- Hello, ladies and gentlemen,
citizens of the United States, visitors from abroad.
I know a lot of you have traveled long and far to get here.
It's always so exciting to hear.
The Washington Monument is closed.
It was deemed unessential.
You're all out of luck.
At this point, if some of you wanna go back to your hotel,
you'll have to take a very expensive taxi to do so,
because of course all the unessential public transportation
has been shut down.
If you guys wanna go home,
because it's pointless to visit D.C.
if you can't visit the nonessential monuments
to our founding fathers,
or by the way, the unessential museums
dedicated to commemorating
the can do spirit of our democracy.
You can't, as the government subsidized
Amtrak has been shut down.
The nonessential security personnel at the airports
has been put on leave.
Of course the highways, those won't work either.
Those have been shut down as unessential as well,
because we can't pay the unessential state troopers.
Well, that's, I didn't know--
Hey, here's something about the Washington Monument.
Marble can catch on fire.
I bet you didn't know that.
I'll give you that one for free, but then you gotta go.
This is actually exciting.
Are there any volunteer fire fighters here?
Because we shut all our fire houses
down because they are unessential
to the process.
Ain't that a shame.
That was one of the older ones too.
Erected in 1884, and your kids would actually learn
about that in school, but the nonessential education
programs were the first to go.
Okay, the fire is spreading.
At this point I would direct you to safety,
but I am not a real park ranger.
So, I can't do that.
They've all been let go.
I just always wanted to be a park ranger.
So much so that I lost all grip on reality
and was hospitalized.
But then they shut all the hospitals down,
so now I'm out here talking to nobody
without any pants on.
Have a great day,
and God bless America.