The video opens with a shot of golf course. Tiger Woods, portrayed by
Donald Glover, is seen beginning to take a practice swing. He notices
the camera and gives it a nod.
Donald Glover: Oh, hi there.
He puts the golf club up onto one shoulder and begins walking toward the
Donald Glover: I'm Tiger Woods. Over the past couple of days, there's
been a lot of speculation about me lying, me not lying and me lying
about not lying.
The shot cuts to a low angle shot of Donald Glover looking off into the
distance and smiling. The shot cuts back to normal angle.
Donald Glover: A lot of people say, 'Hey, you're the luckiest guy in the
world. You're married to a model. Got beautiful kids.' I guess that's
enough for an average man, but I'm above average. I'm here to set the
record straight. I'm Tiger Woods and I fuck bitches. There's a lot of
dudes that fuck bitches. I fuck the most. And I don't go for the high
type either, oh no. No high class here. I fuck Chile waitresses.
Sometimes, I just go to Big Lots. Pick up the biggest girl I can find.
Get her to call a dog the n-word until I cum. I want a tiny, midget
girl. I'm gonna glue horns to her head. She's gonna ram me like a bull. I
want the sloppiest, grossest girl I can get and I want to make her jerk
off to a dog pooping on a glass table. Then, I make the kid who wrote
Chocolate Rain watch that and if he gets off to it, then I can cum.
Cause that's how complicated I am. I'm Tiger Woods. There's a lot of
things I do and I don't do.
The shot cuts to Donald Glover taking a swing with the golf club in slow
motion and watching as though a golf ball is in flight.
Donald Glover (voiceover): I don't not win championships.
The shot cuts back to Donald Glover speaking to the camera.