I am Tiger Woods

Uploader

TWoods

Actor

Donald Glover

Additional Credits >

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The video opens with a shot of golf course. Tiger Woods, portrayed by Donald Glover, is seen beginning to take a practice swing. He notices the camera and gives it a nod.

Donald Glover: Oh, hi there.

He puts the golf club up onto one shoulder and begins walking toward the camera.

Donald Glover: I'm Tiger Woods. Over the past couple of days, there's been a lot of speculation about me lying, me not lying and me lying about not lying.

The shot cuts to a low angle shot of Donald Glover looking off into the distance and smiling. The shot cuts back to normal angle.

Donald Glover: A lot of people say, 'Hey, you're the luckiest guy in the world. You're married to a model. Got beautiful kids.' I guess that's enough for an average man, but I'm above average. I'm here to set the record straight. I'm Tiger Woods and I fuck bitches. There's a lot of dudes that fuck bitches. I fuck the most. And I don't go for the high type either, oh no. No high class here. I fuck Chile waitresses. Sometimes, I just go to Big Lots. Pick up the biggest girl I can find. Get her to call a dog the n-word until I cum. I want a tiny, midget girl. I'm gonna glue horns to her head. She's gonna ram me like a bull. I want the sloppiest, grossest girl I can get and I want to make her jerk off to a dog pooping on a glass table. Then, I make the kid who wrote Chocolate Rain watch that and if he gets off to it, then I can cum. Cause that's how complicated I am. I'm Tiger Woods. There's a lot of things I do and I don't do.

The shot cuts to Donald Glover taking a swing with the golf club in slow motion and watching as though a golf ball is in flight.

Donald Glover (voiceover): I don't not win championships.

The shot cuts back to Donald Glover speaking to the camera.

Donald Glover: But I do fuck bitches.

The video fades to black.