Maura Pfefferman (Jeffrey Tambor) Relives Bar Mitzvah Trauma (Transparent: The Lost Sessions)
Rabbi Raquel (Kathryn Hahn) Chokes Out Her Life Coach (Transparent: The Lost Sessions)
Shelly Pfefferman (Judith Light) One Ups The World's Worst Life Coach (Transparent: The Lost Sessions)
Tammy and Len Say Nice Things To Each Other (Transparent: The Lost Sessions)
The cast of Amazon's 'Transparent' enjoyed some free therapy sessions with Life Coach Laura Milton-Kaufberger (Carrie Aizley). Here are some of the bits that didn't make the cut.
- October 13, 2017
- 62k Views
October 13, 2017
- You go downstairs by the shoe man,
he can validate you, and then ask him for the goat.
- [Woman] Why don't you go downstairs to the shoe man?
And while you're there go fuck yourself.
- Thank you.
Sometimes people need a little nudge
of thinking of things that make them laugh,
or sometimes people just wanna laugh.
Like for me, I just wanna laugh right now
so I'm gonna go (laughs).
And if you can do that (laughs), that's great,
and if you need something to trigger it,
a trigger, a funny trigger, we can think of funny triggers.
So do you wanna do a funny trigger
or do you just wanna go (laughs)?
Which would you like to do,
a funny trigger or just the laugh?
Maybe a funny trigger?
You got in the building okay?
Did you see my last patient leave?
- Um, no, I didn't see anybody.
- She wears a wig.
She doesn't like anybody to know it.
I was just curious if you could tell, if you saw it.
- I didn't see her.
- That's good.
I don't think she likes people to know that she was here,
to keep it private.
- I'm not gonna tell anybody.
- Well, you didn't see her,
so there would be nothing to tell.
- (sighs) Even if I saw her, I don't know that that would--
- You might.
- Leave me much to talk about.
- Well, you haven't seen her, so you don't know.
- Yeah, but I've seen people in wigs.
- Hers is a little crazy.
- I have to urinate.
- [Laura] Right, so know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna toss-
- See what I mean?
Do you see what I mean?
- That is a feeling.
- That is the wussiest thing to say.
He can't talk about his feelings.
He can't talk about what he actually feels,
so he's gotta pee.
- [Laura] Can you hold it in?
- He's gotta pee.
- You have an ankle bracelet on.
You know, prostitutes wear ankle bracelets.
You know that.
You know that.
You shouldn't do that.
- The sad thing
I paid for these.
- [Laura] Well, the fact that they're not even
makes them more realistic.
- That's not the point,
that I paid for something and it should be perfect.
- [Laura] Well, could you go back to the person
who did it and say you'd like them to be perfect?
- That would require a time machine.
- I think they look lovely.
- Do you?
Well, you can't really see them.
- I can see them a little bit.
- Yeah, but you have to, like,
if you see that, like, see, look.
See how they're not--
- [Laura] Oh! There they are.
- Like, this one goes,
and that one.
- [Laura] They're very nice.
Len, can you hold it in,
or do you need to go right away?
- What the hell?
- I can probably hold it for like
- Did you drive or...
- [Laura] I actually can walk here, that's why--
- You can walk here?
- [Laura] I bring other shoes if I'm gonna walk,
and then I will put them on.
- Oh, I
I don't care.
- The Fitbit.
- The Fitbit!
And you count the steps and like that.
- I love the Fitbit.
- That's so fabulous.
I love it, and all you have to do is you count your steps.
- And you keep looking at it.
- And your children
- You have to have 10,000 steps a day.
That's how I keep in shape, absolutely.
I think it's--
- You can
The numbers go off.
- Yeah, it's wonderful.
- If you walk,
if you do the dishes,
- Right, the thing itself
if you play with yourself.
- Oh, that burns a lot of calories.
- One time,
it was early
I had a patient early, early in the morning
and I got in with my key
- That's okay.
- And the patient that was trying to get in,
the door was locked so that was a (laughs).
It was crazy, I had to go down,
I had to let her in and then we walked up the
- I, um.
- A whole thing, it was a whole other story, don't even.
If we had more time I would tell you the whole thing.
I don't see her anymore.
She moved to Philadelphia.
Which is, I think, crazy because that's where her ex is
and he's dangerous, dangerous man.
He punched her in the jaw.
- I do plenty of work.
- Did you look at these eyel..
- Of my own volition.
- No you don't!
- I do.
- You do not.
When did you last have sexual intercourse?
- (laughs) I can't.
- Tell me!
I'm your mother.
I should know this.
- This is, I guess...
- This is a little...
- I guess this is why we're here.
- This is, oh!
- God, I love him so much!
Look at his eyelashes, the most gorg...
- A little inappropriate right?
- Huh? I literally can't hear a fucking thing.
- Were you one of those girls in high school
that never had a pimple
and everyone else was mad at?
- Uh, no, I had a, I had like
maybe a monthly whopper, you know,
a huge one that you could
kind of tell the time, you know, it was so big,
it was like a sun dial.
- Can we just slow it down,
can we just, like just bring the whole volume down.
Can we just bring it down.
- Bring it down.
- (laughs) Stop!
- Honey, why do you keep moving your foot like this?
Are you nervous?
- It helps calm me down.
- Maybe that's how he's talking with his foot
because he can't talk with his mouth,
'cause you won't let him.
- Pardon me (laughs)
I took a pill this morning, I'm come clean.
I don't know what it was
but it was yellow and I took it
and I'm a little off kilter.
- Okay, do you usually have loose pills
just lying around?
- No, it was in a bottle, next to my bed and I took it
but this morning, I knocked this over,
I broke the lamp and I glued it back together.
- Well, you know, you accomplished a lot before noon.
- But you wouldn't have known that right?
And not only that, with that pill,
I read all these books this morning in 45 minutes (laughs).
- Was your pill called cocaine?
- You think she drugged him and dragged him to the pond
and pushed him in or do you think she was,
- I don't think she dragged him
because he was bigger and she's small,
but I think she could have drugged him
and maybe strolled him to the pond.
- [Laura] Or pushed him in a wheelbarrow to the pond.
- They didn't have a wheelbarrow.
- [Laura] Oh, but you said she had a garden;
so I thought maybe she had a wheelbarrow.
- Small succulents mostly.
- We get into arguments, would you say?
- There we go, there we go.
- We get into arguments over,
I leave the cue tips, you leave that jelly,
whatever that jelly is.
- The KY jelly, the KY jelly.
- What is KY jelly?
- It's the stuff that's a lubricant
- [Laura] I can hear you.
- because when you go through menopause...
- Can you smile for me?
Can you just give me a little, a little smile,
so I can see what that pretty face looks like
when it's not angry.
- See there you go.
- I was smiling at her.
- It sounds like she might have had a skin problem
was it stucco, like something that would, texture...
- No, we live in the Palisades, there's no stucco.
Stucco is actually for bad by the um...
- And so are cottage cheese ceilings,
cottage cheese is only for dieting.
- Actually cottage cheese is not, um, ricotto, is okay.
- What is this, is this a lamp?
- That's a lamp.
- It's two different things,
you've got a sculpture and then this is...
- This is cement that I made.
- You made cement?
- I made that.
- Go make a road, why be doing this?
This is a waste of your time.
You sold your things?
- I sold a lot of stuff.
- Is that where you put your heart bracelet?
- Yes, I sold it.
- The one with the little pink flower?
- Yes, I sold it.
- I sold it to a woman.
- I should behead you.
Send you to the Chinese restaurant.
- So they can take my feet and make salad?
- Shelly, Shelly, Shelly, Shelly,
- Did you talk about the politics of what's going on.
- Shelly, Shelly, Shelly
- Did you talk about it?
- We don't have choice for where we go to the bathroom.
- I do, I find a toilet, I go to the bathroom.
- Don't you decide where you're going to go to the bathroom,
or are you just kind of let loose wherever you...
- It's all harder for me.
- You don't go in the shrubs,
do you go on the property?
- Did you know that the only place on Disneyland
to go to the bathroom for a person for me
was Tom Sawyer Island.
- Maybe you shouldn't always go to Disneyland
to go to the bathroom.
- She doesn't go to Disneyland all the time
- There are ducks at Disneyland.
- Maybe you should go to the bathroom...
- Like real ducks, not just Donald Duck
who isn't my favorite.
- I would suggest going to the bathroom closer to home.
- It's hard for you to remember all this,
is that correct?
Is it hard to recall the details because it's sad.
- May I see what's in that cup?
- Um, yeah.
- Before you sip it, may I hold that,
before you drip it, before you sip it and drip it?
What did you say was in here?
- Melba rum, malbu rum
(belches) Malibu rum.
Like from the islands.
- Is there a little bit of rubbing alcohol in here?
- Is that isopropyl.
- And there's...
- Says isopropyl on it, I don't know what that means.
- Why are there pennies in here?
- That's a lion and if that brings out something in you
that makes you
- Oh, God!
want to roar, I'm okay with that if you need to roar.
- No, that's that Katy Perry song that I love
and some day, I may sing that song.
♫ Kakka, take this kakka away.
- How do you wear this uniform, it doesn't button.
Oh, Jesus (laughs).
- Catch the balloon
and then pop it and get that anger out.
Pop it and get the anger out!
Pop it, get the anger out.
- Pop it Tammy, you idiot.
- Alright, I'm gonna throw you the balloon, Len, ready?
You show her how to pop it.
Good, good, do you feel better?
- Oh, it's some kind of, ah, like, clown class.
- I took a clown class in college, I did take a clown class
- Good, I never took a clown class, Len; so...
- That's because you are one.
- [Laura] It's close.
- Why don't...
- [Laura] You need to catch it.
- I threw too hard, I think I threw it too hard.
Oh, sorry, I'll do it
- Why don't you hand me the balloon.
- Can you throw it back.
- Why don't...
- No, throw it back and then I'll do it gently.
- Where is it?
- It's over there, it's on the ground.
- Is this it?
- Yep, that's it.
- Two hands, two hands.
- I got it.
- Now throw it to..
- Back to me.
- I know she's close to you
but I think you can still throw it.
- Maybe if you go high.
- Go ahead.
There you go.
- I actually didn't even let go of it.
- So, what we're gonna do for this game
is we're gonna close one eye.
- Oh, my God, I just feel like you've gotta have a few
more tricks up your sleeve besides the eye thing.
- (laughs) I'm sorry.
- They say things like, um, I'm just a bird.
- Oh, they say words?
- Well, in their way they do.
- What does it sound like, Tiffany, what does it sound...
- It sounds like, um,
- Do it, make the sound, make the bird, be the bird.
- I'm gonna be someone.
- So they sound like this, uhuhuhuh, whayawange
- Bok, bok, bok, bok
- That's not, no, that is,
I have taken three...
I don't want to lose my temper.
- Do you have a blower?
- A hair blower?
- A phone you dumb blonde lady with big teeth.
- You're very mean.
- big clown face makeup.
- (in unison) Clowns, like, therapy.
♫ Here we are in this office
♫ And we liked each other.
- I told you a bar mitzvah story?
- Hmm, mmm.
- About my bar mitzvah?
- Hmm, mmm.
You started to.
She gave you a melvern.
- So, yes, a melvern?
Not a melvern,
a melt down.
What's a melvern?
Can't take a melvern.
I'm not in the right place.
- Ha, ha, ha, ha, see.
- Oh, okay, well that worked so well.
- Let's get outta here, we'll go to...
- Dave and Busters.
- We'll go to Dave and Busters.
- They like very, lots and lots of games.
So many to choose from.
- We can't live there.
- We could live there, that's my point.
- At Dave and Busters?
- Why not, so much entertainment for such low, low prices.
- Well then we might as well go live
at Chucky Cheeses, it's the same...
- Now we're talking.
- Your lips are like, incredible.
What do you do to them?
- Oh, fillers.
- Rabbis can do that?
- I don't know.
- Have you done a mezcal ceremony?
- It's great, you go to this place
and they give you something.
I don't know what it is and you just release all of that,
whether it be laughter, whether it be anything.
It's a drug but it's a healthy one
and a safe one because it makes you release.
It made me go pee.
And I peed in my clothes and I haven't changed
because I want to keep that feeling.
- Do you know who the Bobbsey Twins are?
- They were two television twins.
- No, they were not.
- They were not.
- She's thinking of Full House
That's not true.
- Weren't they the twins with the two dads?
- No, no.
- You're thinking of My Two Sons?
- No, that's My Two Dads.
- My Three Sons.
- So who were the Bobbsey Twins?
- Oh, she wouldn't know from My Three Sons,
that's Fred MacMurray, that's a hundred years ago.
- Let's go, I'll push you down the stairs.
Why don't you get your shoes on.
- This was my tea, I brought my own tea.
- Bring that, we'll push that,
or you hold that while I push you.
- Can I take this too, 'cause I feel like I want,
just in case.
- And why don't you keep your shoes off when I push you.
- Okay, can I have this pillow?
- Ah, no I don't want you have a pillow when I push you,
I want you to just feel it.
- [Laura] What is whatting?
- It's like routing, oh no,
- It's like what?
- [Laura] Is it sexual?
- It's like routing right.
- It's rugging.
- No, it's not sexual digging.
Sexual digging is something completely different,
- That's Marvin Gaye.
- That's right.
- What if I also like, occasionally when I'm high,
make out with the cat, does that...
- [Laura] I'm sorry.
- Does that count as something if you're high
and you kiss the cat.
- Does that count as being a lesbian?
- Or you let the dog tongue you.
- [Laura] Because of the cat, like a pussy thing.
- Oh, my God, I like pussy.
- [Laura] All right, this is getting to a place
- This is, um, I feel like I wanna call the police.
- I made this pillow, I made it.
- It looks like pubic hair but I don't wanna...
- It is, it actually is.
- Did you steal this?
- That I made, I'm lying!
I didn't make it.
- You have some real problems.
Look, I think we should talk about this.
Oh, you got money in here.
- I stole it, I stole the money.
- You stole the money too.
- Yep, from a homeless guy.
- Ah huh, and did the homeless guy
talk to you about your problem.
- I pretended I was deaf so I couldn't hear him.
He tried to talk to me and I walked away like I was deaf.
- You don't have to thank me.
- I'm not gonna thank you.
- You can write me a letter if it's easier to say thank you
because I know sometimes it's hard to say thank you.
But I have email.
Would you rather thank me in an email?
If you go downstairs to the guy with the shoe place,
he can show you where the Starbucks is
and I'm gonna send you a flyer.
- You're a raving fucking lunatic.
- Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
That's a funny joke too.
We'll see you next Thursday.
- (laughs) what was that?
- It means a lot.
- Thanks, so do you.
What's that, with what (laughs).
- Stop it (laughs).
- What's going on with you?
- (laughs) This is so weird.
- This is crazy.
- God, it's so soft, you don't have one weird coarse hair.
- Thanks, no, I was just kind of born that way.
- You are a pretty little girl, a pretty little girl.
I ate chocolate, do you wanna taste it?
- I feel like if I kiss you then
- It's like eating?
- Yeah, but I'm not sure if I should
if it's gonna ruin my colonoscopy tomorrow.
- If I throw up and get rid of the chocolate and all the
food and then come back and kiss you.
- Would you do that?
- I'll do that, I'll do that.
Oh God, I'm really, it's just...
And you're neck and everything.
- Okay, let's just try to...
- Wow, do you have a bra on?
- Um, yeah but it's just a B cup.
- No, I can tell the way they fall.
- (laughs) thanks.
- What's the back, is it a 34?
- Ahh, 34 B.
- Ah God, look at you.
- I mean this is just, we shouldn't.
- I know but we could, I can lock the door.
I don't have another patient coming in
for another 40 minutes.
- Make yourself vomit and then lock the door.
- Don't go anywhere, take your dress off.
- I'm gonna sit in my chair for one second
before I throw up.
- Okay, sorry all I've had is broth,
so my breath is atrocious.
- If I throw up right here, is that cool.
- Yeah, okay.
- I just have to do a little, I have to get myself in it.
- I'm gonna just unbutton the top three buttons.
- Okay, come right back over here.
Just sit right down here.
- I get nose bleeds so easily.
- So, is this like a motorcycle jacket?
- Take it off.
- Take your sweater off.
You're not gonna tell anybody, I could lose my license.
I don't have a license but if I did.
- (mumbles) this is the dark.
- It's like that, you know what happened to that INXS guy.
- What happened?
- Well I think it's like a thing,
like you can just kinda like, you know,
you want to like asphyxiate yourself before you jack off.
- Oh should we jack off?
- Yeah (laughs).
- Are you a lesbian?
Is it okay that I ask that, that makes you upset?
- I mean are you, are you a lesbian?
- You're very, very funny.
- Thank you, are you, I mean you have a suit on.
- No, I'm not a lesbian.
You wish I was?
- I don't care what you do with your private parts.
- You never answered my question, are you a lesbian?
- I've been dabbling for 25 years.
- I am an actor.
- I thought you were a rabbi?
- No, I'm an actor that plays a rabbi.
- So, you're not really a rabbi.
Did you go to rabbi school.
- Yes, because I am a good actor.
- Are you messing with me?
- Now I have something to say.
- 'cause guess what, I don't have to pee anymore,
I took car of that.
- You peed.
- All right, well that's one way to work it out.
- When she was yelling at me.
- You're so gross.
- You got in my brain, I'll admit it.
- Does it make you feel better that you've wet yourself.
- Yes, I don't have to pee anymore.
- Would you like to have a bowl movement too.
- Wuoah, wuoah, weeeek, weeeek, whoooo, whooo,
- Even the baby duck goes with just a tiny...
- Quack, quack, quack.
- Quack, quack, quack
- Quack, come on isn't that pretty good.
- Quack, quack, quack.
- (group) quack, quack, quack.
- Honk, honk, honk.
- Honk, honk.
Have you ever been the swan?
- Sssssssssssss, they're really mean.
- Or a peacock, ahhhhhhhh!
- I do have balls, one of them never descended so.
- Let me see.
- You can't see it, it's still up in there.
I have one that descended and one that didn't
- I want to know how many balls you have
by the way you punch my arm.
Okay, that's better.
- Does that feel like two balls or that feel like one ball?
- It was still one. (laughs)
- She thinks it's funny, do you think it's funny?
- Oh my God.
- Do you want to get hit in the nuts?
- It's just ludicrous.
- Lady, is that what you want?
- I don't really have a fucking pair of nuts, Len.
I just have bigger nuts than you, that's all.
- Well then why didn't you clarify that,
'cause this whole time she's been talking...
- I've never seen her nuts so I didn't know
whether she had them or didn't have them.
- She's been talking like she has nuts
and now we just found out that
not only does she not have nuts, she's also a liar.
- You wish you had two nuts that were equal in length?
- Sure, everybody does.
- That's a real punch, like that.
- There you go.
- Like that is a real punch.
- I feel like you are living on the edge by not (mumbles)
and you, with my advice, my diagnosis,
is that you're (mumbles), you're a (mumbles) crap.
You've gotta a (mumbles), isn't that your limit,
Have you tried (mumbles), have you tried (mumbles)?
- Is this what a stroke feels like, what's going on?
- My name is Barb,
no, a, ora.
Nora, you know it's ...
- No, no, no, no it's um, it's Barb.
I was saying I, you know, I got rid of, there's no ra.
- Nora, so (mumbles), it reminds me of a (mumbles).
- Of, I'm sorry, it reminds you of what?
- Like a creme I once wore.
- (whispering gibberish)
- You're never gonna (mumbles).
- Stink like a fish.
- You stink like a fish.
- One more time, give him a good (mumbles gibberish)
Get her in the guard, one more time in the arm.
- Go ahead, go ahead, one more time.
- I just don't understand what you even said.
- I said (mumbles) with her guard down.
- You're not using words.
- I'm (mumbles) and I'm getting there.
- Okay, cut.
- Bull shit.
- You're still here.
- You're never gonna read this book.
- I'm gonna read it.
- Ahhh, bull shit.
- Where are you?
- Where are you? Not on that page, nice try.
- How long are you gonna stay here?
- Till you sober up, you dumb lush.