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I aint havin a lotta luck this yeer when goin to the moovees. Ets why I just downlode... more »
Published February 10, 2011 120 views More Info »
Hey!
Goddamnit!
Wait a minute.
Dingle, dingle, dingle...
(magical sounds)
Hey!
It's time for another movie review
here on How I Seize It.
Now y'all remember what happened
to your girl Loretta the last time
I went to the movies
to see that fucked up Twilight.
I ain't never gettin' back
that two hours of my life.
I had to go in a costume this time
so I could get passed that heife
that took my popcorn money.
So everybody's been tellin' me for years,
"Go see this Harry Potter movie!"
So I get in there,
and I don't know what the fuck is goin' on.
And it was like...
Everybody in the movie already already daggum old.
Everybody acts like they done
seen it a hundred times.
And, uh...
Everything was all fuzzy,
and I yelled up there and said,
"Turn them goddamn rabbit ears!"
Some little Harry Potter prissy fuck-nugget
turned around at me and went,
"Shhhhhhh!"
so I was like,
"FFFFFFUCK YOU!"
And the shit on the screen was still blurry,
cause it took me about 20 minutes
to remember to put on
them 3D spectacles the give you,
and so I was like,
"Get some tin foil and a hanger!"
And then that little mother fuggle's momma
turned around to me and said,
"Fuck you and your hanger!"
And I said,
"You the one needed to fuck a hanger.
Then I wouldn't have to look
at that ugly ass youngin of yours!"
(laughs)
(coughs)
And she come at me and I put he
and her kid in the ICU,
and y'all, I ain't kiddin'.
Check out this here battle wound.
He jecked me with his
goddamn Henny Penny wand.
So back here to this movie...
Somebody ought to told me
this movie was about magic and shit,
cause I'd have probably been scared.
I mean, what if that shit was like really for real,
like somethin' out of the Revelation or somethin' like that.
People puttin' the voodoo-mojo on you.
Y'all know what?
This dude one time told me I had voodoo pussy,
and by the time I got my knife
in the third tire of his the next day,
I figured out,
'Shit! He was givin' me a compliment!'
But, I mean, who ever heard
of a girl named 'Hairmonny?'
I ain't never heard that kinda name for a girl.
Now, I heard of Rons and Harrys and such,
and I do see why they call him Hagrid,
cause he does look kinda haggerd.
He kinda dirty and shit...
You know he's packin'!
Don't y'all never think about that?
And they call this shit a kids' movie.
And why the hell they kill off that old dude?
I think it's cruel they killed him again,
cause ain't he done died once?
Ooooh! That main dude, Harry?
I seen him on HungCelebs.com.
Now that there, that's a cool site.
Now you ain't gonna find Brad Pitt on there.
(laughs)
But I did see that Harry dude up there
swingin' his wand around,
like I reckon at some strip club or somethin'.
It look like a propeller on a helicopter.
I ain't kiddin' y'all.
It was like dingle, dangle...
No it was like-
It wasn't no dingle, dangle.
It was like Dangle, Dangle!
(laughs)
Y'all will like it.
I promise. Y'all will.
Daggum movie business has turned
everybody into little Lindsays.
But he does have a big old
set of balls on him-
I reckon I can say that.
I mean, he is eighteen, right?
Shit, it don't matter no way.
If they's grass on the infield,
it's time to play ball.
So after the movie,
I went to go complain to my friend Shooter,
cause he like a freak about these cult movies.
And he told me there's
like 20 other movies out before this one!
And he gimme a stack of books sayin',
"Here. Read this here."
Now do I look like a goddamn reader?
(burps)
I would recommend this movie
to anybody who ain't got nothin'
better to do or who ain't got no life
and that's How I Seize It.
Dangle, dangle, dingle, dingle...
AUTOPLAY
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