This here's Loretta Jenkins,
a veritable goddamn household name.
Course, it usually preceded by
'That Loudmouth Bitch,'
but at least I be trendin'.
Tonight, your How I seize It's
gonna matter on that one thing
can't none of us be caught deads without.
Let's face it.
You basically invisible and don't matter none
if everyone don't know every each and every
goddamn thing that cross your
And notice I say YOUR minds,
cause if you one of these dick fucks
what's only on the Faceybook
to share these inspirational
dog and cat, military missin' limbs,
save the world pictures,
you need to reevaluate your priorities.
Ever since I been viral,
I been gettin' shit tons of
frenquesses and marriage posals
from all over them four corners.
I hope I can handle bein' all this fame and shit.
I mean somebody from goddamn
Delaware done founded me...
I don't even know where that is.
I don't know about you,
but I am sick of everybody goin' on
and throwin' a hissy fit
about all this privacy and shit.
I mean you shoulda read that tiny writing
when you started, you fuck heads!
If you ain't got the balls and gumption
to stand by your word,
than keep your fuckin' cocktrap
shut to begin with!
Regrets is for pussies!
I says what I mean
and I means what I says
and what I means is
I don't never pussy back-peddle
and apologize for nothin' I said.
I got giant steel invisiballs
hangin' from my fruited looms.
I ain't scared of a goddamn one of ya!
Ya hears me?!?
'Cept if you a midgit.
And I can't help that.
That trigger my scary button toot sweets!
I tell you what.
I'm glad Shooter's gal taught me
how to filter my feeds,
cause now I can block anybody
whose tryin' to throw up
pictures of they ugly youngins.
So you pop out a squallin' youngin
and suddenly you ain't got
nothin' else to goddamn talks about?
And you know what else?
People ought to have the balls
to tell you when they
unfriendin' you off Facebook.
Yeah, I'm talkin' to you.
That is the dictionarial definition
of a cunt move right there.
And speakin' of cunt moves,
will y'all stop fightin' with you
significant others on your daggum wall?
Have you no self respects?
That is the goddamn tackiest,
low-classiest fucknugget thing there ever was.
That's a step below throwin' chairs
on the Jerry Springer.
Hey y'all see where that Zuckerfuck
got himself fixed-
Goddamn why he marry such an ugly heife
when he got all that money?
I mean shit,
he coulda had him a whole fleet of Panamerasians
and live out his days in a Hugh Hefner mansion.
He a goddamn idgit.
I mean where he come up with the smarts
to come up with this billion dollar idea anyway?
Oh wait, he didn't, did he?
Did y'all catch what whistle-blowin'
Social Networks movie?
That ginger oughta be in prison.
If I find out someone else out there
drinkin' and opinionatin' from they toolshed,
I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!
And stop postin' pictures of food!
That shit is disgustin' and gross,
lookin' at your pile of pre-digested shitturds.
People so attention hungry that they hollerin',
Follow me on the Twiddlers!
Or Facebook Me!
And Justin Timberlake out there tryin'
to breathe life into MySpace!
That is the stoopest thing I ever heard.
And folks out there just a High-Fivin'
and Branchin' Out
and gettin Linked In.
Now they got this Instagram shit
case you get a wild hai
and need to turn your pictures all
Fifty Shades of Faggy!
And y'all that's why the stock market died.
It's cause this country don't
manufacture nothin' no more!
They ain't got no industrials.
They don't make nothin'.
I mean, what is The Facebook?
It's like invisible.
It ain't no thing like
you can grab hold of
or slap around or somethin'.
I mean what is a Facebook?
It don't make no sense.
You can't hold it.
You can't give it no blowjob.
It's just a thing!
And will you assholes stop pokin' me?
If you wanna fuck, let's fuck,
but at least have the balls
to come do it in the real world!
And next motherfucke
who invite me to come visit you
Mafia Farm Hooville bullshit-
I live in the REAL world
and I ain't got time to go feed you
fake cartoon animals or grow cyberfood!
You got that?
I mean I'll come play you
stooptard reindeer games
if they give an option to tip or stab a cow-
I mean at least that'd be fun!
I mean that shit don't happen in the real world.
And if that Mark Fuckerberg out there
listenin' to this broad broadcastin',
then lemme pass this on...
Whoever come up with this Timeline bullshit
need to get the goddamn boot!
And that's How I Seize It!
And as usual,
find me on Facebook
or Fuck Off!