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Ummm idk call me a tradishnaliss, but I thank the human nekkid boddee a worka art... more »
Published May 15, 2012 5.4k views More Info »
(mumbling)
Hey!
This here is How I Seize It...
And we're back...
And uhhh...
I'm Loretta Jenkins and, uhhh...
Uhh... Uhh...
I guess-
I don't know.
Well, I woke up about ten minutes ago
kinda half-dressed with the camera on,
so I reckon I was shootin' for y'all.
Least I hope so...
(coughs)
Now we just got through award season.
And, uhh...
Somebody tell me why some animated kid shit
suddenly get nominated for a Oscars,
how come we can't recognize a good porn performance, too?
Huh? Hey...
They...they...they...actors, too.
And they talented.
Hell, any porn whore what's had to
take a dick from Ron Jeremy...
They deserve a statuette
cause that mofo...
He fuckin' ugly as shit.
I don't care how hungin' he is!
He do have a purty dick, though.
Basically, when I was tryin' to figure out
how I was gonna leave my
mark on the world...
I figured it'd be either one of
two things that I'm good at:
Bitchin' or fuckin'.
But then someone said,
"Naw, ain't nobody gonna take you
seriously if you done showin' off your kitty."
And somehow I think I just missed my boat out on that.
I mean look at these titties, y'all...
I coulda been a mega superstars.
Y'all remind me to do my orgasm sounds
sometimes for y'all.
Wouldn't a pearl necklace look good right now?
I'm gonna make me a sex tape
and get more famous on the YouTube.
Get famous 'Kardasha-style!'
Yeah, I can whore it up with the best of them!
Watch this!
Watch...
Zero gag reflex.
That oughta be on my resume.
Try top that one, Kim.
This be Kanye.
Everybody roots for whores,
ever since Julie Robbers made it susceptable.
(singing)
Purty woman...
Walkin' down the streets.
Purty woman-
Can y'all stands how sexy I am?
(singing)
I'm sexy and I know it.
Ooh! I like to fuck to that song.
I'm gonna get Tank over here
to LMAFO in my kitty.
MEOW!
I think it's rightly a sin
to cover up the beauty of God's creation,
and that's why I kindly wea
as little fabric as possibles.
If the good Lord had intended us to be clothed,
he'd let us slip outta our mama's
hoo-haa wrapped in burlap.
You hear the same old arguments
from the Religious Right what say
how porn's all offensive and shits
and we sex afficionadoes need protections
from these what says they gonna ban porn!
That sounds like Big Government to me!
Now if God gived you a twelve inch pecke
or a vagina that shoots out bubbles,
or if you can take an arm elbow-deep
like someone cunt puppet,
then obviously folks was meant to see it
so go on and share your talent
off with the world, you freaks!
Porn serve a good purpose,
cause it can keep you man from goin'
to a hooker, or even worse...
over to Tappy's trailer.
And moreforth therefore,
you don't even know...
It could be savin' you from gettin'
the herp or the clap or the hivvy.
Porn be savin' lives, people!
Up with porn!
One of my drankin' buddies told me
they watched my HISIs naked.
That was so sweet.
My first porno was the classic "Deep Throat."
It's the story of a lovely pioneer woman
that went to the dentist
and she finds out her clitoris
been shoved up in her throat
and the only way she can only have an orgasm
is while she suckin' dick.
Now, I'm gonna go out
on a 'Shirley McClain' limb here
and say it was probably a man
that fashion up that brilliant plot twist.
Like pantyhose...
Who you think invented them?
Real women don't fuck with no pantyhoses on.
Hell, I don't fuck with pantyhose period.
I like to let my cooter breathe.
Good news is...
I learned how to smoke dick prope
with this educational video.
Sad news is...
My hero, Linda Lovelace...
She done got brainstormed by the church
and is all godly two-shoes now.
Who wanna see her
slob-knobbin' at sixty anyways?
We best remember her how she
should be remembered...
Yeah, with a mouthful of dick.
And whoever say that porn 'objectify' women,
they need to look at how much money
women porno stars are makin'
over the men actors they use.
I mean that is a gender gap right there.
A good honest payday by fa
make up for any objectifying goin' on.
(laughs)
For conclusion,
y'all seen where this ugly dude
couldn't get nobody from school
to go to proms with him
so he tweetered him a hooke
to go with him
and now the school said no?
Hey!
It took that loser real initiative and imagination
to get him a hot piece of ass
for the prom so just let us go!
And that's How I Seize It.
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