Joe Hartzler: [Marc]
Ladies and gentleman, welcome to
Joe Hartzler: The Earliest Show with
Josh and Sam.
Lauren Lapkus: [voicing] Come on. Come on.
We have to do a show now.
Lauren Lapkus: OK. Alright.
Lauren Lapkus: OK. Welcome to
The Earliest Show.
Lauren Lapkus: How are ya?
- Hello. I said, how are ya Josh.
- I want to die.
Ben Schwartz: I want to die. I don't understand
why anything happens in life.
Ben Schwartz: Why do people
Ben Schwartz: What's the point of feeling
love if you can feel pain?
Lauren Lapkus: That's a little deep for me.
Lauren Lapkus: OK. You know, I want to say though,
I do notice you look amazing today.
Lauren Lapkus: Great, great tux.
Ben Schwartz: This is the tux I picked
out for our wedding.
Ben Schwartz: I was so certain she
was going to say yes.
Ben Schwartz: I got a purple tux,
because it's her favorite color.
Lauren Lapkus: You know, I got to launch right
into this whole business here Marc.
Lauren Lapkus: Marc, you hear me?
Marc? Earth to Marc.
Lauren Lapkus: College kids aren't
popping' and droppin' are they?
Ben Schwartz: Why would a college kid stand
up just to fall back down?
Lauren Lapkus: Why did we spend so much
time talking about that?
- We did extensive research on it.
- But they're not doing it.
Lauren Lapkus: So, where did you come up with that?
How'd you come up with that?
Joe Hartzler: Uh... pop and lock.
Ben Schwartz: So you took
a famous phrase,
Ben Schwartz: and you changed it into something
else and invented it on the spot?
Ben Schwartz: Apparently, pop and lock is a
beatbox thing that the kids do.
- [Sam] No it's not.
- [Marc] What is it?
- It's dancing.
- It's a dance move.
Ben Schwartz: [Josh] What do you think pop and lock is?
Show me what you think it is.
- [Marc beatboxes]
Ben Schwartz: What do you think
- [Marc is tapping his foot]
- You think beatboxing is tapping your foot?
Joe Hartzler: Well, look, I don't know
everything under the sun.
- You know, I'm just doing my best.
- Well you prove that everyday.
Lauren Lapkus: Josh, why don't you
take this next story?
- I don't want to.
- Please? Please for me.
Ben Schwartz: There was a kid--
There was a 6 year-old kid
- who won the lottery.
Lauren Lapkus: Is he single?
- He's a 6 year-old. So, yeah.
- Uh... can he be my sugar daddy?
- He can be your sugar... son.
- My sugar baby.
- He can be a sugar baby.
- That's fine.
- Is that fine?
Lauren Lapkus: As long as the money's
coming in. [chuckles]
Lauren Lapkus: OK. So, I'm thinking...
I got an idea.
Lauren Lapkus: Why don't we dance
over to The Social Wall
Lauren Lapkus: and see what our
fans are writing to us.
- Get that music going.
Joe Hartzler: [softly] Hey buddy, come on,
Social Wall. Here we go.
Lauren Lapkus: He made it.
Three cheers for Josh. [cheering]
- Welcome to The Social Wall
Ben Schwartz: presented by Cap'n Crunch.
Ben Schwartz: @GranpaFred1932 says:
Ben Schwartz: "I'm looking for my wife.
I think she called here. Hello?"
Lauren Lapkus: Ooh, you've got
the wrong number sir.
Ben Schwartz: No, it's not a number,
it's a post.
Ben Schwartz: How do you even think
that this is a phone call?
Ben Schwartz: If you typed, you typed.
Ben Schwartz: @ThrillSeekrr-- Spelled wrong.
So we're already off to a great start.
Lauren Lapkus: Well, sometimes
they're already taken.
Ben Schwartz: [Josh] "I'm at the
top of a roller coaster
Ben Schwartz: and was wondering,
what's your ahhhhhhh."
Ben Schwartz: For real?
Ben Schwartz: You-- You posted at
the top of a roller coaster,
Ben Schwartz: and then as you were going
down you wrote "Ahhhhhhh"?
Joe Hartzler: Ahhhhhh! [chuckles]
Ben Schwartz: I have been on a roller
coaster this entire week,
Ben Schwartz: and it's been like this:
Ben Schwartz: Oh my God, it could
be good, could be good...
Ben Schwartz: Nooooooo-ooooooh!
- Oooooh. Oh.
- [imitates a crash]
- Help! Help!
Ben Schwartz: Aaah! Oh my God!
Ben Schwartz: Aaaaah. Aaah.
Ben Schwartz: Aaah.
Ben Schwartz: Aah.
Lauren Lapkus: OK.
Lauren Lapkus: @SingleandDoingFine12:
Lauren Lapkus: "What's your idea
of a perfect date?"
Lauren Lapkus: Mmm, romantic question.
What's your answer?
Ben Schwartz: My answer would be just two people,
one bowl of spaghetti,
Ben Schwartz: one person starts on one end,
the other person
Ben Schwartz: starts on the other end,
and you keep going,
Ben Schwartz: but the spaghetti is endless,
and when you finally get to the end
Ben Schwartz: the girl isn't there anymore,
and you're by yourself,
Ben Schwartz: and you have all the carbs,
and you throw up.
Lauren Lapkus: OK. For me I'd say, all
expenses paid trip to France,
Lauren Lapkus: the good par with
the Eiffel Tower.
Ben Schwartz: What's the bad
part of France?
- Country. Country side.
- You don't like the country side?
- Snooze pal.
Lauren Lapkus: Yeah. Yeah. I want to see
a big tower, made by people.
- [Sam giggles] What's that?
Ben Schwartz: OK. Stick around for our guests--
Some more Earliest show.
Don't you wish you could eat
and use your hands for other things?
Now you can,
with the Snack Hat.
Chips and salsa.
Soup and sandwich.
Cereal and milk.
You really got to suck if you want
to get those solid foods down.
- Order now!
Lauren Lapkus: I'm really excited
about our next segment
Lauren Lapkus: and I'm doing it alone.
Lauren Lapkus: We have a really amazing
actor with us today.
Lauren Lapkus: He's on the show
Silicon Valley on HBO.
Lauren Lapkus: Put your hands together at
home for Thomas Middleditch.
- Oh-- Hiii!
- Hey there.
- How are you?
- Good, good. Nice to see you.
Lauren Lapkus: OK.
Nope, sit over there.
- That's our guest chair.
- Would you hug me too?
- But you're lying down.
- Would you hug me too?
- You don't want to get up?
- Just hug me please.
- [Sam chuckles]
- OK. Alright.
Lauren Lapkus: Why don't you sit in that
guest chair over there?
- This is it?
- Special guest chair.
Thomas Middleditch: I'm going to move
your legs, OK?
- Good to see you man.
- Hey, want to get up and play with us?
Ben Schwartz: I'm only going to get
up if someone holds.
- What's that?
- Would you hold me like a baby?
- In my arms?
Lauren Lapkus: Would you do it?
Just 'cause I want to do this... segment.
Ben Schwartz: I just need to be cuddled.
I need to be--
Ben Schwartz: I need you to love
me for like 2 seconds.
- Yeah, sure man.
- For real?
- Alright... Sure.
- Now Thomas, while you're doing that,
Lauren Lapkus: I heard that you
used to build furniture.
Lauren Lapkus: What's the smallest
thing you ever built?
- The smallest thing...
Thomas Middleditch: ...is uh, I built a
little end table.
Thomas Middleditch: Uh, it was pretty neat,
'cause I actually did a,
Thomas Middleditch: kind of a natural finish
on it using some uh...
Thomas Middleditch: vinegar and tea, because tea
has all of these tannins in it.
Thomas Middleditch: And so, when you prep
with some vinegar--
- I think you've moved a body before.
- He graduated from college.
Thomas Middleditch: There you go.
There you go.
Lauren Lapkus: So you go to the Renaissance Faire.
What's up with that?
Thomas Middleditch: Uh... I think it's fun, you know,
to kind of participate
Thomas Middleditch: in a collective agreement
to be weird.
Lauren Lapkus: Josh, you want to come
sit on the couch?
Ben Schwartz: No.
Lauren Lapkus: OK, so you were your
high school's valedictorian,
Lauren Lapkus: but the vote wasn't
based on grades,
Lauren Lapkus: it was based on popularity.
So, you're telling me you were
Lauren Lapkus: a cool pizza eating dude,
but you were like, "F. F. F."
Thomas Middleditch: [chuckles] No, I don't know
about pizza eating.
Thomas Middleditch: Uh, but yeah it was kind of a vote system.
Grades didn't really matter.
Lauren Lapkus: Well let me tell ya, that's not
what valedictorian means.
- I'm going to revoke that.
- OK. Well, you can't actually, so...
- Life's not fair.
- Hey man, you alright?
Thomas Middleditch: You're making a bunch
of noise over here.
[Josh is sighing deeply]
- Can you sing a song please?
- Oh, sing a song for the baby.
♪ Hey there little baby
♪ Don't be so sad
♪ You're a free man now
Go to the ball
♪ Talk about dance with
anyone you want now
♪ Dancing with
anyone you want
♪ Kiss them inside the
Rip 'em a new one
- [Josh is snorting]
- ♪ Dance with anyone you want
♪ Hold their hands
Dip them slow
♪ Kiss them on
♪ You can dance with
anyone you want now
♪ You're the free man ♪
Thomas Middleditch: Well...
Lauren Lapkus: Ugh... Well, that felt good.
Thank you so much for that, refreshing tune.
Thomas Middleditch: Yeah. It was
Lauren Lapkus: Thank you so much for joining
us Thomas. That was a blast.
Lauren Lapkus: Stick around.
We'll be right back with
Lauren Lapkus: What's Cooking with Chef Tommy.
We're going to make something yummy.
Thomas Middleditch: [Thomas] I grew up
in a Gospel church--
Lauren Lapkus: [Sam] Oh, we're done
with the interview. Sorry.
- [Marc] Yeah.
- [Thomas] I was just...
Joe Hartzler: [Marc] You can go.
Just make sure you sign out
Joe Hartzler: with Mike,
because he's got the--
Joe Hartzler: he needs to get
Thomas Middleditch: [Thomas] OK.
Lauren Lapkus: Mmm, something smells good,
and you know what that means.
Lauren Lapkus: It's time for What's Cookin'.
Mmm, I'm hungry.
Lauren Lapkus: We have Chef Tommy back with
us to make something delicious.
- We are so glad you're here.
- Sam, I'm so happy to be back.
Eugene Cordero: I love being apart of the show.
- [Josh grunts]
- Yeah, buddy. Come on.
Eugene Cordero: We're going to do a
little bit fun cookin', huh.
Lauren Lapkus: Ooh, I can't wait to see what
we're going to make today.
Eugene Cordero: Hey, you remember
what my thing is right?
- Yes, I do.
- So usually I like to go through
Eugene Cordero: somebody's pantry,
but today I went through
Eugene Cordero: somebody's special's
pantry. Guess who?
Eugene Cordero: Josh Eu-Bath.
Look what I found in his refrigerator.
Ben Schwartz: This is the stuff in
Eugene Cordero: This is all the stuff that we
found in your refrigerator.
- That's it?
- We've got things from-- Yeah.
Eugene Cordero: --Petroleum jelly.
Some tomato ketchup.
Eugene Cordero: Some chocolate chips.
Eugene Cordero: Yeah...
A cold picture of Emily.
Lauren Lapkus: Why was that
in the fridge?
Ben Schwartz: To try to keep
the relationship fresh.
Lauren Lapkus: Takes a lot more
than that bud.
Eugene Cordero: Marshmallows, milk,
and then some Peanut Butter Crunch.
Eugene Cordero: So guess what I thought
would be fun to make?
- I can't wait to hear it.
- A pizza. A steak. Steak tartare.
Eugene Cordero: With all of this stuff?
Lauren Lapkus: He's not a cook.
What are you going to make?
Eugene Cordero: I'm going to make some
Peanut Butter Crunch S'mores.
- [voicing] Oooh, baby!
Eugene Cordero: I don't know if you
should do a voice.
Eugene Cordero: Like, your regular voice
is weird enough.
Eugene Cordero: Let's add a little bit of
these marshmallows in here.
- Let's add a little bit of chocolate chips,
Eugene Cordero: some caramel, and then
we're going to throw in--
Ben Schwartz: I just need to see her.
If I could see her one more time
Ben Schwartz: I feel like that's
all it would take--
Eugene Cordero: Yeah, but you know what
I would let you see right now
Eugene Cordero: is some more of that
Peanut Butter Crunch, because I'm
Eugene Cordero: going to throw it in
to this waffle cone.
Eugene Cordero: I'm going to throw in a little bit
more of these marshmallows on top--
- She loved marshmallows.
- She did, huh?
Eugene Cordero: Well, you're
going to love this.
Eugene Cordero: Wrap it up in some foil,
and go ahead
Eugene Cordero: and put it in the oven
for 10 minutes at 350.
- 10 minutes!
Eugene Cordero: Some Peanut Butter
- Those look amazing.
- --fresh out of the oven. Look at that.
Eugene Cordero: That looks so
sweet and delicious.
- Did you go camping as a kid?
- I did go camping as a kid.
Eugene Cordero: My parents used to
drop me off at a park,
Eugene Cordero: and then I'd have to
survive for a couple of days.
Lauren Lapkus: [Sam] Wow, that's really
an extreme version.
- Oh, is it?
- He's back.
Eugene Cordero: Hey buddy! Do you want
to taste one of these?
- Come on. Come on in.
- They're so delicious. You gotta have one.
- With strawberries?
Eugene Cordero: Yep. From my friend.
So don't take credit for them.
Ben Schwartz: That's Emily's favorite fruit.
Ben Schwartz: She used to eat it, put it on her tongue,
and say, "Come and get it."
- She did?
Lauren Lapkus: That's a little
salacious for me.
Ben Schwartz: Well, she didn't want me to
get it with my tongue.
Lauren Lapkus: That's our show.
Thanks so much for watching.
Lauren Lapkus: Tune in tomorrow for more
guests and more mischief.
- Good night and good morning.
- [Josh is weeping]
- Oooh, he's...
Eugene Cordero: He's crying.
Eugene Cordero: He's crying--
He's crying like a boy.