- March 04, 2010
- 714 Views
March 04, 2010
Mike P. Sinn
167 Glenwood Dr.
Glen Carbon, IL 62034
INT. COMMUNITY CENTER PUBLIC USE ROOM - NIGHT
"Eye of the Tiger" plays. The lights flash
accordingly. BOB runs in.
Maintain a fake smile with everything you say and say it in a
really happy patronizing fashion. Remember Heather Locklear and Fred Willard.
begin, I have just one question for everybody. Who. Likes. moneeeeeey?
sound a little bit like my wife.
Canned laughter for a ridiculously
Shot of audience irritated at loud canned
laughter. Lots of crinkled foreheads.
Eyes darting sideways. Head cocking. Eventually someone look at
watch. Someone rolls eyes.
BOB laughing with fake audience and bows
wife. My filthy, cheating wife.
OK, guys. My name is BOB
Butterfield and I’m here to tell you about a brand-new, killer investment
strategy which will totally unleash your true earning potential.
It's called "The Get Rich Quick System" and it's a systematic
approach to quickly getting rich. It's what we in the business like to
call "Extreme Investing"
Display "Extreme Investing"
graphic spinning towards screen. When it gets to the screen it stops to
the sound of a CLANK reminiscent of a closing prison cell door.
your parent’s portfolio! Cause they suck!
OK, great. But let’s get serious for a minute. A lot of people
ask me, "Is this one of those shady pyramid schemes?" Well let
me tell you right now, nothing could be further from the truth. What
we're going to be using here is a trapezoidal marketing approach. Can you all
say that with me?
BOB points at the words “Trapezoidal Marketing Approach”
projected on the screen.
(speaking in the style of a
Lata porlio mament
Great. So if you’re all serious about
using my unique investment strategy, each one of you is going to have to learn
to think outside the box. And look, I know what you’re all thinking. You’re
thinking, “I never go inside a box to think anyway, you stupid idiot. The only
time I ever even get inside boxes is to make a fort sometimes when we get a big
box that a new appliance came in.” To that I say, “I’m not talking about the
boxes out here. I’m talking about the box in here.”
BOB points to his pants.
everybody? You see, these so called “financial advisers” with thei
"investment backgrounds" and their "formal graduate-level
education in finance" are always telling us to play it safe with ou
investments. They’re always telling us to get into growth securities, mutual
funds, high yield bonds, etc. Anyway, society tells us to choose the
avenue that will provide the greatest return on your investment so that you can
support your family and maintain your standard of living in retirement. So
without even thinking, that’s what everybody does. That what we call a herd
Stampede and MOO sound effect. Picture
of a Cow.
So who here
wants to be a cow?
Everyone just looks confused with
Sure everybody wants to e a cow. Until they get to the killing floor.
Bob chops an AUDIENCE MEMBER's head
off. Blood sprays out of the neck.
See. That's what herd mentality
will get ya. Now, let’s consider an analogy. Have you ever gone to a nice
Italian restaurant on a Friday night and it’s so crowded, the line extends out
the door and you end up waiting an hour for a table. Everyone waiting is
suffering from their engagement in herd mentality.
MOOING sound effect.
thinking outside of the box is gonna walk out to the street and find the most
recently run over raccoon he can.
Picture of guy with light bulb over his head.
There’s a protein-rich, nutritious meal that didn’t cost a dime.
Of course, the people in the restaurant are gonna be laughing at this frugal
diner, but I can assure you their pocketbooks won’t be.
CHA-CHING sound effect.
guys? You know what I mean.
BOB stares intently at OLD MAN in the
front row and brushes his cheek with his hand. Get 2 camera angles. One with the back of Bob’s head and one with
the back of Cedric’s head.
know exactly what I mean.
Awkward silence. OLD MAN looks
So there are
a lot of ways you can apply this same type of wisdom to your investment
strategies, but I’m just going to let you in on a little secret. What if I were
to tell you that there’s a completely untapped and wholly undervalued commodity
futures market out there that’s ripe for the picking. This commodity is as
under appreciated by the investment community as that nutritious raccoon is by
the dining community.
I think some of you are beginning to have a hunch what natural
resource I’m talking about here. Would anyone care to take a guess? How about
BOB points at OLD LADY in the crowd.
Is it natural gas futures?
course not! Listen kid, have you ever considered pulling your head out of you
ass because that’s obviously the best investment advice I can give you.
God damn it!
Old lady exhibits a look of horror and
(Alternative Possibility: Someone in the audience responds and
BOB says, “No. Shut up. That was a rhetorical question.” Audience membe
responds, “Sorry. I just…” BOB: “What did I just tell you? Get him out of here.
This is ridiculous. I mean I expect this shit at the Rotary Club but come on.
OK. Before we were so rudely interrupted.”)
about instead of telling you, I just show you?
BOB slams his briefcase on the table
and opens it revealing three kittens.
Kitten futures. You are looking
at the dominant alternative energy technology of the future.
What's the meaning of this? This is highly unorthodox!
Lots of obviously nonsensical
guys are going to keep me sitting pretty well into retirement. Look, I’m
sure this is a lot to digest right now. So let me start by asking a
question. Does anyone know what a barrel of oil is going for on the world
Nope. No one knows. Because it’s
too big a number for our current generation of computers to calculate. But it’s
a lot. And I’ll tell you another thing. Demand from China is going to continue
to drive up the price. Now, it’s a common misconception that the Chinese ride
on dragons, but dragons have actually been extinct for hundreds of years. So
how do they get around, then? In reality, those little guys are
actually starting to drive automobiles just like us big people here in the US.
So with a burgeoning population of over 1000 people and their growing middle
class, increased oil demand is going to cause the world price of oil to
that, we need to end our dependence on foreign oil, anyway. We’re actually
subsidizing a number of Middle Eastern dictatorships through our oil
consumption. Where do you think Saddam Hussein got the money to do 9/11? From
us. It’s sad but true. We’re funding both sides in the War on Terror. We’re
funding our military through taxes and we funding the terrorists at the pump?
But what can we do?
these little guys come in. Who needs gasoline when you can have…
Let me try to
explain. And feel free to stop me at any time and ask questions if you’re not
smart enough to understand what I’m talking about. So first, the best kittens
are selected based on a series of criteria including intelligence, strength,
and eczema. The remaining kittens are discarded. It’s at this point that the
selected kittens are sent to a six week catsoline training camp. There, they
receiving extensive endurance conditioning and are schooled in the art of hand
to hand combat. After graduation, these formerly worthless kittens are ready to
become catsoline! A cat is placed in the gas tank, at which time it makes its
way to the engine which consists of a modified and enlarged hamster wheel. When
the driver applies his foot to the accelerator, a simulated ghost sound is played
within the engine frightening the cat and causing him to start running. As he
runs, he turns the wheel which is attached to the drive shaft and the
previously untapped feline energy is converted to the kinetic energy of the
automobile and getting you where you want to go!
Picture of BOB in front of car at the
Hustler Club projected on back screen.
At the end of
its useful life the spent cat is removed from the engine via the exhaust system
and replaced with a fresh new cat.
So do we
have any questions?
What in the
hell is wrong with you?
It’s funny. I
get that question every time. But I know where you’re coming from. You’re
thinking that the infrastructure changeover required would cost way too much to
make catsoline economically competitive, right? That’s where you’re wrong. Dead
Sinister music. Close up of
BOB’s disturbing face. Awkward silence.
the infrastructure is already in place. Cat distribution centers already exist
in the form of humane societies, pet stores, and the homes of inattentive pet
Sign that says “Lost Cat”.
Fueling stations will be
Now, these “qualified and
knowledgeable professional financial advisors” are gonna try and keep you away
from kitty futures. You’re not gonna believe it, but one of them actually
laughed at me when I proposed this strategy. Actually, a number of them laughed
at me… and told me to get out of their offices... But you know what, I was
happy to let building security escort me out of the building cause I’ll tell
you something. They laughed at Thomas Edison when he proposed the idea for the
internets. They laughed at Hitler when he had the idea for the holocaust. Both
of those people are millionaires today. Now who’s the one laughing?
So with that, I’ll conclude by
not talking anymore.
Camera pans out, revealing BOB’s pants
are wet. He walks out slowly. A single person claps sarcastically. As BOB
Audience looks disgusted with flared
nostrils and mouth open in a taut fashion.
Big eyes sideways and slowly moving head. Mouth slightly open with
upside down smile.
RED-HAIRED BOY IN AUDIENCE
You can own
your very own copy of the get rich quick system for just 12 monthly payments of
$99.95. This amazing system is not sold
in any store. Order yours now. Call toll free 1-618-391-0002. Or mail payment to Bob Butterfield at 326 M
St., Edwardsville, IL 62025. No COD’s. We swear to God if you use a COD we will come
after you and kill everyone you’ve ever loved.
Don’t delay. Call today.