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In this secund installments of 'How I Seize It", I let the wurld kno what i think ov... more »
Published September 08, 2010 230 views More Info »
(crickets)

(bottles clinking)
I swear, I forgot which one
I ashed in and which one
I was drinkin' from.
Don't you hate doin' that?
I know you do.
You ever picked up a beer bottle
and took a slug out of some ashes?
That is the nastiest ass shit that ever was.
But that ain't what I was here to talkin' about.
Uhh...
I'm back here to talk about the counter...
...the celebrity counter culture...
...uh...
...gossip section of How I Seize It.
(burps)
(poots)
Oh, excuse me.
Now, I wanna ask y'all somethin'.
Did any of y'all hear about that shit
about Lindsay Lohan supposedly
got sucker punched in the face
for no reason by some waitress?
Ha!
Well, I heard that Lindsay Lohan
was datin' that waitress' boyfriend.
Well hell, I'd have punched her too.
You know what I would have done?
I would have punched Lindsay Lohan
right in the face
and then I would have punched
that fuckin' boyfriend right in the face.
Poor little old Lindsay wasn't doin nothin'.
Have you ever heard of her not doin' nothin'?
Man, I'd have hit her...
I'd have hit her for no reason,
crazy bitch-slut that she is.
And you know what she's gonna do,
cause she does it all that time.
Anytime anybody says anything about her,
and it's all the truth usually, if it's bad.
I hates Vienna sausages, does y'all?
Somebody asked me one time was deviled ham
smushed up Vienna sausages.
Now ain't that the grossest shit?
I never eat another
deviled ham sandwich in my life.
Oh, I was talkin' about Lindsay.
I got this here photo of Lindsay
off that Perez Hilton show.
Doesn't she look hungry?
She looks plum pitiful to me.
Look at her!
Look at her titties!
She shoulda quit when she was
one of them twins in that movie
when she was about one or somethin'.
She's probably gonna try to sue me.
Well come on, bitch!
I ain't got nothin' but a trailer park
and some bee
and cigarettes.
And I think you got plenty of liquor yourself.
I tell you what.
You don't have to have no reason
to punch Lindsay.
If she sashayed by my table,
you know what I'd do?
I'd bitch slap her first
and then I'd punch her in the guts,
just cause her name is Lindsay Lohan
and that's How I Seize It.
(burps)

What the hell happened to that other Lindsay bitch?
I think she had an England accent or somethin'.
She might have-
(burps)
-gone back to England.
I don't give a shit.
I hate that Lindsay Lohan.
(bangs on table)
Hate her.
Come get me.
Come get me!
Here's my favoritest quote.
'I ain't a bitch by nature,
but if you think you gonna out-bitch me,
you will lose,
I will win,
cause I can be a mean-ass heife
if I wanna be.'
So I ain' t scared of you Lindsay Lohan.
I dare you.
I dare you to come get my trailer park.
Come on!
You think you so purty?
I'm gonna poke your eye out.
Oooh, I'm scared of Lindsay.
I'm scared of Lindsay.
I think I could be a voodoo woman.
I bet your eye hurts, don't it?
(cackling laugh)
Here, I know what I'll do.
Goddamnit!
Look at her eyeball.
Look at it!
It's catchin' on fire.
Lindsay...
...eat shit and die.
Eat it.
Eat shit and die...
Alright, that's the end of this newscast.
That's the way I see that celebrity part.
Damnit.
Shit...
I'm thirsty again.
I'll be right back.
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