James Franco's Rejected UCLA Commencement Speech

Actor

James Franco

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Funny Or Die

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On June 12, 2009, James Franco was scheduled to deliver the UCLA
commencement speech. He allegedly backed out. In actuality, UCLA
rescinded their offer after viewing the test footage you are about to
see.



Scene cut. James Franco is seen placing a small stand in the center of a room with book lined shelves.



James Franco: Alight. You all set?



Cameraman (offscreen): Yeah. UCLA commencement speech practice. Take one.



James Franco: Good afternoon, students, faculty, fans.



James Franco winks and points out into the imaginary crown.



Scene cut.



James Franco: Then I just hold up my hands and wait.



James Franco holds up his hands and closes his eyes.



Cameraman (offscreen): What are you waiting for?



James Franco: For the fucking applause, asshole. What do you think? The people fucking love me.



Scene cut.



James Franco: It’s a real honor to be here today to talk to you about
college. I’ve been to three colleges and I’m in the movies, so you know
me.



Scene cut.



James Franco: The thing about college is that it takes minds into space, like a rocket. Follow?



Scene cut.



James Franco: This is where I get my jetpack…



James Franco mimics putting on a jetpack.



James Franco: …fire it up. Fly out over the audience. What’s up? Grab a few hands. Turn it back around. Back on stage.



Scene cut.



Cameraman (offscreen): I don’t know about that.



James Franco: You don’t know if there are scientists that make jet packs? There are scientists that make jet packs!



Cameraman (offscreen): There are, but their not going to let us fly over the crowd.



Scene cut.



James Franco rubs his head in frustration.



Scene cut.



James Franco: I don’t want to fucking say that anyways. I like how it sounds. It makes me sound smart.



Scene cut.



James Franco: I was like you. A student at UCLA. Creative writing major, robotics minor. Which I dropped.



Scene cut.



James Franco: But, I’d like to begin my speech with…



Scene cut.



James Franco: I’d like to quote…



Scene cut.



James Franco: I’d like to do a quote from one of my favorite authors, R.L. Stine.



Scene cut.



James Franco: Read. Read. Read. Just don’t read one type of book. Read
different books by various authors, so that you develop different
styles.



Scene cut.



James Franco: I know what you’re thinking. James, Mr. Franco, you’re a fucking movie star



Cameraman (offscreen): Whoa, you can’t say that. Don’t say that.



James Franco: I mean, Mr. Franco, you’re a fucking movie star. And you’re right.



Scene cut.



Cameraman (offscreen): Maybe we should try something just a little more inspirational to the students.



James Franco: Alright, take it easy man. I’m getting there.



Scene cut.



James Franco: It’s a very scary time to graduate, but thank goodness
that all us college graduates are guaranteed steady and lucrative jobs
because of our college degrees.



Scene cut.



Cameraman (offscreen): I don’t think that’s right.



James Franco: Well, actually it is true because I went to college and I know.



Cameraman (offscreen): I went to college too, so…



James Franco: Well, somebody was sleeping in class. Somebody was sleeping in class.



Scene cut.



James Franco: Who doesn’t fucking fall asleep in class!



Cameraman (offscreen): Well, we know you do.



James Franco: Who doesn’t fall asleep in class?



Scene cut.



James Franco takes a long, labored breath.



Scene cut.



James Franco: Now is the time for us to help the less fortunate.



Scene cut.



James Franco: Charity and service are very important to me and that’s
just one of the ways that I remind myself of Barack Obama.



Cameraman (offscreen): What! Wait a minute.



James Franco: President Barack Obama.



Scene cut.



James Franco: What? I’m like him!



Scene cut.



James Franco: He fucking reminds me of me. He reminds me of a young me.



Scene cut.



James Franco: Barack Obama or James Franco? It’s hard for me to decide.



Scene cut.



James Franco: As you go out in the world it’s important that you take a
few chances and try new things. For example, let me tell you a little
story about myself. Last year I did a movie called Milk. Well, imagine
my surprise when I found out Milk was the name of a guy and not my
favorite drink. I mean, I love milk: the drink. Chocolate milk. Neve
strawberry milk.



Scene cut.



James Franco: And I did the movie anyway. OK. And now, gay people can have jobs as doctors, teachers…



Scene cut.



Cameraman (offscreen): It wasn’t just because of the movie.



James Franco: Well the movie had a lot to do with it. It really did.



Scene cut: Maybe there was one or two gay doctors before the movie, but
now, if I want a gay doctor, it’s really easy to find one.



Scene cut.



James Franco: Well graduating seniors, it’s been a wild ride. I’m sure.
Especially for those of you that had me in your class last year. I’m
sure that was the highlight.



Scene cut.



James Franco: So, what do we do now? What do we, what do we do now? I
mean, we have all this knowledge and we know everything. What’s there
left to do? Go out and make babies. Thank you.



Scene cut.



James Franco (staring off into space): Yeah. The applause. It’s coming.



Cameraman (offscreen): Uh…



Scene cut.



Cameraman (offscreen): You’re gonna do more, right?



James Franco: What? No. What do you mean am I gonna do more? That was it. That was fucking fantastic.



Cameraman (offscreen): I know. I agree it was great, but…



James Franco: Yeah, no. You agree.



Cameraman (offscreen): Yeah, I agree it was great.



James Franco: Oh, you agree.



Cameraman (offscreen): I agree.



James Franco: Very bold of you. That was fucking amazing.



Cameraman (offscreen): I know, I know, but I think they’re gonna say that you need to do twenty minutes.



James Franco: Fuck.