Celebrities See All

Close

Quick Links

or
Set 10 years after a cataclysmic event has killed 75% of the world's population,... more »
Published July 23, 2010 250 views More Info ยป
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
With: Adi Ashburner, Francisco Chacin, Marisa Ship, David Kirk, Ron Waddling, Elly Kim and Donnie Anderson
CHOOSING MY RELIGION Ext. Trudeau Center LUPE LGB and associates, how may I help you? INT. CALL CENTER Lupe sits at her call desk. CALLER I... I just lost my son... he was overseas and... I just heard today-- LUPE Awww... that's too bad. Can I get your employee ID number? CALLER 86754 LUPE Alright Ms.... Wheeler, you're covered for grief counseling through your company 'TeleSoft'. How can I help? CALLER It's just... I lost my husband a month ago and we... my son Johnathan and I were just getting over it all... and we turned to Jesus in our time of need... I mean, that's you do, right? LUPE I'm sorry? CALLER Most people... they turn to God.. Don't you? LUPE I... uh... actually no, I'm.. I'm sorry. I don't. CALLER Oh... I think I'd like to speak to someone who might understand my situation a bit better. The caller begins crying again LUPE (To herself) I could be getting more calls solved if I was religious... CALLER (sobbing) HE WAS ONLY 7!? WHY GOD? WHY? LUPE This needs some thought... She slowly hangs up the phone. CALLER WHY WAS HE PLAYING NEAR AN INDUSTRIAL ARC WELDER? Slam to credits EXT. TRUDEAU CENTRE INT. SERVER ROOM CALVIN is using his FarPoint Device to weld something. Lupe enters the shot behind him. LUPE I need to find Jesus. CALVIN I see at least three on the way to work, one's drunk, one's schizophrenic and the other one... Well, he actually quotes scripture which makes him the closest to actual Jesus except for the exposed genitals. LUPE My callers respond to religion and spirituality, I could be making more comissions if I was spiritual. CALVIN And you know, there's Egnor, the hobo near the subway station who keeps trying to convince me that things are irreducably complex, but I just can't take him seriously when he's urinating his pants, is that an ad hominem? Suddenly, the room shakes, sparks fly and some dust covers the area. LUPE Oh my God, do you think that was a sign? CALVIN No. That was me resetting the server switching stations. He takes off the FarPoint Device disappears. CALVIN (CONT'D) Do you know why God didn't reset the switching station? LUPE Why? CALVIN Because he wasn't trained in university I went to. Do you know why? LUPE Why? CALVIN Because they don't admit things that don't exist. Jazz hands! Calvin backs away doing jazz hands. CUT TO: INT. ISAAC'S OFFICE ISAAC This seems stupid. And I'm kind of busy. LUPE But, you're the closest I know to a spiritual person! ISAAC Why? LUPE I saw you crying after our local news anchor died. ISAAC Calvin maced me because I beat him in our death pool! LUPE Oh. Calvin walks in. CALVIN Hey, Lupe, wanna join my religion? It's a revamped version of Calvinism except instead of God's sovreignty it's more about finding me hot boys to sleep with. Brent Corrigan is ont he top of list. ISAAC Calvin, the only way that would catch on is if you paid the boys. And then it would be pretty much every one of your Friday nights. CALVIN Isaac if you get any gayer I'm cutting a hole waist height in the men's washroom and we'll call it the 'Isaac Hole'. ISAAC You tried that joke before. You were arrested. CUT TO: INT. COURT ROOM Calvin sits in the defendant's box. CALVIN YOur worship, I was just trying to play a practical joke on a friend that require me to drill through a stall door in a public washroom to replicate a glory hole. And who hasn't been there? The judge glares CALVIN (CONT'D) If you hear drilling do you put your ear up to that wall? Really? Really? Anyway, he's fine, it's no big deal. JUDGE You punctured his eardrum. CALVIN You're right. [Yelling at the plaintiff] HE'S FINE IT'S NO BIG DEAL! CUT TO: INT. ISAAC'S OFFICE ISAAC I think you were just freaking out because that's when you started going bald. CALVIN You.. Yeah... well... I.. When you talk fast and try to use big words your accent comes out and it sounds really funny! Calvin storms off. ISAAC (Accent becoming more pronounced) That's only because when I was young I had difficulty dealing with limited facial muscle movement! Lupe laughs. LUPE That is really funny. She leaves. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY Lupe is following Calvin, she catches up. LUPE So you've never had a spiritual experience? CALVIN No. Well once. I was fucking this boy, right? And he had an orgasm just from me inside him, nothing was touching his dick. And y'know, that happens, but then it happened again like, two minutes later to him. LUPE That's not spirtual. CALVIN Well, we were in a church. It was quite shocking. I wish you could of seen the look on the altar boy's face. A beat CALVIN (CONT'D) I mean, obviously I couldn't because I was on top and behind him. LUPE You're not helping. CALVIN No, and I wouldn't help if you wanted to buy homeopathic medicine, chase leprachauns, visit a psychic, go ghost hunting or find God. And I think the idea of comforting grieving people with lies and superstition would be nauseating to me if I cared about people. Which I don't. So we're fine. LUPE So then at least put me in the right direction CALVIN Why not try research? LUPE Calvin... I'm so... lazy. CALVIN I know. LUPE I think it's beginning to irritatee Isaac... CUT TO: INT. LUPE'S CUBICLE ISAAC Lupe did you read those A3 forms on phone code-of-conduct. Lupe is leaning back in her chair with he eyes closed. LUPE Isaac, do you see that bag of grapes? ISAAC Yes. LUPE Drop one in my mouth. ISAAC What? Why? LUPE Do it! He does so, she snaps up. LUPE (CONT'D) Oh thank God I hadn't eaten anything in hours. I think I might be atrophying. ISAAC A3 forms! LUPE YOU KNOW I ONLY READ THINGS IN PAMPHLET FORM! Isaac grabs the form and folds in like a pamphlet, he thrusts it at her and storms off. Lupe looks at it. LUPE (CONT'D) THE WORDS ARE ALL CUT OFF! CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY CALVIN They have religious pamphlets, you know. LUPE They do? CALVIN I have heard tell. CUT TO: INT. ISAAC'S OFFICE Lupe runs in. LUPE What're you doing for lunch? ISAAC Working. LUPE Come on an adventure! ISAAC I have like an hour. We can have an hour long adventure. What are we doing? LUPE We're going to experience all the world's religions from these pamphlets. Isaac raises an eyebrow. LUPE (CONT'D) Seriously, it looks like your eyebrow is actually trying to leave your face. CUT TO: INT. AMBIGUOUS LOCATION. Lupe and Isaac wear Yamulkhas. Lupe is holding a glass of wine. Isaac is reading the Bible. LUPE Oh my God, this is kosher wine? ISAAC You are never going to be able to pull off these glottal stops. LUPE God no, remember when Johann used to work with us? He kept thinking I was going to vomit on him. Johann. Jjjjooohaaan. Still can't do it. ISAAC Judaism, no. CUT TO: EXT. A TREE Lupe and Isaac are meditating. LUPE I'm bored as fucking hell. ISAAC Try and relax. Calvin runs on. CALVIN Holy shit, you guys, I just knocked a bees next down and threw it at James from accounts payable and they've been stinging him for like, 8 minutes. LUPE I'M THERE! She leaves. ISAAC No to Buddism. VOICE (O.S.) WHY AREN'T YOU HELPING ME? ISAAC Ommmmmm. CUT TO: INT. LGB AND ASSOCIATES SOMEWHERE LUPE Okay, we're going to skip Islam. ISAAC Why? LUPE Liquor laws. Also I can't ululate, and I hate sand. And Mohammad. And I hate the writing. ISAAC So just the liquor laws. LUPE It is just the liquor laws. CUT TO: EXT. CHRISTIAN CHURCH LUPE Isaac, if Jesus knew he was going to heaven because he could perform magic and actually talked to God, that's not really a sacrfice is it? I mean, that's like me stubbing my toe on purpose to go to the hospital for a morphine injection. ISAAC I'm so glad you can succinctly dismiss these belief systems. LUPE Ow, Isaac, I think I twisted my ankle, take me to a doctor. ISAAC We have less than an hour. LUPE I NEED TO BE HIGH TO DEAL WITH THIS BULLSHIT! CUT TO: EXT. CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY. Isaac and Lupe stare at the church for a few moments, then burst into fits of laughter and leave. CUT TO: INT. LGB AND ASSOCIATES Lupe and Isaac walk LUPE According to their pamphlet, the Church of Satan revolves around individualism, self-indulgence and often an 'eye-for-an-eye' mentality. I could go for that. ISAAC Hey, didn't Voynich recently become a Satanist? CUT TO: INT. VOYNICH'S CUBICLE LUPE Hey Voynich, you're a satanist, right? Voynich removes his sunglasses and his face contorts demonically. VOYNICH Aye, It's quite good. Lupe and Isaac look shocked. Voynich holds up a small device. VOYNICH (CONT'D) It's just a holographic thing. It's good though. ISAAC I think the voice might scare callers. VOYNICH (Once again changing) it helps me pick up girls. They think I'm neat. LUPE You're weird. VOYNICH I'm eccentric. CUT TO: INT. TAYRH'S CUBIBCLE. Calvin pops his head in. CALVIN Hey intern, you religious? TAYHR Am I? CALVIN Yeah. TAYHR I am? CALVIN I'm asking. TAYHR How do you know? CALVIN That you're religious? TAYHR Why am I religious? CALVIN I don't know, that's something most people figure out themselves. TAYHR So why do you think I am? CALVIN I don't. I was asking. A beat. CALVIN (CONT'D) Alright, we've been having two disparate conversations. No wonder people kill each other over this nonsense. Forget it Intern. Nobody communicates. CALVIN (CONT'D) Something like that. Just curious intern. He leaves. TAYHR Nobody hears my name is Tayhr. INT. ISAAC'S OFFICE Calvin, Lupe and Isaac sit. CALVIN Have you seen the light? LUPE Religions are stupid. CALVIN Oh thank fuck for that. Can we all go get drunk now? ISAAC This was a stupid idea. It's not like you were ever going to buy in to any of these religions anyway. You were just going to use them the same way Calvin uses hyperbole to make us think he has a sex life. CALVIN I'm sorry, we say hyperbole here in Canada you foreign bastard. ISAAC You'll never be as pretty as me and you'll die alone. CALVIN And you'll never be able to say 'The Rain in Spain Falls Mainly on the Plains' which is ironic. ISAAC I'm Venezualan. Here's a travel pamphlet. Lupe perks up. LUPE Of course! I'll just use the pamphlets! She gets and leaves ISAAC Why are you still here? CALVIN I cut the hole. He holds up a jigsaw. ISAAC What? CALVIN Maybe I'll see you there. Or rather you'll see me. Part of me. You can pretend it's someone else if you want-- ISAAC Oh, Calvin, FUCK OFF! He throws a piece of crumpled paper at Calvin. CUT TO: INT. LUPE'S CUBICLE Lupe has all the pamphlets spread out before her. She is on the phone. LUPE At times like these when we've lost a loved one, who do you turn to? Jesus? Mohammad? The demon Grimlex? She shuffles through her pamphlets. LUPE (CONT'D) Me too! I often that the most comforting passage is when Grimlex - he whose flesh is hallowed and delicious - came down from the mount and said 'A crimson tide of blood upon all those who... Fade to black Credits After Credits: INT. ISAAC'S OFFICE Calvin and Isaac sit. The phone rings and Isaac presses 'speaker' LUPE (over phone) Isaac, I'm going to have to leave early today... CUT TO: INT. LUPE'S CUBICLE LUPE I've come down with a really terrible case of glossolalia. CUT TO: INT. ISAAC'S OFFICE ISAAC Lupe, you can't LUPE [gibberish] CUT TO: INT. LUPE'S CUBICLE LUPE [continues gibberish] Yeah it's really, really acting up. Gotta go. CUT TO: INT. ISAAC'S OFFICE ISAAC We need to get rid of the religious pamphlets. CALVIN I once knew a boy who could speak in tongues. A beat. CALVIN (CONT'D) Set me up for a punchline. Isaac glares. CUT TO BLACK
Advertisement
Advertisement

From Around the Web

More