A lovely couple is just looking for a home to die in. Which Haunted House will they choose?

Full Credits

Talent: Jerry O'Connell, Rebecca Romijn, D'Arcy Carden, Emily Shilberg
Writer: Travis Helwig
Director: Lauren Palmigiano
Executive Producer: Jason Carden
Producers: Sean Dacanay and Eleanor Winkler
DP: Ricky Fosheim
Camera Operator: Aaron Ulrich
1ACs: Ray Lee and Matt Sweeney
2AC: Noel Vidal
Stylist: Michelle Thompson
HMU: Marina Coria
HMU Assist: Emily Mefford
Gaffer: Aarron Dowell
Best Boy: Brett Lopes
Key Grip: Michael Blevins
Grip: Alexandre Nunez
Sound Mixer: Chris Bennett for BoTown Sound
Production Designer: Susie Mancini
Art Director: Bradley Salo
Art Assistants: Heidi Koleto, Clint Harris, Dylan Metzger & Michael Castillo
PAs: Drew Foster, Edgar Castillo
Editor and Visual Effects: Michael Burke

Stats & Data

1,257Funny
456Die
63,642
Views
October 30, 2014
Published

Transcript


> (Female Voice Over):
SATANIC SCULPTOR DOUG,
AND TERRIBLE GYMNAST DONNA
ARE BRAVING NEW ENGLAND'S
PRICEY REAL ESTATE MARKET TO
PURCHASE THEIR FIRST HOUSE.

> (Doug): THINGS WE HAVE TO HAVE,
ENOUGH ROOM FOR A TORTURE
DEN.

> I JUST WANT TO BE UNHAPPY.

> (Female Voice Over): DONNA WANTS A
HOUSE WITH A NURSERY
AND A WALK-IN CLOSET. WHILE DOUG
WANTS A MAN CAVE TO HANG
OUT WITH HIS BROS.

> MY BROS ARE BATS.

> (Female Voice Over):
THEY TEAMED UP WITH REAL
ESTATE AGENT JESSIE TO FIND THEIR
FIRST AND LAST HOME.

> I'M AN EXPERT IN RITUAL CULTS,
UM, UNDEAD SPIRITUALISM,
AND AMONG REAL ESTATE, I AM
GOING TO FIND THE PERFECT HAUNTED
HOUSE FOR THIS FAMILY. ALL FOR
UNDER $350,000 THOUSAND DOLLARS.
(sound of a door bell)
(you hear a dog growl)
(a person screams)
(sound a growling beast)

> (Female Voice Over):
HOUSE NUMBER ONE WAS A
CLASSIC NEW ENGLAND RANCH
FOR WITH A TORTURED PAST.

> SO THIS IS 3 BEDROOMS,
TWO BATHS, AND IT'S RIGHT DOWN
THE STREET FROM WHERE YOU
TEACH SHITTY GYMNASTICS,
AND AS YOU CAN SEE THERE'S STILL
BLOOD ON THE WALLS, FROM
THE MASS SUICIDE.

> MEH... I KNOW 30 PEOPLE DIED
HERE, BUT
I JUST CAN'T FEEL THEIR PRESENCE.

> YEAH, BUT
CHECK OUT THESE BAY WINDOWS.

> (Female Voice Over):
HOUSE NUMBER TWO WAS A
VICTORIAN WITH SOME REAL
SPIRITS LIVING INSIDE.

> YEAH, THE LAWN'S NICE AND DEAD.

> YEAH, THE HAUNTED HOUSE
MARKET IS TOUGH. SOMETIMES
YOU FIND A GREAT HAUNTED HOUSE,
AND THEN SOMEBODY COMES IN
STAGES IT, AND THEN WHAT,
YOU JUST HAVE A REGULAR HOUSE.
(you hear the voice of the real estate
agent and the husband cheering her on)
>>YEAH I GOT YOU, YEAH.

> (Agent): VERY SHITTY.

> (Female Voice Over):
PLUS A SPACIOUS MAN CAVE FOR
DOUG.

> MY BROS ARE GOING TO LOVE
HANGING OUT HERE.
MY BROS ARE BATS.

> (Female Voice Over):
AND HOUSE NUMBER 3 WAS THE
PERFECT PLACE TO RAISE THEIR CHILD.

> (Agent): YES, VERY DARK.

> YEAH, IT'S SPOOKY, BUT IS IT
SPOOKY ENOUGH.

> Ghost: I WANT MY (inaudible)
(they all sound startled)
(then they laugh)

> I MEAN THAT'S GOOD, BUT
WHERE'S THE
OPEN FLOOR PLAN?

> (Agent): OK.

> (Female Voice Over):
DONNA AND DOUG
HAVE A BIG
DECISION AHEAD OF THEM.

> I DON'T KNOW, HOUSE NUMBER 1
DID HAVE THAT HISTORIC CULT SUICIDE.

> (Donna): I MEAN,
HOUSE NUMBER 3 WAS GREAT.
IT HAD THAT CLEAR CHILD
APPARITION. PLUS I REALLY LIKE THAT
IT HAD ALL OF THAT UNFINISHED BUSINESS..

> YEAH, WELL LISTEN,
SPEAKING OF BUSINESS,
THERE'S A LOT OF BUSINESS TO DO
IN THAT BASEMENT THERE, YOU KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE A
TORTURE DEN WILL GO.

> I THINK DOUG'S JUST GOING
TO HAVE TO LOWER HIS
EXPECTATIONS A LITTLE BIT.
I KNOW HE REALLY WANTS A PLACE
TO HANG OUT WITH HIS BROS.
HIS BROS ARE BATS.

> I DO LIKE HOUSE NUMBER 2.

> YOU KNOW THAT MAN CAVE
WAS A LITERAL, CAVE.

> I WANT SOMETHING THAT SCREAMS US.
AND I WANT THAT SCREAMING TO KEEP
US UP ALL NIGHT LONG.

> WELL I THINK I'VE MADE MY DECISION.

> I THINK I KNOW TOO.

> LET'S SAY IT ON 3. READY?
(they both say):
1, 2, 3...
HOUSE NUMBER 3.
(they both laugh)

> (Female Voice Over):
THE PRICE, THE NEIGHBORHOOD, AND
THE DEAD LITTLE GIRL, MADE THIS
THE PERFECT HOUSE FOR
DONNA AND DOUG.

> ALRIGHT, THIS IS IT.
(sound of a stabbings are heard)

> UH...

> MMPH...

> (Female Voice Over):
NOW THEY'RE BLEEDING
OUT ON THEIR
LIVING ROOM FLOOR, AND THEY
KNOW THEY FOUND THE PERFECT HOME.

> I LOVE THIS HOUSE.

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