Hey, you! NY
A mockumentary by Dee Ramirez
(additional dialogue by Lissa Moira,
Zen Mansley and Maggie Brothers)
MAGGIE BROTHERS is a young, chic reporter for an EXTRA EXTRA type show. She is in the foyer an Off Off Off Broadway theatre seeking an interview.
Hi! I’m Maggie Brothers from Hey, You! NY, and we are here on the set of Tiger, Tiger, the great new play by Dee Ramirez. I’m so excited. Let’s go on in.
(MAGGIE enters backstage where an artsy looking DEE RAMIREZ is talking to the disheveled director TED MORNEL)
Oh my god! we lucked out. This is the playwright, Dee Ramirez. Miss Ramirez. Hi! I’m from Hey, You! NY, and we are here to hear about your new play Tiger, Tiger...
(DEE speaks to TED.)
(TED shakes head.)
Please tell us -–
What the fuck are you doing on my set? Your people were supposed to get with my people . . . never called me back. Never called me back! Get off of my set! This is a private set, permission only!
(MAGGIE is pushed off the set. DEE’s hand covers the camera’s lens. A couple of seconds later, the interview resumes, this time with MAGGIE wearing sun glasses.)
Hi! I’m Maggie Brothers from Hey, You! NY -- undercover this time! We are on the set of Tiger, Tiger, a new play by Dee Ramirez, and, oh my god! Here, we have the director . . . it’s Mr. Ted Mornel!
(MAGGIE sees then crosses to TED)
Hi, Mr. Mornel, I’m Maggie from Hey, You! NY! And we were wondering . . . what got you into directing?
The girls. I get a lot of action.
(TED makes a lewd gesture. MAGGIE makes a face.)
And thanks for telling us. . .
(MAGGIE hears LISSA MOIRA the producer moaning orgasmically, and crosses to her. LISSA’s foot is being massaged by set designer ZEN MANSLEY.)
And over here . . . Wow! We have the Creative Director and Set Designer for Tiger, Tiger, Lissa Moira and Zen Mansley.
(to lissa while still massaging her foot)
Do I get the part?
(screaming in orgasm)
Yes! Yes! You get the part! You get the part!
(embarrassed and moving away)
They’re a little busy . . . we’ll come back to them later.
(MAGGIE crosses to a group of actors sitting backstage.)
Oh, look! It’s the lovely cast of Tiger, Tiger! Anyone want to tell us about this fabulous new play by Dee Ramirez?
(An actress named TJASA FERME -- who is dressed in spandex and a cowboy hat and boots –- answers.)
Not really . . . but could you tell me who I have to blow to get a job around here?
(MAGGIE gestures to TED.)
I think, Ted.
(PAULINA, a drunk actress sitting on the floor, raises a bottle in a toast.)
Ditch the bitch, ditch the bitch.
(hitching up her spandex leggings)
Got, it. Thank you, man!
(TJASA exits. The camera cuts to TJASA on her knees in front of TED. She turns to the camera and makes a “thumbs up” gesture.)
Wish me luck!
(The camera cuts to MAGGIE who is conducting an interview with an actor named TRIPLE 5.)
Hi I’m from Hey, You! NY and we want to know why you became an actor?
For the ladies . . . I get a lot of action . . . you know what I mean, baby?
(The interview is interrupted by the sounds of an argument between LISSA and ZEN.)
(to the camera)
Oh my god! Get this! Get this!
(The camera sweeps past TJASA -- who is on her knees giving TED a blow job -- to LISSA and ZEN having an argument in front of the house. They are yelling at each other.)
Yea, his name is Richard, you got it? Click, click, click! Who ever heard of a straight set designer, anyway!
(ZEN and LISSA continue to fight as they cross in back of MAGGIE towards an exit.)
You’re seeing someone else? Who is it?
Richard, Richard West.
When did this start? Forget about it! Forget about it!
(ZEN exits. LISSA yells after Zen.)
And I hate puce tablecloths!
(MAGGIE speaks and smiles into the camera.)
Wow! This is so exciting! This is Maggie Brothers signing-off for Hey, You! NY!
(LISSA approaches MAGGIE and swats her on the ass.)
Hey, You! New York credits fill the screen.
END OF PLAY