Funny Or Die Presents Donald Trump's The Art Of The Deal: The Movie

• • 

  • Johnny Depp

  • Actor
• • 

  • Ron Howard

  • Actor
• • 

  • Alfred Molina

  • Actor
• • 

  • Robert Morse

  • Actor
• • 

  • Patton Oswalt

  • Actor
• • 

  • Jack McBrayer

  • Actor
• • 

  • Michaela Watkins

  • Actor
• • 

  • Henry Winkler

  • Actor
• • 

  • Stephen Merchant

  • Actor
• • 

  • Christopher Lloyd

  • Actor
• • 

  • Kristen Schaal

  • Actor
• • 

  • Andy Richter

  • Actor
• • 

  • Paul Scheer

  • Actor
• • 

  • Rob Huebel

  • Actor
• • 

  • Jason Mantzoukas

  • Actor
• • 

  • Tymberlee Hill

  • Actor
• • 

  • Alf

  • Actor
• • 

  • Alex Scordelis

  • Actor
• • 

  • Ron Funches

  • Actor
• • 

  • Jordan Coleman

  • Actor
• • 

  • Joe Nuñez

  • Actor
• • 

  • Jennie Pierson

  • Actor
• • 

  • Parker Seaman

  • Actor
• • 

  • Jeremy Konner

  • Director
• • 

  • JoeRandazzo

  • Writer
• • 

  • Kenny Loggins

  • Music - Main Theme
• • 

  • #FODTrumpMovie

  • Movie
• • 

  • Funny Or Die

  • Uploader
• • 

  • Owen Burke

  • Executive Producer
• • 

  • Chris Bruss

  • Executive Producer
• • 

  • Ally Hord

  • Producer
• • 

  • Matt Pittman

  • Producer
• • 

  • Marty Cramer

  • Editor
• • 

  • PatB

  • Additional Editor
• • 

  • Jordy Scheinberg - Wardrobe Stylist

  • Wardrobe Stylist

[theme music playing]
[music playing]
Ron Howard: Hi, I'm Ron Howard, and
you can probably guess
Ron Howard: that I love film. From silent
picture master pieces to
Ron Howard: action films of the present
day to the one we'll
Ron Howard: be watching tonight:
Ron Howard: The Art of the Deal.
Ron Howard: Thought to be lost in the
Cybill Shepherd blouse fire
Ron Howard: of 1989, the Art of the Deal
was a TV movie, based
Ron Howard: on the best selling Donald
Trump autobiography of
Ron Howard: the same name.
Ron Howard: In fact, it was written,
directed, and stars
Ron Howard: Donald Trump himself.
Ron Howard: But the Art of the Deal
was almost never seen.
Ron Howard: It was preempted by
Monday Night Football
Ron Howard: in 1988. Crappy game too.
Colts versus Browns.
Ron Howard: Every score was a safety.
Browns won 4 to 2.
Ron Howard: Trump was furious, and
vowed never to air his masterpiece.
Ron Howard: He disappeared for decades
until last summer
Ron Howard: when it turned up at a yard
sale outside Phoenix, Arizona.
[music continues]
Ron Howard: I had to physically
wrestle it from a nice
Ron Howard: woman named Jenny.
Much stronger than she looked.
Ron Howard: Very persistent.
Ron Howard: I'm not proud of what
happened, but what's done is done.
Ron Howard: It's mine now.
Ron Howard: So tonight, this classic
portrait of a New York
Ron Howard: real estate mogul at the
height of his reign, made
Ron Howard: by the man himself will
be shown in it's entirety
Ron Howard: for the very
first time.
[he blows air]
Ron Howard: Ladies and gentleman,
Ron Howard: The Art of the Deal.
[music playing]
Johnny Depp: On my 10th birthday
I saw something
Johnny Depp: that changed my life.
A picture of a kid standing
Johnny Depp: in front of the Taj Mahal.
Johnny Depp: It was gorgeous.
Johnny Depp: It was huge.
Johnny Depp: And it was easily the classiest
thing ever built by a Muslim.
Johnny Depp: So I vowed that day to
buy my own Taj Mahal.
Johnny Depp: And 30 years later,
I got my chance.
Johnny Depp: This one was even classier
because it was a casino.
Johnny Depp: And it was in a place way more
beautiful than India, New Jersey.
Johnny Depp: It was the Taj Mahal
Casino in Atlantic City,
Johnny Depp: but it was owned by the notoriously, tight ass Merv Griffin.
Johnny Depp: So getting it would take more than
my normal deal-making, genius super powers.
Johnny Depp: It would take the
art of the deal.
Johnny Depp: This is that story,
in movie form,
Johnny Depp: based on my best selling book,
which was in best selling book form.
Johnny Depp: This is "The Art of the Deal."
Okay?
(Singing)
♪ The Art of the Deal ♪
[music playing]
♪ Some guys are poems
with beautiful words ♪
♪ Some guys sing songs
about flowers and birds ♪
♪ But that ain't
who I am ♪
♪ That kind of
crap ain't me ♪
♪ Some guys are sculptured
in plastic and steel ♪
♪ Some losers paint paintings,
abstract and surreal ♪
♪ I don't get it ♪
♪That kind of
crap ain't me ♪
♪ Can't you see ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ The only art I've
ever been able to feel ♪
♪ Is the only art
that matters ♪
♪ The art of the deal ♪
[music plays]
Hey!
Put down that bestselling book!
(QUIETLY) Damn.
Johnny Depp: That is a hell of a book.
Emjay Anthony: You've read it?
Johnny Depp: Kid, I lived it.
Johnny Depp: And then, of course, I
took credit for writing it.
Emjay Anthony: Holy cowabunga.
Emjay Anthony: You're Donald Trump.
Johnny Depp: That is my name and you
cannot wear it out, trust me.
Johnny Depp: You must really want this book.
Emjay Anthony: All the stores are sold out.
Johnny Depp: Do you know that this is
the second bestselling
Johnny Depp: book of all time,
after the Bible, which
Johnny Depp: took 12 guys to write.
Johnny Depp: And you know what, it's
boring very boring.
Female Voice: Mr. Trump, I've got Merv
Griffin on the line for you.
Johnny Depp: Merv Griffin.
Johnny Depp: Why did you not say so, Deborah?
Female Voice: It's Gloria.
Johnny Depp: Deborah!
Emjay Anthony: The Merv Griffin
the singer, the actor,
Emjay Anthony: the creator of "Wheel of
Fortune" and "Jeopardy!"?
Johnny Depp: Merv Griffin owns a Taj
Mahal in Atlantic City.
Johnny Depp: Now this is a place
I have dreamt
Johnny Depp: about owning since before
I had orange pubic hair.
Johnny Depp: It's my chance
at immortality.
Johnny Depp: But I can't let him know how much
I want it because then he'll
Johnny Depp: have all the leverage.
You see what I'm saying?
Johnny Depp: That is Trump Card
Element of the Deal number 1.
Johnny Depp: Use your leverage.
[music playing]
Johnny Depp: Put him through!
Female Voice: I already did.
You're on speaker.
Patton Oswalt: Aloha, Donald.
Patton Oswalt: I'm wearing a headset, so I
don't have to hold anything.
Patton Oswalt: What a world.
Johnny Depp: Well, that's good.
You know why?
Johnny Depp: Because I wanted you
to hear all that.
Patton Oswalt: Well, that's good because I did.
Johnny Depp: Good.
Patton Oswalt: Good.
Johnny Depp: Good.
Patton Oswalt: Good.
Johnny Depp: Good.
Patton Oswalt: Good.
Johnny Depp: Did you know that Shah
Jahan built the Taj Mahal
Johnny Depp: as a tomb for his third wife
when he was 40 years old.
Johnny Depp: Now, I am 40 today, and
I don't have a thing
Johnny Depp: to bury my
wife in.
Patton Oswalt: It's not like you
to get emotional
Patton Oswalt: about business, Donald.
Johnny Depp: I want the Taj Mahal.
Johnny Depp: This is not just a a
deal for a casino, Merv.
Johnny Depp: It's a deal for my soul.
Patton Oswalt: Sounds like this
is your, Rosebud.
Johnny Depp: What?
Patton Oswalt: Rosebud, from
from "Citizen Kane."
Johnny Depp: I don't follow.
Patton Oswalt: It's a classic movie
about a megalomaniac who
Patton Oswalt: runs for office and ends
up destroying everyone
Patton Oswalt: around him, just to
regain a piece of his soul
Patton Oswalt: that was taken away
from him in childhood.
Johnny Depp: Why are you saying this?
Johnny Depp: This is like a snooze.
I'm going to fall asleep.
Patton Oswalt: You should really watch it.
Johnny Depp: I'd rather swallow
a bag of hair, Merv.
Patton Oswalt: Didn't you want to make a deal?
Johnny Depp: Oh, yeah.
Johnny Depp: You know, speaking of which, I
heard that "Let's Make a Deal"
Johnny Depp: is killing "Wheel of
Fortune" in the ratings.
Patton Oswalt: That son of a bitch Nielsen.
Patton Oswalt: He's had it out for me
ever since I beat him
Patton Oswalt: at tennis in '49.
Patton Oswalt: Well, he's not
getting a rematch,
Patton Oswalt: and you're not getting
the Taj Mahal, Trump.
Johnny Depp: Merv!
Patton Oswalt: I'd rather sell it to a group
of Japanese business robots.
Johnny Depp: Don't you say that.
Patton Oswalt: I'd rather sell it to an A-rab.
[chuckles]
Patton Oswalt: So Allahu Akbar, Donald.
And good luck with your soul.
[splash]
Johnny Depp: I want the Taj Mahal!
Johnny Depp: I want the Taj Mahal!
[sighs]
Female Voice: Just a reminder that you're
meeting with the Genevieve family
about that commit shipment
tomorrow at 9:00,
Robert Durst called and said,
he put the thing in the thing.
He says you knows
what he means.
That actress in Maximum
Overdrive is named Marla Maples.
You've got that [inaudible] appointment at noon,
and you are no longer a registered Democrat.
Johnny Depp: Is that it?
Female Voice: Yes, sir.
Johnny Depp: (WHISPERING) No one
called about my birthday?
Female Voice: No, Mr. Trump.
Johnny Depp: Did anyone send anything?
Female Voice: No. Nothing.
Johnny Depp: Not even OJ?
Come on.
Johnny Depp: He always gives me
those Isotoners.
Female Voice: Sorry, sir.
Emjay Anthony: Boy, that's sad.
Johnny Depp: That is not sad.
Johnny Depp: I am too busy to be sad, kid.
Johnny Depp: Let me tell you who I've
talked to so far this week, OK?
Johnny Depp: Lee Iacocca, listen, we
are both rich white men.
Johnny Depp: Why don't we buy some
condos in Fort Lauderdale?
Johnny Depp: Tell Mayor Ed Koch that he's
a scum-sucking fuck-pig,
Johnny Depp: and I'm going to shove
this billing so far
Johnny Depp: up his fucking Jewish ass,
he will be shitting I-beams!
Johnny Depp: All right. Thanks, Dad.
Love you.
Johnny Depp: I want my daughter to grow
up and be someone that I
Johnny Depp: would totally
have sex with.
Johnny Depp: Mr. Gorbachev, tear
down this wall.
Johnny Depp: I can build you
a much nicer one.
Johnny Depp: It's called real
estate, not beg-estate.
Johnny Depp: You're supposed to
avoid the Noid, a-hole.
Johnny Depp: Look, if he's stuck in
quicksand, Jermaine, he's gone.
Johnny Depp: Slow them, Jerry.
Johnny Depp: Konichiwa, sensei.
Johnny Depp: Sue them!
Johnny Depp: Merv, you have got to change
your mind about the Taj Mahal.
Johnny Depp: I mean, but don't change
it too soon because we
Johnny Depp: need that tension in the plot.
Johnny Depp: All right.
Johnny Depp: Larry, stop the montage.
Johnny Depp: Successful people are
always on the phone,
Johnny Depp: even if there's no
one on the other end.
Johnny Depp: It's another gem from
my book, by the way.
Johnny Depp: Get the word out.
[music playing]
Johnny Depp: (VOICEOVER) I first started
to master the art of the deal
Johnny Depp: back in 1966, when I was
at Wharton Business School.
Johnny Depp: So while other kids were
busy smoking reefers
Johnny Depp: and contracting
herpes in Saigon,
Johnny Depp: I was studying
foreclosure notices
Johnny Depp: so that I could be a real
estate mogul, just like my dad.
Emjay Anthony: My dad died in Vietnam.
Emjay Anthony: He was a hero.
Johnny Depp: I would say it's a little bit
more heroic not to get killed.
Johnny Depp: I had my own Vietnam.
Johnny Depp: I had to start up with
nothing but the shirt
Johnny Depp: on my back and a small
million-dollar loan
Johnny Depp: from my father.
Emjay Anthony: How awful.
Johnny Depp: Do you know that it was barely
enough to buy a nice building
Johnny Depp: on Central Park South?
Johnny Depp: Can you believe it?
Johnny Depp: I wanted to demolish
it, but you know,
Johnny Depp: the tenants were
rent controlled.
Johnny Depp: Rent-controlled apartments
on Central Park South?
Johnny Depp: What a bunch of
wealthy freeloaders.
Johnny Depp: I had to get rid
of them somehow.
Johnny Depp: (VOICEOVER) Otherwise,
I would never be
Johnny Depp: able to tear that ugly building down.
Johnny Depp: (VOICEOVER) Chapter One The art of
intimidating rent controlled tenants.
[music plays]
Johnny Depp: (VOICEOVER) That is when I literally
bumped into my stinky answer.
[spits]
Johnny Depp: Could you go and be
homeless somewhere else?
Johnny Depp: Don't touch my food.
Jason Mantzoukas: You'll never get
the Taj Mahal.
Johnny Depp: What did you just say?
Jason Mantzoukas: I said, help a
brother out, will you?
Johnny Depp: (VOICEOVER) I had a sensational idea to move some of those
Johnny Depp: dirty homeless in, to scare those rent control cry babies out.
Johnny Depp: I got an idea.
Johnny Depp: I think you could help me out.
Jason Mantzoukas: Whoa.
Jason Mantzoukas: Is that a hundred-dollar bill?
Johnny Depp: You're goddamn right it's
a hundred-dollar bill.
Jason Mantzoukas: Wow.
Jason Mantzoukas: Wow.
Johnny Depp: Do you like, uh,
pissing indoors?
Johnny Depp: How would you like
to piss indoors
Johnny Depp: for $100 in Central
Park South?
[homeless man laughing]
Johnny Depp: Huh?
Jason Mantzoukas: Truth be told, a lot of
it's going to be blood.
Johnny Depp: Nice to know.
Johnny Depp: Always nice to know.
Johnny Depp: So you're prepared.
Emjay Anthony: (KID TALKING) So you
paid the homeless people
Emjay Anthony: to piss and poop
in your building
Emjay Anthony: to make the tenants leave?
Johnny Depp: (VOICEOVER) I wanted to.
Johnny Depp: But the city wouldn't let me.
Emjay Anthony: All's you were trying
to do was help.
Johnny Depp: (VOICEOVER) No kidding.
Emjay Anthony: Everyone was out to get me.
Johnny Depp: (VOICEOVER) Chapter Two: The art of
defeating totally bogus discrimination lawsuits.
Johnny Depp: Okay?
Johnny Depp: Mayor Koch, you
gotta be kidding me.
Johnny Depp: I, Donald J. Trump, am being
sued for discriminating
Johnny Depp: against minorities.
Henry Winkler: It's all part of my liberal
agenda there, Donald.
Johnny Depp: I love minorities!
Johnny Depp: They're exotic.
Johnny Depp: They're sensual
especially the Asians.
Henry Winkler: It's not the Asians.
Johnny Depp: Is it the Jews?
Johnny Depp: They're my absolute favorites.
Johnny Depp: Come on.
They go to Briseis just
for fun sometimes.
Johnny Depp: Look at this.
Johnny Depp: This says, "I had fun at Josh
Lowenstein's Bar Mitzvah."
Johnny Depp: And I truly did because
it was sensational.
Johnny Depp: The gefilte fish
[blows raspberry]
Henry Winkler: Well, I think we were talking
about the African-Americans you
Henry Winkler: won't rent to, Donald.
Henry Winkler: That is the problem.
Johnny Depp: Look, Koch.
Johnny Depp: New York should be a
place where everyone
Johnny Depp: no matter their race,
religion, creed, color
Johnny Depp: can be priced out of
their own neighborhood.
Johnny Depp: Not this hellhole
where the wealthy elite
Johnny Depp: live in fear of
rent control.
Henry Winkler: I'm just a stupid politician.
Henry Winkler: I don't have your
intellectual prowess.
Henry Winkler: Now, you know what?
Henry Winkler: Maybe a savvy
businessman one day
Henry Winkler: is going to be mayor of this
beautiful city president
Henry Winkler: of the United States, even.
Henry Winkler: But until that
happens, I am going
Henry Winkler: to make sure you don't succeed.
Johnny Depp: Let me tell you something.
Johnny Depp: Your episode of
"SNL" sucked.
Johnny Depp: Sucked.
[gargling sound]
Henry Winkler: I'm gonna watch it on tape.
Johnny Depp: I could do much better!
Johnny Depp: Donald J. Trump
could do much better.
Johnny Depp: I don't judge a person based
on the color of their skin
Johnny Depp: or their tendency toward
rape, or even the color
Johnny Depp: they dye their hair.
Johnny Depp: I mean, I judge
them based on how
Johnny Depp: they affect property values.
Emjay Anthony: I don't understand.
Johnny Depp: Do you see this thing
taking my measurements?
Johnny Depp: She has what you
call "curb appeal."
Johnny Depp: Any tenant would be pleased to
see her outside his building,
Johnny Depp: trust me.
Emjay Anthony: OK.
Johnny Depp: Get the inseam again.
Johnny Depp: So by day, it was
me against the city.
Johnny Depp: But by night, it
was me and the city.
Johnny Depp: Cue the montage, Larry!
Johnny Depp: (VOICEOVER) The streets of New York
were my playground,
Johnny Depp: but my office was the
most exclusive nightclub
Johnny Depp: on the planet, Le Club.
Johnny Depp: It's where powerful white men wined
and dined to get things done.
Johnny Depp: But because I was such a notorious running stag.
Johnny Depp: they only let
me join under one condition.
Rob Huebel: Promise me that you won't
sleep with any of the other club
Rob Huebel: members' wives.
Johnny Depp: (IMITATING ARNOLD JACKSON) What
you talking 'bout, club boss?
[laughing]
Rob Huebel: "Different Strokes."
Johnny Depp: "Different Strokes."
Rob Huebel: Great show.
Johnny Depp: If I own that
building, I would never
Johnny Depp: have allowed that rich white man
to adopt those black children.
Rob Huebel: Of course not.
Rob Huebel: Donald--
Johnny Depp: Hmm?
Rob Huebel: The members of the
club are nervous.
Johnny Depp: Nervous?
Rob Huebel: About you.
Rob Huebel: They can't compete with someone
so young and good-looking,
Rob Huebel: smart, charming as you.
Rob Huebel: I'm not done.
Rob Huebel: Dynamite hair.
Rob Huebel: Cool teeth.
Rob Huebel: Sweet breath.
[Donald blows]
Rob Huebel: Big, hairy dick.
Rob Huebel: I'm not done.
Rob Huebel: Awesome name Trump.
Rob Huebel: Smart blue blazer.
Johnny Depp: Mm.
Rob Huebel: Cool pin and tie.
Rob Huebel: Killer brows.
Rob Huebel: The whole shebang.
Rob Huebel: So what do you say?
Rob Huebel: No sleeping with
other people's wives.
Johnny Depp: Deal.
[both laugh]
Rob Huebel: Let's celebrate with
a couple martinis.
Rob Huebel: Sheila!
Johnny Depp: No, I don't drink drinks.
Johnny Depp: I only drink women, sexually.
Johnny Depp: And I don't let my
lips touch the glass,
Johnny Depp: if you know what I mean.
Rob Huebel: I'm not sure that I do.
Johnny Depp: Well, [chuckles] I digressed.
Johnny Depp: Terribly sorry about it.
Johnny Depp: Excuse me.
Johnny Depp: I noticed you from
across the room, okay.
Johnny Depp: Roy Cohn, right-hand man
to Senator Eugene McCarthy,
Johnny Depp: who sold out his
fellow Americans
Johnny Depp: during the communist
witch hunt of the 1950s.
Johnny Depp: That Roy Cohn?
Paul Scheer: That's me.
[chuckles]
Johnny Depp: (VOICEOVER) Roy Cohn
was just the kind of savage
Johnny Depp: I needed to help me beat
those discrimination charges.
Johnny Depp: He was a real straight-shooter,
I mean emphasis on "straight."
Johnny Depp: I just want tenants
who pay their rent,
Johnny Depp: and don't play all that
stuff that will eventually
Johnny Depp: be called "rap music."
Johnny Depp: (VOICEOVER) Roy mutilated
the government's case, okay.
Johnny Depp: And we never had to admit that
we refused to rent to black people.
Johnny Depp: That felt great.
Johnny Depp: Which is another Trump Card
Element of the Deal, fight back.
[music playing]
Johnny Depp: Which we did.
Johnny Depp: And that was all thanks to
Roy Cohn, saint of a man.
Emjay Anthony: Whatever happened to him?
Johnny Depp: He died of AIDS alone,
unloved, and terrified.
Alfred Molina: And thank god for AIDS.
Alfred Molina: Otherwise I wouldn't
be your attorney.
Johnny Depp: Kid, Jerry Schrager,
one of the top Jew
Johnny Depp: real estate lawyers in
all of New York City.
Alfred Molina: How you doing, kid?
Johnny Depp: This guy's I mean, he's an
absolute Jewish animal when it
Johnny Depp: comes to making deals
for his top client,
Johnny Depp: me, who's not Jewish--
Alfred Molina: That's right.
Johnny Depp: He will bite off your pecker.
Johnny Depp: Won't you, Jerry?
[laughs]
Alfred Molina: Yeah, well, it's
a tough business.
Johnny Depp: Show him your teeth, Jerry.
Alfred Molina: Mr. Trump?
Johnny Depp: Show the kid your
cock-chompers!
[grunts]
Johnny Depp: Show him you'll bite
someone's pecker off.
Emjay Anthony: Oh, Mr. Trump,
that's OK.
Johnny Depp: No, it's important.
Johnny Depp: Jerry, go ahead and
be realistic about it. Come on.
[chuckles nervously]
[makes gnawing sound]
Johnny Depp: Growl a little.
Get into it.
[growls]
Johnny Depp: All right. Don't,
don't eat it.
[mutters indistinctly]
Johnny Depp: I'm trying to
make a point.
Johnny Depp: Kid, grab a
wastebasket please.
Johnny Depp: Give me that scumbag that
cleans shit up in here.
[spits]
(QUIETLY) Hi.
Oh, God.
[chokes]
[makes vomiting sound]
Alfred Molina: We need to talk about your
testimony for tomorrow's court appearance.
Johnny Depp: Just bite their peckers off,
Jerry, like you always do.
[stomach growling]
Johnny Depp: Excuse me.
Alfred Molina: That's a hell of a guy right
there, and a fantastic client.
Alfred Molina: We're suing currently
,721 people or entities.
Alfred Molina: Let me take you through
them in painstaking detail.
[music]
[grunts]
[exhales loudly]
Johnny Depp: Fuck it.
Johnny Depp: Happy birthday, Donald Trump.
[sitar playing]
Johnny Depp: You're a winner.
You'll never get the Taj Mahal.
[laughs menacingly]
Johnny Depp: No. No.
Johnny Depp: I am not a loser.
Johnny Depp: I'm a winner.
[screams]
Johnny Depp: No!
Johnny Depp: No.
Johnny Depp: I don't want to be a loser.
Johnny Depp: I want to be a winner.
Johnny Depp: A Winner.
Johnny Depp: A winner.
Johnny Depp: That was very emotional.
Johnny Depp: I mean, almost vulnerable.
Johnny Depp: I think I just had
an Oscar moment.
Johnny Depp: I have got to get
the Taj Mahal.
[grunts]
[toilet flushing]
Alfred Molina: And of course, we're suing Ms.
Reynolds' second grade class
Alfred Molina: for copyright infringement.
[door closes]
Johnny Depp: Best shit of my life.
Johnny Depp: No problem there.
Johnny Depp: I mean, I shit easily.
Johnny Depp: World class Trump-dom.
Alfred Molina: I was just telling the kid here
about the art of suing people.
Emjay Anthony: It just seems like
whoever has the most money
Emjay Anthony: and the most Jewish lawyers
has an unfair advantage.
Johnny Depp: Exactly.
Alfred Molina: See, now you're getting it, kid.
Alfred Molina: You know, suing someone, that's
the most beautiful thing one
Alfred Molina: human being can do to
another human being.
Johnny Depp: You don't look convinced.
[beep]
Johnny Depp: Doris, get me the Fat Boys.
Johnny Depp: Oh, you've heard of them?
Emjay Anthony: I love them.
Joe Nunez: Yo, Mr. Trump.
What's up?
Jordan Coleman: What up, Trump?
Ron Funches: Hey, Mr. Trump.
Hey, white kid.
Johnny Depp: Fat Boys, I brought
you here to give us
Johnny Depp: one of your fabulous
and sensational raps.
Ron Funches: Yes, sir.
Jordan Coleman: It's all we got.
Joe Nunez: All right.
[rap music playing]
(RAPPING)
♪ When you
got a little problem, ♪
♪ and you can't work it out
with a banker, a tenant, ♪
♪ or even a spouse there's just
one place that you should go, ♪
♪ where the floors are marble and
the halls are hallowed ♪
♪ Chump does you wrong, and
you want to tell the world ♪
♪ Or you seek damages
that you deserve. ♪
There's just one thing
that you have to do.
S-U-E, homeboy.
Sue.
Sue.
Sue.
♪ The court-laws, affidavits,
Chapter 13 ♪
♪ these are just a few of
our favorite things ♪
♪ So don't smear our name or
break your contract ♪
♪ or you'll find yourself
in court just like that ♪
♪ Lawsuit ♪
♪ Lawsuit ♪
♪ Lawsuit Rap ♪
♪ Lawsuit ♪
♪ Lawsuit ♪
♪ Lawsuit Rap ♪
♪ Lawsuit ♪
♪ Lawsuit ♪
♪ Lawsuit Rap ♪
♪ Lawsuit ♪
♪ Lawsuit ♪
♪ Lawsuit Rap ♪
[music stops]
Alfred Molina: You know, seeing you
and the Fat Boys rapping
Alfred Molina: like that reminds me of the
biggest lawsuit you ever had.
Johnny Depp: Oh, you mean the...
Alfred Molina: Yeah.
Alfred Molina: Yeah, I'm talking about a
little bit organization called...
[chuckles]
Johnny Depp: The NFL.
Johnny Depp: That's right.
Johnny Depp: (VOICEOVER) Chapter Three: The art of
suing those losers at the NFL.
Alfred Molina: (VOICEOVER) A few years ago, Mr. Trump had
a bunch of money lying around,
Alfred Molina: so he brought a team in the
United States Football League
Alfred Molina: called the New Jersey Generals.
Alfred Molina: They almost got
Lawrence Taylor, but he
Alfred Molina: slipped in cocaine into
his head and forgot
Alfred Molina: to sign the contract.
Johnny Depp: See, I wanted to take on the
NFL, helmet to helmet-hair.
Johnny Depp: And they were not
happy about it,
Johnny Depp: okay, because of course,
they're losers.
[beep]
Female Voice: I've got that fat slob
Pete Rozelle on the line.
Johnny Depp: Morning, Pete.
Johnny Depp: Still as inept as ever I hope.
Andy Richter: I trust you've given up
on your silly fantasy
Andy Richter: of moving the USFL season
from the spring to the fall.
Johnny Depp: Not only have I not given up, I
am challenging the NFL head on.
Johnny Depp: I just need to get the
TV rights to do it.
Andy Richter: Well, you will never get them.
Andy Richter: We own the networks
ABC, CBS, NBC.
Andy Richter: You're making a big
mistake here, Trump.
Johnny Depp: Actually, I'm making the
opposite of a mistake.
Johnny Depp: It's a good-stake.
Johnny Depp: I'll see you in court.
[grunts]
[whimpers]
Johnny Depp: So I sued the NFL for
breaking antitrust laws.
Tymbeerlee Hill: Your witness, Mr. Trump.
Johnny Depp: Ladies and gentlemen of the
jury, your honor, Spuds.
Johnny Depp: Mr. Rozelle, isn't
it true that you
Johnny Depp: pledged to, quote, "destroy the
United States Football League,"
Johnny Depp: which is a league
that people love?
Johnny Depp: (VOICEOVER) Whereas as I was
well-spoken and handsome,
Johnny Depp: Rozelle was a fat,
sweaty, turd
Johnny Depp: who literally barfed on
himself in the middle of court.
Johnny Depp: I mean, who does that?
Johnny Depp: But none of us were prepared
for what happened next.
Becky Robinson: We, the jury, find
the defendant,
Becky Robinson: the National Football League...
Emjay Anthony: Well?
What happened?
[sighs]
Johnny Depp: I'm sorry.
Johnny Depp: I get emotional
telling this story.
Johnny Depp: It's just one of
my few weaknesses.
Johnny Depp: I love justice.
Alfred Molina: And that's rare these days.
Johnny Depp: Speaking of rare,
this is a prototype
Johnny Depp: for a new line of Trump Steaks.
Johnny Depp: This is the finest meat
anywhere since Kelly McGillis from "Top Gun."
Johnny Depp: Try some.
Emjay Anthony: Do you got
any salsa?
Johnny Depp: Salsa, on an
American steak?
Alfred Molina: Whoa, whoa.
Easy, kid.
Johnny Depp: What's your name again?
Emjay Anthony: José.
Johnny Depp: It's not working
out with this kid.
Johnny Depp: Let's go to a commercial.
Male Voiceover: Trump the game.
Albert Tsai: So was the NFL violating
antitrust laws?
Becky Robinson: We, the jury, find the
defendant, the National
Becky Robinson: Football League,
Becky Robinson: guilty.
Becky Robinson: They are absolutely, 100% guilty.
[barks]
Tymbeerlee Hill: I happen to totally agree.
Tymbeerlee Hill: And what have you decided to
award the plaintiff in damages?
Becky Robinson: We award damages in
the amount of $1.
Johnny Depp: It was a symbolic gesture
and a slap in the face.
Alfred Molina: It was no big
whoop to Mr. Trump.
Alfred Molina: He's a billionaire.
Johnny Depp: No, the real victims were
those poor, dumb fans
Johnny Depp: with nothing else to live for.
Michaela Watkins: Oh, my aching foots.
Johnny Depp: Ivana, my darling, don't
talk about your aching foots.
Johnny Depp: Kid, the love of
my life.
Johnny Depp: My wife, the Czechoslovakian
immigrant, Ivana Trump.
Albert Tsai: Are you a princess?
Michaela Watkins: Not hardly.
Michaela Watkins: Sir Donald has me working
all the day at the casino.
Johnny Depp: What she's talking about is the
most elegant sensational Trump
Johnny Depp: Castle in Atlantic City.
Johnny Depp: She runs it.
Michaela Watkins: Oh, yes.
Michaela Watkins: I...
Johnny Depp: Taj Mahal is still the
ultimate dream, of course.
Michaela Watkins: Yes, it is a building
more beautiful
Michaela Watkins: than anything or anyone.
Johnny Depp: That is correct.
Michaela Watkins: Yes, I know.
Michaela Watkins: He make me dress up as
the Taj Mahal sometimes.
Michaela Watkins: It's very heavy.
Michaela Watkins: I broke my
clavicle once.
Johnny Depp: Obviously, Ivana's
jealous because she
Johnny Depp: won't be buried in the Taj Mahal
since she's not my third wife.
[grunts]
Johnny Depp: But you know, being
entombed forever
Johnny Depp: in Trump Castle
not so bad.
Alfred Molina: That actually used
to be an omen.
Johnny Depp: One of my all-time great deals.
Johnny Depp: Can you see that?
Johnny Depp: Tony, zoom in on
the model, OK?
Johnny Depp: Look, me and the model.
Johnny Depp: Can you see it?
Johnny Depp: Look, look.
Johnny Depp: Huh?
Huh?
Johnny Depp: No.
Johnny Depp: Stop.
Johnny Depp: Deal with your foots.
[thuds]
Johnny Depp: (VOICEOVER) Chapter Four: The art of
buying a casino from the Hilton family.
[music plays]
Johnny Depp: (VOICEOVER) The Hilton family tried to
get into the casino business,
Johnny Depp: but they were too stupid, and
the whole thing fell apart.
Johnny Depp: So I flew out to California
to meet with the heir
Johnny Depp: to the Hilton fortune,
Barron Hilton.
Johnny Depp: He had what I call lucky sperm.
Johnny Depp: OK, he was born wealthy
and had everything
Johnny Depp: handed to him by his daddy.
The guy was a total loser.
Johnny Depp: Don't tell him I said that.
Stephen Merchant: So what brings you
here, old chap?
Johnny Depp: Well, I heard the bad news
about the gambling license,
Johnny Depp: and I wanted to send my
condolences because really,
Johnny Depp: that blows.
Stephen Merchant: Yes.
Stephen Merchant: The whole thing was
a ghastly mess.
Johnny Depp: Atlantic City is a
very political city,
Johnny Depp: and they don't really
trust foreigners.
Stephen Merchant: You're absolutely right.
Stephen Merchant: But, uh, lucky
for me, of course,
Stephen Merchant: I was born and raised
in the United States.
Stephen Merchant: Dallas, Texas, in fact.
Johnny Depp: Really?
Johnny Depp: Because I detect an accent.
Stephen Merchant: Me? An accent?
Stephen Merchant: No, you're talking
bollocks, mate.
Johnny Depp: You see, that's what I mean.
Johnny Depp: Americans don't say bollocks.
Stephen Merchant: I say if anyone's got an
accent here, mate, it's you.
Stephen Merchant: See, you've got one
of those accents,
Stephen Merchant: like one of those old-timey
New York ruffians.
Stephen Merchant: Say, um, "I'd hate to see
your mother have an accident."
Johnny Depp: I would hate to see your
mother have an accident.
Stephen Merchant: There.
Right there. Brilliant.
Stephen Merchant: Brilliant.
Yeah. Scary
Johnny Depp: Listen, enough of
the rumpy pumpy, okay?
Johnny Depp: Let's just get down to
straight old business.
Johnny Depp: If you ever decide you want to
sell that big, honking casino
Johnny Depp: of yours, you call me.
Stephen Merchant: I will, sir.
Johnny Depp: Donald Trump.
Stephen Merchant: Ya'll come back
sometime, you hear?
Johnny Depp: And I got the place
for $320 million.
Johnny Depp: Again, with
someone else's money.
Johnny Depp: Now that is another Trump
Card Element of the Deal.
Johnny Depp: Know your market.
[music playing]
Michaela Watkins: Anyway, as I was saying
Johnny Depp: You weren't saying anything.
Shut up.
Michaela Watkins: I was.
Johnny Depp: I put Ivana in charge.
Johnny Depp: Do you know why?
Johnny Depp: Because she's more than
just a pretty face and,
Johnny Depp: you know, the obviously,
the glorious set of yabbos.
Johnny Depp: Huh, baby?
Michaela Watkins: Right.
Yes.
Michaela Watkins: So this...
Johnny Depp: No, stop.
N-No, It doesn't mean talk.
Michaela Watkins: But...
Johnny Depp: You know, she also gave me
my three beautiful children?
Johnny Depp: Did you not, darling?
Johnny Depp: Did you not?
Michaela Watkins: I did, 100%.
Johnny Depp: You did.
Michaela Watkins: Yes, I never forget
Johnny Depp: Witnessing the birth
of my first child
Johnny Depp: was like one of the top 15
moments of my life, easily.
Michaela Watkins: OK, so I...
Johnny Depp: Shoosh.
Michaela Watkins: I will be quiet.
Johnny Depp: And I gotta compliment
Ivana, you know,
Johnny Depp: because she really kept things
relatively tight downstairs.
Michaela Watkins: Hmm.
Johnny Depp: Because childbirth can be
brutal on the private parts
Johnny Depp: of a woman.
Johnny Depp: I'm known as a great
negotiator, but in this case,
Johnny Depp: Ivana's got the
best deal of all.
Johnny Depp: Don't you, baby?
Michaela Watkins: Oh.
Johnny Depp: Me.
[chuckles uncomfortably]
Johnny Depp: (VOICEOVER) Chapter Five: The art of
marrying a gorgeous immigrant.
Johnny Depp: (VOICEOVER) It was a very
classy wedding, OK?
Johnny Depp: Ivana looked like a
very classy angel.
Johnny Depp: I had on a very classy license Trump Suit.
Johnny Depp: Great cut.
Johnny Depp: My junk looked huge.
You may kiss your gorgeous
groom, you lucky bride.
[she chuckles]
Johnny Depp: And my best man gave one of
the classiest speeches ever.
Johnny Depp: Including
ancient Roman times.
[glass clinking]
Paul Fusc: Attention.
Paul Fusc: For those of you wondering,
yes, it is really me.
Paul Fusc: And no, I don't know
where your cat is.
[all laughing]
Paul Fusc: All right.
All right.
Paul Fusc: Settle down.
Paul Fusc: In all seriousness, I'd
like to talk a little bit
Paul Fusc: about the Donald.
Paul Fusc: We all know he's a style icon.
Paul Fusc: He stole my haircut.
[laughter]
Paul Fusc: Yeah. He's a ladies man,
a real estate mogul,
Paul Fusc: who never discriminates against
tenants based on their race.
[glasses breaking]
Paul Fusc: But he's more than
that, a lot more.
Paul Fusc: And I want you to know
I might be hot now,
Paul Fusc: but before I got "Alf,"
I was a destructive mess.
Paul Fusc: I was a ticking time
bomb waiting to go off.
Paul Fusc: I was all alone.
Paul Fusc: I had no friends, no family.
Paul Fusc: And just when I was
at my darkest point,
Paul Fusc: there was one man who
shined a light on me,
Paul Fusc: a man who made me
believe in myself again.
Paul Fusc: I know, Donald, I could never
repay you for what you've done,
Paul Fusc: but I will die trying.
Paul Fusc: I love you, Donald Trump.
Johnny Depp: You know what? You too, Alf.
Johnny Depp: You are the only illegal
alien I truly love.
Johnny Depp: Truly.
Michaela Watkins: Oh, that's...
Johnny Depp: Shoosh.
Paul Fusc: To Donald Trump.
[chuckles]
Paul Fusc: Now everybody,
Wang Chung tonight.
[all laughing]
[music plays]
[sobs]
Alfred Molina: It's so beautiful.
Alfred Molina: I wish I could have been there.
[blows]
Johnny Depp: I am so sorry.
Johnny Depp: We only had 2,000 invites.
[whimpering indistinctly]
Johnny Depp: There were thousands of women
that I could have chose from.
Johnny Depp: But I'm glad that I
chose to marry Ivana.
Johnny Depp: It's like my famous Trump
Card, Element of the Deal,
Johnny Depp: maximize your options.
[music playing]
Female Voice: Mr. Trump, sorry to
interrupt your flashback,
but I've got Merv Griffin
on the line for you.
Johnny Depp: Okay.
Johnny Depp: Listen, Ivana.
Johnny Depp: Time for you to go
because I've got somebody
Johnny Depp: more important to talk to.
Johnny Depp: Okay?
[whistles]
Michaela Watkins: I just need to borrow
a couple things.
Johnny Depp: Can somebody remove
Ivana from the set,
Johnny Depp: because she's killing me?
Johnny Depp: Get her out!
Johnny Depp: Jesus.
Johnny Depp: Merv.
Patton Oswalt: I'm in the middle of
a workout right now,
Patton Oswalt: so my heart rate is at a
perfect tempo for negotiating.
Patton Oswalt: Go.
Johnny Depp: I've been thinking,
and I'm not sure I
Johnny Depp: want the Taj Mahal anymore.
Patton Oswalt: Why not?
Johnny Depp: It's a dump, Merv.
Johnny Depp: If I was you, I would
resort to Jewish lightning,
Johnny Depp: you know what I mean?
Patton Oswalt: What about all that
immortality talk?
Patton Oswalt: What was that, all bull-roar?
Johnny Depp: I don't need your
casino to be immortal.
Johnny Depp: If I buy it, I'd be
doing you a favor.
Patton Oswalt: I don't get it.
Johnny Depp: Let me put this into terms
you can understand, OK, Merv?
Johnny Depp: It's Final Jeopardy!
Johnny Depp: And you keep
spinning Lose a Turn.
Johnny Depp: If you're not
careful, that slut Vanna's going
Johnny Depp: to turn over an "F" and a "U."
Johnny Depp: And then you'll miss
the Daily Double.
Johnny Depp: Trebek my drift?
[slams]
Patton Oswalt: He's taking everything
I've created,
Patton Oswalt: melted them down
into truth bullets,
Patton Oswalt: fired them into my forehead.
Johnny Depp: I like the guy.
Johnny Depp: You know, I really, really do.
Johnny Depp: But he's just, he's
acting like he's not
Johnny Depp: going to die of prostate
cancer in 19 years.
[laughs]
Johnny Depp: And you, son, have
just witnessed
Johnny Depp: a key Trump Card in my
book, Protect the Downside.
[music playing]
Johnny Depp: I attacked his ego to
hide my own downside.
Johnny Depp: But my very existence depends
on getting the Taj Mahal
Johnny Depp: at any cost, any cost.
Jack McBryer: Hello, Mr. Trump.
Jack McBryer: I have the new blueprints
for the Taj Mahal.
Johnny Depp: New blueprints.
Johnny Depp: Kid, this is my architect.
Jack McBryer: Der Scutt.
[Trump mocking him]
Johnny Depp: You know he's a Nazi.
Jack McBryer: I-I was born
in Pennsylvania.
Johnny Depp: Those coking Nazi's killed thousands.
Jack McBryer: I-I was five
during World War II.
Albert Tsai: Blueprints for the Taj Mahal?
Albert Tsai: But you don't even own it.
Johnny Depp: If you visualize something
not with your eyes,
Johnny Depp: but with the eyeballs
inside your brain
Johnny Depp: it becomes a reality.
Johnny Depp: And you know what I call it?
Johnny Depp: I call it "the secret."
Jack McBryer: Adolf Hitler was a terrible man--
[clears throat]
Johnny Depp: Leave him alone.
Johnny Depp: I like it.
Jack McBryer: All right.
Jack McBryer: So just make the whole
foundation "classier."
Alfred Molina: These are great
changes, Mr. Trump.
Johnny Depp: Hey, do that silly salute
that you know I love so much.
Jack McBryer: Oh, please don't make me
Johnny Depp: Please do it again, just once.
Alfred: Oh, come on.
Johnny: We love it.
Alfred: Come on.
Johnny: Come on.
[all laughing]
Johnny Depp: Are you Korean?
Albert Tsai: I'm Japanese.
Johnny Depp: New kid in here, please.
Alfred Molina: Architecture is cool.
Jacob Tremblay: You and Der Scutt sure make
a great team, Mr. Trump.
Johnny Depp: This is how it happens.
Johnny Depp: I have an idea.
Johnny Depp: Der draws it up.
Johnny Depp: I make it better.
Alfred Molina: It's easy.
Johnny Depp: You know what the very first
building we worked together on was?
Jacob Tremblay: What's that, Mr. Trump?
Johnny Depp: The one you're sitting in.
Johnny Depp: Today, Trump Tower
is universally
Johnny Depp: recognized as one of the most
erotic buildings on the planet.
Johnny Depp: Am I wrong, or am I
right, or am I wrong?
Jack McBryer: You are right.
Jack McBryer: In fact, a man was
recently arrested
Jack McBryer: for trying to have sex with it.
Johnny Depp: He was crazy in love.
Johnny Depp: But that irresistible design
did not happen overnight.
Johnny Depp: (VOICEOVER) Chapter Six, the last chapter okay,
Johnny Depp: The art of
building the Trump Tower.
[music plays]
Johnny Depp: Where are the little people?
Johnny Depp: Little, mini people?
Jack McBryer: Well, this is just
a proof of concept.
Johnny Depp: How is anyone going
to know what this
Johnny Depp: is if we don't have little, mini
people walking around, drinking
Johnny Depp: little, mini coffees, having
a sensational mini shopping
Johnny Depp: experience in our
mini Trump Tower?
Jack McBryer: I will add mini people.
Johnny Depp: Give them all back-stories.
Johnny Depp: What do they do for a living?
Johnny Depp: The tiny places
that they're from?
Johnny Depp: And why are they
visiting Trump Tower?
Johnny Depp: Huh?
You got it?
Jack McBryer: Yes, Mr. Trump.
Johnny Depp: Nowadays, everybody
does mini people back-stories.
Johnny Depp: But back then, it
was unheard of.
Johnny Depp: Did I ever tell you
how Trump Tower came to be?
Jack McBryer: Should the mini people's cups
be filled with real coffee?
Johnny Depp: I had admired the
lot on 57th and 5th
Johnny Depp: since I was nine months old,
and I remember that vividly.
Johnny Depp: I had always wanted to do
two things on 5th Avenue
Johnny Depp: shoot someone in the middle
of the street, and
Johnny Depp: then watch them die,
and build a skyscraper.
Johnny Depp: But to make either dream
a reality, I had to get the lease
Johnny Depp: to that big, stupid
Bonwit Teller building,
Johnny Depp: and then
tear it down.
Johnny Depp: The guy in charge of the
property agreed to let me
Johnny Depp: take over the lease for a
measly 25 million dollars.
Johnny Depp: But I needed this moron
to sign a letter of intent.
Johnny Depp: If he found out how
valuable this lot was,
Johnny Depp: he would be able to sell it to
someone else for a whole lot more.
Johnny Depp: Oops.
Johnny Depp: (VOICEOVER) If he found out
how valuable this lot was,
Johnny Depp: he'd be able to sell it to
someone else for a whole lot more.
Johnny Depp: I couldn't let
that happen.
[cash register dinging]
Johnny Depp: And now I'm about to meet with
the head of Tiffany's to talk
Johnny Depp: about buying the air
rights above their building.
Johnny Depp: Tiffany's is the top luxury
retailer in the world, okay,
Johnny Depp: but they don't make lamps.
Johnny Depp: That is a totally
different company, and
Johnny Depp: if I slipped even once
and said something like,
Johnny Depp: how's the lamp business
going, the whole deal
Johnny Depp: would be over.
Johnny Depp: I love your lamps.
Robert Morse: Thank you.
Robert Morse: They were given to me as a
gift from Winston Churchill.
Johnny Depp: That was a close call.
Johnny Depp: I need those heir rights, Walter.
Johnny Depp: I need them.
Robert Morse>Heir rights.
Johnny Depp: Oh, yes.
Robert Morse>But, Donald, they've been in
the family for generations.
Robert Morse>Tiffany herself,
got them for her Sweet 16.
Johnny Depp: Have a look at this.
Johnny Depp: This is what I'm going
to have to build if I
Johnny Depp: don't get those heir rights.
Robert Morse: Is that graffiti?
Johnny Depp: Yep.
Johnny Depp: And there is nothing I can
do about that because you've
Johnny Depp: got this place
loaded with Mexicans.
Johnny Depp: Now here is what I will be able
to do if I don't get those rights, you see.
[gasps]
Robert Morse: Oh, look at this.
[laughing]
Robert Morse: Look at all the
little, mini people.
Robert Morse: What's this one doing?
Jack McBryer: Well, he's a dentist
who got off work early.
Jack McBryer: He's shopping for his
wife's 50th birthday.
Robert Morse: And this one?
Jack McBryer: Oh, she's visiting from Houston.
Jack McBryer: (WHISPERING) Her dad just
died from advanced Hodgkin's
Jack McBryer: lymphoma, but he left
her a little money
Jack McBryer: to do some traveling.
Robert Morse: That's lovely.
Robert Morse: What about this one?
Jack McBryer: That is a dog-walker who just
got reunited with her twin.
Robert Morse: That's wonderful.
Johnny Depp: So what do you
lamp Mr. Hoving?
Johnny Depp: Do we have a lamp?
Robert Morse: Yes, young man.
Robert Morse: Yes, we do.
Johnny Depp: And with that handshake,
I was on my way
Johnny Depp: to securing deal after deal,
after deal, after deal,
Johnny Depp: after lamp,
Johnny Depp: after deal, after
deal, after deal,
Johnny Depp: after deal, just to make
Trump Tower a reality.
Johnny Depp: But I had yet to face our most
fearsome foes, the New York
Johnny Depp: City Zoning Board.
Johnny Depp: They met in secret and
made all zoning decisions
Johnny Depp: based on ancient
blood rituals.
Johnny Depp: But I knew they would
approve my request.
Johnny Depp: I mean, we added
little cars.
Johnny Depp: So now I had approval to
tear down this petrified piece of
Johnny Depp: doggy doo-doo, so I could
build my master penis.
Johnny Depp: But in real estate,
nothing is ever easy.
Johnny Depp: Demolish everything.
Nope.
Stop.
Stop the demolition.
We're from the
Metropolitan Museum of Art,
and those friezes are priceless
examples of art deco sculpture.
Johnny Depp: They don't look very
priceless to me.
Well, I assure you,
they are, Mr. Trump.
And they need to be preserved.
Johnny Depp: Why didn't you people
mention this earlier?
[laughing]
Well, I was in Italy all
summer, giving a lecture
on pornographic medieval art.
And I am timid.
Just remove and donate
the friezes to the museum,
no matter the cost.
Now if you'll excuse us, we need
to go misuse taxpayer dollars
and have affairs
with our interns.
Johnny Depp: Those friezes turned
out to be heavier
Johnny Depp: than that fat cow
Rosie O'Donnell on Thanksgiving.
Johnny Depp: And the cost of
removing them would've
Johnny Depp: been fantastically astronomical.
All right, smash it.
[thudding]
Johnny Depp: Which is yet another
Trump Card Element
Johnny Depp: of the Deal from my book
improve your location.
[music playing]
Johnny Depp: I smashed the friezes, and
in turn, the liberal media
Johnny Depp: smashed me.
Johnny Depp: They turned me into some kind
of art-smashing rich guy.
Johnny Depp: So they want to see class?
Johnny Depp: Der, I want you to
slather every square inch
Johnny Depp: of Trump Tower in brass.
Jack McBryer: Mr. Trump, if we
add any more, we
will be an uncharted
territories of classiness.
It could destroy the whole city.
Johnny Depp: I thought you Nazis were
good at following orders.
Johnny Depp: Go do it!
Jack McBryer: No building has more brass
than the Trump Tower.
Jack McBryer: It costs $14 million a year
just to clean the thumbprints.
Johnny Depp: The only thing with
more brass is my balls.
Jacob Tremblay: You're my hero, Mr.
Trump It sounds like you
Jacob Tremblay: got everything you ever wanted.
Johnny Depp: You know, I've ruined lives.
Johnny Depp: I've destroyed careers.
Johnny Depp: I've blown up landmarks
to get what I want.
Johnny Depp: And yet, I'm always
left feeling empty.
Jacob Tremblay: Maybe you're so obsessed
with proving to other people
Jacob Tremblay: that you're the best, you
haven't proved it to yourself.
Jacob Tremblay: Maybe there's a hole inside that
can't be filled with buildings.
Jacob Tremblay: Maybe it can only be filled
with humility and love.
Johnny Depp: Nah, I just need the Taj
Mahal because without it,
Johnny Depp: I have no legacy. See?
Jacob Tremblay: Well, you left a legacy
with me, Mr. Trump.
Johnny Depp: What do you mean by that?
Jacob Tremblay: I learned to think big,
fight for what I believe in.
Jacob Tremblay: I learned to follow my dreams,
don't do drugs, use plenty
Jacob Tremblay: of brass, marry rich, hire a
good lawyer, rap what I know,
Jacob Tremblay: always be loyal,
Jacob Tremblay: and most importantly--
Patton Oswalt: Always phrase your answer
in the form of a question.
Johnny Depp: How is everyone getting in here?
Patton Oswalt: This oh, this
is a masterpiece.
Johnny Depp: Duh.
Patton Oswalt: There comes a time
in everyone's life
Patton Oswalt: where you have to decide
to shit or get off the pot.
Patton Oswalt: Well, that happened to me.
Patton Oswalt: I was on the toilet for 12 hours
today waiting for my gardener.
Patton Oswalt: I said, come and rescue me.
Patton Oswalt: And during that time, I
read this entire book.
Johnny Depp: You know, it's
very well written.
Johnny Depp: It really is.
Patton Oswalt: There's no way,
though, that I can
Patton Oswalt: top what you've accomplished.
Patton Oswalt: You're the best of the best.
Patton Oswalt: It's time for me
to get off the pot.
Patton Oswalt: What I'm trying to say is
the Taj Mahal is yours.
[gasps]
Johnny Depp: That is what you call
the art of the deal.
Johnny Depp: Shake on it.
Patton Oswalt: No.
Patton Oswalt: But I will eat cake to it.
[fireworks]
Johnny Depp: You know, I almost forgot
the most important lesson
Johnny Depp: from my book.
Johnny Depp: Get out of my way, blondie.
Johnny Depp: Have fun!
[all reveling]
[music]
[wind blows strongly]
Christopher Lloyd: Stop.
Christopher Lloyd: Don't blow out those candles.
Christopher Lloyd: It'll set off a chain
of events that ends
Christopher Lloyd: with you becoming president.
Johnny Depp: That's ridiculous.
Christopher Lloyd: It's not ridiculous.
Christopher Lloyd: It's catastrophic.
Christopher Lloyd: I've come all the way from
the year 2016 to stop it.
Paul Fusc: Hey, buddy, why don't
you just sit down,
Paul Fusc: we could have some cake, and
we could talk about this.
Christopher Lloyd: I'm going to take you back
to the future to stop this.
Christopher Lloyd: Come on.
Christopher Lloyd: The DeLorean is
double-parked out front.
Jacob Tremblay: Look.
Jacob Tremblay: He's disappearing.
Christopher Lloyd: What?
Christopher Lloyd: Not again.
Johnny Depp: I already traveled
back in time to kill
Johnny Depp: Christopher
Lloyd so he would never star in
Johnny Depp: "Back to the Future."
Johnny Depp: And it was a pain
in the ass too.
Johnny Depp: Are you me
from 2016?
Johnny Depp: Please call me
President Me.
Johnny Depp: You haven't
aged a day.
Johnny Depp: You look sensational, really.
Johnny Depp: Check this.
Johnny Depp: Nuclear codes.
Johnny Depp: Cool, huh?
Jacob Tremblay: Sweet.
Johnny Depp: You could demolish a lot
of buildings with that.
Johnny Depp: I gotta say, this has been the
most sensational 40th birthday
Johnny Depp: party I've ever had.
Johnny Depp: I got a meeting with Interior
Secretary Carmen Electra,
Johnny Depp: so I'm outie five thousie.
Johnny Depp: They say that in the future.
Johnny Depp: They do.
Johnny Depp: Oh, yeah, listen.
Johnny Depp: Get @DonaldTrump on Twitter
as soon as it's invented.
Johnny Depp: Otherwise you'll be stuck
with, like, you know,
Johnny Depp: @realDonaldTrump.
Johnny Depp: You'll hate it. Trust me.
[thunder and lightening]
Johnny Depp: All right, kid, come on.
Johnny Depp: Let's blow out these candles.
Johnny Depp: Let's go.
Johnny Depp: Ready?
[huffs]
[blows]
[sitar playing]
Alfred Molina: Are you all right, Mr. Trump?
Johnny Depp: I'm not Mr. Trump.
Paul Fusc: Are you all right, kid?
Jacob Tremblay: What are you talking about?
Jacob Tremblay: I'm Donald Trump.
Johnny Depp: Oh, we must have switched
bodies when we blew out
Johnny Depp: the candles together.
Paul Fusc: I love this genre.
Jacob Tremblay: I think this is the beginning
of a beautiful movie franchise.
Jacob Tremblay: It's gonna be huge.
[music playing]
Johnny Depp: Hi, folks.
Johnny Depp: It's me, Donald Trump.
Johnny Depp: You're welcome.
Johnny Depp: Look, if you're not
a moronic loser,
Johnny Depp: you probably picked up on
the movie's hidden message,
Johnny Depp: you know, which is that life is
a series of deals, big deals,
Johnny Depp: little deals, really,
really big deals.
Johnny Depp: And the key to any deal is what?
Johnny Depp: To win.
Johnny Depp: It doesn't even matter what
you win, as long as you win it.
Johnny Depp: You just have to fuck the other
party and their stupid pig-face
Johnny Depp: as hard as you can because the
only thing that matters is you.
Johnny Depp: And by you, I mean me.
Johnny Depp: So fuck you.
Johnny Depp: Fuck foreigners.
Johnny Depp: Fuck dogs.
Johnny Depp: Fuck cats.
Johnny Depp: Fuck those transforming
robots with whatever they
Johnny Depp: turn into cars.
Johnny Depp: By the way, I came up
with that idea first, okay.
Johnny Depp: I call them Change-a-bots.
Johnny Depp: And let me preemptively
give another finger
Johnny Depp: to the hater critics,
who are going
Johnny Depp: to hate this movie because they
didn't have the balls to make
Johnny Depp: it, and because they're
not me, and because I
Johnny Depp: am the best, and I really
I really don't want to die,
Johnny Depp: but you know what, that's
OK because I won't ever.
Johnny Depp: Cut.
Female Voice: Hello, it's Gloria.
I'd like to go home.
(Singing)
♪ The Art of the Deal ♪
[music playing]
♪ Some guys are poems
with beautiful words ♪
♪ Some guys sing songs
about flowers and birds ♪
♪ But that ain't
who I am ♪
♪ That kind of
crap ain't me ♪
♪ Some guys are sculptured
in plastic and steel ♪
♪ Some losers paint paintings,
abstract and surreal ♪
♪ I don't get it ♪
♪That kind of
crap ain't me ♪
♪ Can't you see ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ The only art I've
ever been able to feel ♪
♪ Is the only art
that matters ♪
♪ The art of the deal ♪
♪ The art of the deal ♪
♪ There's nothing better
or quite as sublime ♪
♪ Signing your name on
the dotted line ♪
♪ That's all the beauty
I need in my life ♪
♪ That and a big titty
Eastern blonde wife ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ The only art I've
ever been able to feel ♪
♪ The only art
that gets me off ♪
♪ Some people make TV
shows like Golden Girls ♪
♪ Or Different Strokes ♪
♪ Some people make
We are the World ♪
♪ And give American
money to some African folks ♪
♪ I'm on my own ♪
♪ I shall overcome ♪
♪ That is the man you
see shaking your hand ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ The only art that matters to Picasso and Pollock ♪
♪ [inaudible] ♪
♪ The only art that matters is the
one that makes me squeal ♪
♪ So forget those other losers ♪
♪ Is the art of the deal ♪
♪ The art of the deal ♪
♪ The art of the deal ♪
♪ The art of the deal ♪
[music stops]
Ron Howard: Wow.
Ron Howard: That was, awful.
Ron Howard: I mean, hauntingly bad.
Ron Howard: It kind of makes me want to rethink
my passion for filmmaking.
Ron Howard: You know, we should probably
just pretend that this film,
Ron Howard: and in fact Donald Trump,
never even existed.
Ron Howard: I am so sorry.
[clang]
Ron Howard: I messed up Jenny
for nothing.
[emotional music]