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Face facks is mose folks onlee gots ralijun fur same reesume dey gots insurance. In... more »
Published April 09, 2012 150 views More Info »
Hey!
Just like clockwork, there you are.
Tunin' in again to another How I Seize It
with your gal Loretta Jenkins.
And if I been readin' my statistics right,
y'all tunin' in just pertnear religiously.
And speakin' religiously,
ever since I had my near death assassination
I been wonderin' about everybody's afterlife
and different belief systems.
Now, I did invite our resident church lady Pru over here to talk,
but all she wanted to discuss was Christianity.
She don't recognize none of them other 'heathen religions.'
So I just leave a sack of dog shit on fire on her front porch
and I just decided I'm gonna tackle this one
all by myself, curtsy of my Google.
So, uh, big Duh...
First one is Christianity,
but we pretty all much know about that...
Alright, there was an Adam and an Eve...
And a snake bit a Cain or an Abel...
And they throwed a rock and killed one of them...
And a bush caught on fire...
And Esther turned into salt...
And Zacheus was a sycamore tree...
And uh, they was a big giant
and he got a slingshot in his cyclop...
I think he had three eyes, if I can remember right...
And Joshua fought the battle of Jericho...
And they was a King David...
And a baby in a basket...
And uh, uh...
Noah parted the Red Seas...
And they was this big old rock
that had all these rules on there...
Like 20 Demandments that, I can't remember what all of them said
but I just know most of them is shit you can't do cause they're fun.
Then we learned,
(singing)
"Jesus Loves Me, this I know..."
"For the bible tells me so..."
"Little one-"
Oh, I don't like that one about youngins.
So anyhoos, God still wasn't pleased,
so he got that Virgin Mary, not that Slutty Mary, preggers.
But the point of the order is Jesus died on the Cross
so we can go on ahead and sin.
As long as we says that we believes in Him
and so when we die, we don't go to Hell.
That sound like bullying to me...
Now I did some research on some other 'less-known' religions.
Now we gonna skip over the Jewishes
cause I just talked about them during the Honnykuh thing
and basically they believe the same thing as the Christians
except for the Jesus stuff.
Now Islamics believe...
Uh, from what I could take away from it...
Um, well...
Lemme just summize it like this-
They got a Curryan for a Bible,
Mohammert is they 'Jesus,'
and they wagin' a Holy Jihad against all the Christians
and any other unbelievers.
They basically like the Christians was back in the Crusades, you know?
I reckon.
I don't know, I ain't no history buff.
I just likes to drink.
I thought Hindus and Islamics was the same
cause they both brown and live off the same side of the world.
But it turns out, I was mistaken.
Hell, I ain't scared. Them sumbitches is blocked
from watchin' YouTube anyways.
Hindus believes in Karma Dharma,
and how you treats other peoples is how you gets treats.
I am down with that.
Cause every time I am mean to somebody, somethin' bad happen.
Hmmm...
I might have to mediate on that.
Oooh, I didn't like that..
Reminds me of when I go to sleep at church.
Movin' on!
Now, Buddhists is what most Ornamentals believe.
You know what I mean-
They all worship that great big old fat sumo wrestler idol...
Bubba? Yeah, Bubba!
Well I reckon they believes in like...incense and peace...
And fruit! Leavin' out fruit for the Gods
like leavin out cookies for Sanny Claus.
And they speak in tongues like them Church of God crazies...
And I don't even get those Gnostic folks...
That don't even make enough sense to explain.
I think I believes in God cause
how else would pube hairs know when to stop growin'?
Truth be told, we probably all the same peoples,
we just all different colors and some of us got a cleff in our palate.
And some of us born with both junks in they trunks,
but we probably just believe all the same things
only just, just different...you know...probably.
It's just some missing chapters
and same old retellin' of the same story
over and over and over and over and over...
So speaketh Loretta!
Amen.
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