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Raise a glass of scotch and whip out your jazz flute, because this is the best of... more »
Published December 16, 2013 140k views Immortal More Info ยป

- IT IS TIME TO RAISE A GLASS OF SCOTCH,

GET CLASSY, AND WELCOME A TV LEGEND.

[crowd applause]

- I, JUST WANNA SAY, IT IS AN HONOR FOR ME,
TO BE HERE IN AUSTRALIA,

AND I WANNA MAKE SURE I SAY IT THE RIGHT WAY,
THE PROPER AUSTRALIAN GREETING,

KONICHIWA.

AMBER, YOU LOOK LOVELY TONIGHT.

- THANK YOU, AND YOU TOO.

- ARE YOU MARRIED?

- NO.

- WELL I AM, SO DON'T GET ANY IDEAS.

ON MY RIGHT IS THE NEW DODGE DURANGO WITH UP TO 360 HORSE POWER.

ON MY LEFT, IS ONE HORSE,

WITH ONE HORSE POWER.

THAT MAKES YOU FEEL PRETTY DUMB, DOESN'T IT?

[LAUGHS]

PETER CAPALDI?

WHO IS HIS DR.?

PETER CAPALDI IS DR. WHO.

WELL, THAT'S NOT EVEN A SENTENCE.

THIS THING IS LITERALLY 360 TIMES MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU.

LOOK AT YOU.

YOU'RE WORTHLESS.

WHICH DR.?
JUST SAY HIS NAME.

WHO?

WHO?

DR. WHO?

- WHERE'S THE FUTURE OF NEWS?

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

- UHH, THE FUTURE OF NEWS IS IN A SINGLE WORD, ROBOTS.

- WHAT CAN YOU BRING TO THE CURLING GAME?

- WELL I THINK I CAN BRING, UHH, FINALLY A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF DIGNITY, AND CLASS.

I TELL YOU, WINNIPEG IS THE PARIS OF CANADA.

WANT SOME CRULLER?

QUIET, BACK THERE!

WHAT ARE THOSE PEOPLE YELLING ABOUT?

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GET OUTTA HERE!

GET OUTTA HERE, YOU DUMB DANCERS!

- IN OTHER NEWS AROUND THE STATE, TONIGHT AUTHORITIES SAY A
BLACK FRIDAY SHOP LIFTER IN GRAND FORD ABANDONED A CART FULL

OF STOLEN ITEMS, AND HIT A STORE EMPLOYEE WITH HER CAR AS SHE SPED
AWAY FROM THE PARKING LOT.

- YOU'VE DEFENDED THE CANADIAN MAYOR ROB FORD,

WHO'S ADMITTED THAT HE SMOKED CRACK.

- MY DEAR, DEAR FRIEND MAYOR ROB FORD OF TORONTO,

[crowd laughs]

IS RUNNING FOR RE-ELECTION, AND I HOLD HIM IN THE HIGHEST REGARD.
HE IS THE BEST.

- OKAY, IS THAT A SMART THING TO DO AS A TOP NEWS MAN?

- YOU KNOW, I'VE DONE IT A HAND FULL OF TIMES, AND UHH,

[crowd laughs]

IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

TODAY THE UNITED KINGDOM ALSO CELEBRATES HALLOWEEN.

ALTHOUGH IN AMERICA WE CELEBRATE PROPERLY,

WITH DRUNKEN ADULTS DRESSED LIKE SERIAL KILLERS,

HIDING IN FRONT GARDENS, GIVING CANDY TO STRANGER'S CHILDREN.

APPARENTLY THAT'S JUST NOT CRICKET, IN GOOD'OL BLIGHTY, WHATEVER THAT MEANS.

[flute playing]

[saxophone playing]

SOME PRETTY GOOD SAX BACK HERE

REALLY?

THAT'S IT?

THAT'S HORRIBLE.

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