need.

> Boy Scouts.

> And
when you've learned these life skills,

> Boy Scouts.

> Then you can succeed.

> Boy Scouts.

> I shoot my bow and arrow.
[WHOOSH]

> Boy Scouts.

> I play my bugle fine.

> Boy Scouts.

> And if you wanna be one,

> Boy Scouts.

> Join Troop 69.

> Fuck you, Dad.

> [ELECTRONIC_NOISE] [ELECTRONIC_NOISE]

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