Peeples say thet reeality shows is the downfall uv sussiety. Well they parently aint... more »
Peeples say thet reeality shows is the downfall uv sussiety. Well they parently aint never seen thet soap opper, Jersee Shores! But I gots a cunnundrum, cant figger out if I wanna drank wit thet bitch Snewkie ar puncher in the face. Hell, maybe I'll do both!
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How's it hangin'?
This here's Loretta Jenkins
bringin' to you all that's ignorant in the world
with my HISIs,
or How I Seize It for all you bitches
out there who can't spell too good.
The other day, this cable man
comes over lookin' for Tappy-
He had the wrong address.
Well, long story shorten...
I pretended I was Tappy!
Still make me sick, but anyways...
I got laid and I got free cable.
And shit, I was excited for a minute
cause I ain't had cable way back since-
Well shit, I don't even rightly know,
but it was back there
when like Night Court was on.
So basically, there ain't nothin' on TV nomores-
Unless you payin' for channels
that's got all that nudie shit on late at nights,
cause on regular TV,
there ain't nothin' on there,
except like...whores lookin' for husbands,
and hoarders with about
fifty dead cats in they house,
or interventions with bitches
suckin' on cans of keyboard cleaner.
or fat fucks exercisin'
and people stranded on a desert island-
And they ain't even gots
no Gilligan on them even!
I mean there ain't nothin' to watch on TV nomores.
I found this real life soap opera on MTV-
Y'all remember that television station
that used to play music videos?
Y'all has got to see these Jersey Whores!
Y'all, this is a heap-helpin'
of dipshit, drama-plagued mother fuckers,
I tell you what...
And I think it's purty pertnear pertinent
that I point out that there is
lots of yankee idgits out there
makin' Southerners look fairly intelligent.
And I think a portion of, if not all of them
Jersey Whores is legally and
It ain't right havin' retarded folks on reality shows.
They talkin' all stoop and ignorant
and mouthy and cussin'
and trashin' they house and they drankin'
and throwin' up on theyselves
and makin' out-
and sometimes more,
but I'm tryin' to keep this HISI family friendly.
LORETTA: Uh, now that I come to think of it,
as much as I hates these bitches,
I bet them fuckers would be pretty cool to hang out with.
So, I gots me a special guest today
from the Jersey show.
Come on in here, Snooki!
You better get your ass in here
before I hand you some eviction papers!
CHRYSTAL: But, I don't know my lines yet!
LORETTA: Shut up! Wait.
You ain't got enough orange on.
CHRYSTAL: Oh don't put no more on-
LORETTA: Shut up!
CHRYSTAL: I'm gonna look like a damn Oompa Loompa.
LORETTA: Oh, shut up. So...
Hi, Snooki! Welcome to my show.
LORETTA: You gotta talk like her, too.
How you doin'? I'm Snooki.
LORETTA: So, thank you, Snooki,
for being a guest on How I Seize It.
Now that we done gone global,
why don't you tell my audience
how much you enjoy my show.
CHRYSTAL: Oh Loretta,
we watch you's all the time.
You so funny and...
LORETTA: Yeah, that's right.
CHRYSTAL: ...so poignant,
and we want you to come party with us.
You are a real mother...
For fuck sake, woman!
What the fuck is that, Snooki?
CHRYSTAL: The babies are up.
I gotta go.
LORETTA: You stay in character, heifer.
The deal was for ten minutes.
CHRYSTAL: We been here for two hours already.
Look! Burt Reynolds!
LORETTA: Hey, Burt!
I still got them panties you signed!
That's a damn wall...
CHRYSTAL: Look, two hours.
Alright, get the fuck out then.
Alright everybody, let's hear it for Chrys-
CHRYSTAL: God, you are so stupid.
I hate you!
I think I knocked her out.
Anyways, y'all tune in next week
where I'm bound to make some of y'all laugh,
and some of y'all think a little more rational
and just piss the rest of y'all off,
but either way...
I'm in there.
That's How I Seize It.